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What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin? Part One by Canadian Boy

Posted by Canadianboy | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on May 25th, 2009

Its 12:30 am on a Friday night in down town Bangkok. I’m in my hotel room laying on my bed staring at a fucking gecko tucked in the corner of the ceiling and to top it off, Apocalypse Now is playing on my TV. I can only imagine how many people have been stuck doing exactly what I’m doing…. Then again, out of embarrassment – I don’t want to think of it. For the past 2 hrs the gecko’s been scurrying in spurts across the tattered and ill faded walls chasing a mosquito. Its distracting but I know how he feels. He’s looking for a bite to eat… I’m looking to get laid.

Brining my attention back to Captain Benjamin L. Willard on the television, I can relate to the shit hole he’s in.

I have to hump up to the 5th floor to get to my room and the whole way up the stairs coming upon the landing on every floor its a museum of moans behind each closed door. My air con doesn’t work and it sounds like a Bell UH-1 Huey Helicopter flying over head. The television is fuzzy with a weird blip that bends and distorts the image every now and then – on the good parts. My bathroom looks like the opening scene from the movie ‒Saw”, and a girl in the room next to me is moaning in pain from getting nailed by a German tank named Krieger. The best part is every time I take a shit my ass sounds like Im puking over the toilet after a heavy night of drinking. There’s no smooth exit for the payload… its an orchestra of ass-gