Jason Skypes Home. A Pants Elk post by Pants Elk.
Posted by Pants Elk | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on November 25th, 2009
‒Tristram! Oh, this is far out! Hahahahaha! Yah! I’m in Bangkok! How cool is that? How’s my little brother? Fuck, this is totally weird! Yah, pretty spaced out actually, got seriously baked last night, I feel like total shit, yah … hahahahaha! Yah, the hotel has like WiFi? Which is way cool. Wait a sec … want to see my room? Check this out, bro … panties on the floor! Getting a hard-on? And we follow the underwear trail … yeah, that is a used condom – gross-out city or what! Fnar fnar! Okay … see her? Check it out! This is what a real woman looks like in bed! Hahahahaha! One night in Bangkok and the Jace-meister has already pulled, big time! Respect, dude! Yah, she’s asleep … needs it after the totally biblical shagging she got last night from Jace the Ace. No, I’m not pulling the sheet down you disgusting little oik. No, I’m not putting my knob in her mouth to stop her snoring. Okay, that’s enough excitement. You’ve got enough wank material for a fortnight. Listen … fucking hell, ‘Tram, are you playing World of Warcraft? Can’t you just pause it? Typical. Listen. I’m in a bit of a spot, cash-wise. Yah, as per usual. The picture’s frozen … can you hear me? Hahahahaha! Fuck! You look like roadkill! Can you see me okay? Hear me? Okay. That’s all that matters, I mean, who wants to look at your poxy face? So I’m flashing the plastic at the hotel, lobby just crawling with hot babes, all eye-ing up Big J in his combats and Timberlands, like I’m in the World of Whorecraft! Hahahahah … whorecraft. W,h,o … forget it. Still there? Hello? So one of the hotties, that’s Nui, which is like Thai for shag me up the bum, okay, is all over me before I even drain off the G&T’s I sank on the plane. Anyway, there’s this problem with my fucking card, yah, the special needs at the bank have put a security block on it or something or I’ve blown all my vac wad already which is the likely scenario, I’m so spastic with cash, so I give them father’s Gold card, you know, the one he leaves in his desk … it sort of slipped it into my combats as I was leaving, but the old boy never uses it, so anyway … ‘Tram, I can’t see or hear a bloody thing … heyyyyy! Sweetypants! You’re awake! ‘Tram, I hope you can see this, let me introduce you to Nui, the most sexiest girl in the world, whose botty was totally reamed last night by Amazin’ Jason. Say hello to my little brother, baby! Yeah, he’s there, sweetheart, it’s just frozen or something. Say, ‒hello Tristram you sad wanker” … Tris-tram … not tit farm! Hey! Get your tits out! Go on! Check this out, little brother! WHOO-HOOOO! Silicone City or what! This is what your daddy’s Gold Amex gets you in the Land of Smiles! I’d show you the coke, but it all went up our noses! And that’s not all – ready to have your tiny teenage mind blown? Drop the towel, baby, show him what you got! DA-DAAAAAAHHHHH! HOW ABOUT THAT!? Yeah, babycakes is a lay-lay-ladyboy! Oooh … give me a little of that, sweetheart …. mmmmm …. mmph … *glorp*. Check thish out! Closhe up! One mouthful of fresh ladyboy juice!!! Hahahahaha!!! ‘Tram? You … what? … shit … oh … hello, Mummy … Daddy …”
67 Responses to “Jason Skypes Home. A Pants Elk post by Pants Elk.”
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Recent Comments
Translator
What language was this written in? Not english from what I can tell. There should be a rule against blog posts written while heavily intoxicated.
View all comments by Ronoldo
its written in Gen Y chav parlance. Geddit? Suppose a spick like you wouldnt get it.
View all comments by indo man
I had a headache by the fifth exclamation point in the first line.
View all comments by HTWoodson
how many illicit substances were consumed prior to writing this post?
View all comments by Andy from Melb
Internet nerd gets his first sex experience with a ho, calls home to tell Mummy his is ok….
View all comments by MSB
Funny. A skype drunk dial.
View all comments by Red Devil
… and ends up being heard (and seen?) swallowing the man juice of “the most sexiest girl in the world”.
Tales of a “biblical shagging”. lol
View all comments by katechon
Jason seems like a complete and utter douchebag…and that is being polite.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
zzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzz…..zzzzzz (fart)…uhu…zzzzzzz
View all comments by Munutkangkao
Tom Wolfe-esque. Props.
View all comments by bkk22
Go Pantsie !!!
“And so say us all”
View all comments by doctorbond
I was recently on Holiday in Koh Samet. One day me and my Mia Noi I ate some Stems and Caps. = Things got weird, then even weirder. – I would say Pants elk may have been experiencing something very similar. – I myself just choose to keep that stuff to me and my Brain only. = Your mileage may vary!
View all comments by Radicalron
Bravo!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I gave up after the 2nd sentence and decided to read the comments. Lord what a writing style that was!
View all comments by John
How would like to be sitting at the Mango bar and have him come and want to talk to you in his gibberish?
View all comments by THE MAN
it’s called satire, guys, come on……..
a kind of Not the Nation spoof on guys writing about their first night at the Nana hotel…….
View all comments by Saul
Worth it for the”world of whorecraft” line…pure genius!
View all comments by Paliomide
purty amusing i thot but not 4 evry1, for sure. Nice structure, character development and surprise gross out ending! :p
View all comments by arca
Unique. Funny. Gross out & cringe. Good writing should evoke some emotion – the stronger the better. Great job.
View all comments by FUMF
Can’t wait for part II.
View all comments by KnightRider
Oh, I don’t know … you try something different, and … anyway, for those struggling with this particularly difficult post:
1 It’s written “in character.” You know, like someone else’s voice? Have you ever seen a film (a film is like a DVD)? Well, what those people up on the screen are saying is *written* for them! Yes! they’re not really like that! So close your eyes and imagine someone – perhaps an actor, or Hugh Grant – speaking this piece!
2 The “character” here (that “someone”) is called Jason, and he’s speaking in a very posh upper-class voice! See if you can imagine that voice! If you’ve never heard an upper-class English voice, fill your mouth with walnuts and stick a cattle-prod up your arse, and then try to say something while punching yourself in the nose! In fact, do this anyway!
3 “Jason” is using “Skype” to “phone home”! “Skype” is like the telephone, only on a computer, with pictures that move! You can “see” the person you’re talking to!
4 The humour of this piece rests in the way “Jason” (who’s not “real”, remember! He’s just someone I “made up”!) continues talking to his little brother (who’s at home – that’s why the title of this piece, “Jason Skypes Home” is so important to remember as you read!) when the screen “freezes” (which it sometimes does when you’re “on Skype”! Computers! Cuh!), only it’s not his litle brother at all, but his mummy and daddy, who have come into his little brother’s room to have a chat with their son (that’s “Jason”!) who’s in Bangkok! And the screen “un-freezes” while he’s showing his little brother a mouthful of ladyboy sperms!! And he sees it’s his mummy and daddy and they’ve heard everything about him stealing his daddy’s credit card and using it to buy prostitutes and drugs!! Oh noes!!! So you can perhaps imagine this happening in “real life” and have a laugh at poor “Jason”!!!
Once you’ve mastered the subtle depths of this post, perhaps you can move onto something even more challenging! Like a cereal packet, or the menu in KFC. Lots of luck!
View all comments by Pants Elk
Oh… well it’s not funny now that you’ve explained it.
View all comments by human tsunami
Actually it’s quite funny but I went into it expecting you to say something like this was a conversation you overheard. I was picturing the English accent the whole time too. The surprise ladyboy ending got me.
Cheers
View all comments by Dickens Cider
The comments are as halarious as this piece.
Brilliant
View all comments by Canadian Boy
This post could use some CGI. where the fuck is michael bay when you need him.
blow a few things up and you’ll have a blockbuster on your hands.
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
Fuck that was funny!
If u don’t get it then u must be the same people all upset over oprah leaving CBS
Props pants
View all comments by WFTM
“so say we all”
*stifles prayer between dewy breasts of Bangkok concubine*
View all comments by katechon
Where do you get your supplies from ? Iwan’t some!
View all comments by Peter F
That was really funny – keep’em coming!
View all comments by Son of Bambi
Humm, some harsh comments in here.
I thought it was hilarious; i could hear the words being spoken; i thought the close relationship between the brothers was credible. There was a real ending. It was different from what i expected on the blog.
View all comments by sam
“Jason” (who’s not “real”, remember! He’s just someone I “made up”!)
Don’t believe you, it’s YP isn’t it…
View all comments by OldFatBastard
Good to see you back Pants, very funny is there going to be part 2?
View all comments by spats
I think I read this before on a bumper sticker.
View all comments by Zdan
To those of you who can read without mouthing the words, thank you for your kind comments. I doubt if there’ll be a Part Deux, because I hand-weave my blog pieces out of palm leaves. Each piece takes about four hundred man hours to construct, and although I have a local team of toothless drunkards who do the work (as part of Mr. Thaksin’s OTOP scheme), it’s still a considerable investment on my part.
To those who still don’t understand what’s going on, may I recommend Penfold’s illuminating piece on boxing? (Incidentally, some are saying that he bottled out of my fist-fight challenge because he’s a coward. Penfold may be many things – illiterate, gay, as dumb as sand, and hunchbacked – but he is above all a realist who knows when to run. Props.)
View all comments by Pants Elk
Classic “Coming of Age Story”.
View all comments by Zdan
If you challenged Penfold to a fist-fucking contest instead of a fist-fight he might accept.
Can you explain the joke one more time – I’m still a little confused. When I watch a movie (always a DVD) I like to have the director’s narration running in the background, it helps me understand what’s going on, especially when I watch porn.
View all comments by Poodle
@Pants – I explained my stance on this before.
At your age, you have the skeletal rigidity of a moth. 1 swift uppercut, or rape-choke and you’d turn into dust. A strapping young buck such as myself would be magnet in the prisons of bangkok, and thats a road i dont want to go down
Also, you are 300years older than me, your a big gay, and with the various flesh eating strains of AIDS you have contracted from centuries of doing sexual favours for motosai drivers in bangkok sex cinemas, you weigh under 10kilos, you decrepit old shower of shit.
View all comments by Young Penfold
“A strapping young buck such as myself would be magnet in the prisons of bangkok, and thats a road i dont want to go down …”
- again?
View all comments by Pants Elk
Double-dip: Poodle, your comment is funnier than my post, and even funnier than Penfold’s comedy penis. In fact, the only difference between a stand-up comedian and Penfold’s penis is Penfold’s penis doesn’t do stand-up.
View all comments by Pants Elk
This is not made up, it’s called projection.
Talking about own experiences in someoneelse’s name.
Nice read btw.
View all comments by Happy Farang
Elk… do
Continue this fucking story… please!!
View all comments by Canadian boy
The story is perfectly set up and resolved, and needs no continuation. It’s like when you’ve told a really good joke, and people say “Go on! Make the joke longer!” But since the call for a Part Two has been so hearteningly voiciferous, here’s what I suggest:
Those commenters with special needs who found the post, ooooh, headachey an’ boring an’ that, are invited to submit Part Two of the franchise (“Jason Skypes Home – Again!”) right here in the comments section! There will be a significant cash prize for the best! LOL! So get Nurse Diesel to sucker that rubber-tipped stick to your forehead and start nodding at your keyboard NOW!
New words in this comment: resolved, hearteningly, voiciferous, franchise, retards, significant
View all comments by Pants Elk
You forgot inane.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
…. and Indu Wangzi submits the first entry into the grand “Write A Follow-Up To Jason Skypes Home” competition! Well done, Indu! Yes, it’s only three words long, and no, it makes no sense, but Mr. Wangzi has “substance issues”, so we should cut him a little slack.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Loved it. A vivid Bangkok vignette. A shame that so many of the people leaving comments lack the depth to appreciate it.
View all comments by The Heckler
Since english is not my language, my first reaction was to suggest you ask your nurse to change your medication.
But I felt that I need to read it again, and I enjoyed it.
View all comments by Sergio
I agree wholeheartedly with The Heckler :
Indu WangZi’s 3-words vignette was vivid indeed : concise, powerfully enigmatic and obviously anagrammatic :
“AGONY OF ROUTINE”?
View all comments by katechon
@ The Heckler – I agree – being a bit shallow myself I found that I had to read it a second time.
The second time around it seemed somewhat familiar. The third time around I suspected plagiarism…..
View all comments by doctorbond
WTF was that
View all comments by 8 ball
8 ball’s entry into the write-a-sequel competition relies too heavily on Mr Wangzi’s three-word formula, but his internet-savvy use of the acronym, and post-modern exclusion of the interrogation mark, make him a contender.
I understand as soon as Penfold’s prolapsed rectum is stapled back in place (a trained veterinary surgeon is even now up to his elbow) he fully intends to submit his own entry (fnar).
View all comments by Pants Elk
I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!!
View all comments by human tsunami
Do we have to yell *about* something? Isn’t yelling enough?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
View all comments by Pants Elk
Should I have went with banal instead?? Laconic?
Lots of adjectives to describe this drivel…shall I continue?
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Lack the depth to appreciate it? Are you fucking serious? It’s not like it’s James Joyce for fuck sake…
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Mr Wangzi, clearly disturbed by Mr ball’s strong entry into the “post a follow-up” competition, follows through with *two* hastily-composed submissions, apparently the products of a random phrase generator he found on the internets (or, indeed, in his own head.)
I hear from Penfold that as soon as he finds his crayon (he’s not allowed anything sharp) he’ll be joining in the fun! The competition’s hotting up!
View all comments by Pants Elk
What a shocker…more pompousness from the resident expert.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Just a hint, Mr WangZi, because I’m really rooting for you: I don’t think you’ve quite yet got the hang of writing in Jason’s character! Jason is upper-class, educated, and a real twat. So far, you’ve only got the “twattishness” coming through to the reader! And although I personally appreciate what you’re doing when you use words incorrectly (just as though you didn’t know what they meant! Loved “laconic”! LOL!), is this really a “Jason” trait? It looks likely that you’ll win by sheer quantity, though, so do please press on, and LOTS OF LUCK! LOL!
View all comments by Pants Elk
In a private email, Penfold writes:
you wanna pick a fight?
listen here you big fucking queen, i met your girlfriend last night, and he told me about all the sex you have in his arse.
mince down to bangkok town, and ill fucking duff you up right good i will
cunt
ps not realy lol! i know id lose aganst you big guy! thanks for calling the ambluance for me last time. also your posts are fucking briliant you are realy funny as well as tuough lol i love you mate never forget. listning to the susan boyle cd makes me cry like a baby lol
View all comments by Pants Elk
So, wait… let me see if I understand this. The story involves some sort of computer use.
Okay.
But who, exactly, is Jason Skypes?
View all comments by Werewolf
Jason Skypes is a kind of swinging sixties secret agent, a bit like Austin Powers but with good teeth. He has an unfortunate moustache and butterfly-collar shirts which he wears with hipster pants and a medallion. His catchphrase is “get it on!”. His arch enemy is the evil Dr. Indu Wangzi, a half-Chinese, half-Mongolian super-villain who seeks to dominate the world from his basement flat in Surbiton.
Hope this clears things up, Wolfman. How are the hemmho- the haemhoro- the hemmoarhi- – the piles, by the way?
View all comments by Pants Elk
Brilliant! Something similar to what Henry Miller, American author of Tropic of Cancer and Tropic of Capricorn, might have written (albeit with a British accent) if he had lived in the internet era and had become even more jaded as a result of spending too much time in Thailand. What is the fascination with katoeys?!
Almost as funny are the comments. Especially the flames. It’s even funnier when you have to explain it to the other readers. fnar.
View all comments by kwai mai sabai
Pelks — good to see you back.
The other thing I was wondering about is why this guy Tristam would know anything about Jason Skype’s little brother.
Oh, by the way, you forgot the apostrophe in the title… it should have been Jason Skype’s Home.
I’m pleased I could help.
My bum is fine, thanks for asking. If you’ve been hanging around with Penfold yours must be sore, though.
Are you coming to Greungtep any time soon?
View all comments by Werewolf
This is cosy, Wolfie! Just the two of us nattering away at the bottom of a comments section to a long-forgotten blog piece. Thank you for pointing out the flaws in my story-telling, by the way! Sorry I forgot to run it past you this time before submitting it to the Mango Brothers. Well, I didn’t forget, I thought I’d have a bash at something on my own – out of your considerable shadow, so to speak! – but alas, I have paid dearly for my hubris*, and will know better next time!
Talking of my arse – did you Know that Penfold is in the Chiang Mai Correctional Facility for Women? It’s a typical Penfold story (and since no-one else is reading this, I feel it’s morally OK to go into detail). Apparently he was all katoey’d up as Beyoncé, the “alter ego” he adopts while on his “jaunts” out of Bangkok, and got caught up in a raid when buying ya-baa from a friend of his. All the women – and to his credit Penfold does look very much like a woman, albeit* an ugly, mis-shapen one, when he’s kitted up – were carted off to the CMCFW. He was allowed to make one phone call, which he made to me. He was in tears, mainly because they’d taken his iPod with his Susan Boyle album on it, but he also wanted to be moved in with the men. I told him it would be good for him, morally and physically, to take advantage of the “correctional” opportunities a shower session with a load of Thai sluts can offer, and refused to help. So he’s still there, as far as I know. During his absence I’ve been busy on the internet, in his name, and he’s now a member of the following groups:
- Susan Boyle Fan Club
- Morris Marina Owner’s Club
- NAMBLA
- The Rosicrucians
My visits to Greungdep are a thing of the past. My eel farm here demands all my time.
(*)= college words
View all comments by Pants Elk
Elk:
It is nice to have our own private chat space. I have so much to say and share but no forum for airing my thoughts and ideas.
I think in the space where you typed “hubris” your intended meaning was along the lines of overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance.
Clearly you have another mis-typing issue in your post; instead of “hubris” you should have typed “you Brits”.
I remain available to assist you with grammar, vocabulary and general editing. Let me help next time so you don’t embarrass yourself again.
You know what the man said… it’s better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
By the way, please bail Penfold out of prison. His mother called me yesterday and she’s worried sick.
Apparently, if he’s not home in time for Christmas they’re going to have to rush around at the last minute to find someone small enough to fit in the elf costume.
View all comments by Werewolf
By the way, thanks for inviting me out to your eel farm last month. I uploaded several VDO clips of the “farm” that I took with phone camera when I was there. Here are the URLs. It was a really interesting and informative day… thanks so much!
http://www.muchosucko.com/show/shits_and_wiggles_2-22088/search
http://www.muchosucko.com/show/more_shits_amp_wiggles_-40082/search
http://www.muchosucko.com/show/something_smells_fishy-65312/search
View all comments by Werewolf
Thank you for sharing those UNSEE!!!! UNSEE!!!! videos (nb Penfold, not “video’s”) from your personal collection. I wish you luck with your new website; I am sure it will get more clicks than your old one about Werewolves or whatever it was.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Excellent style and content. Masterly. Well observed. Bravely written. Good fun.
View all comments by The Lurcher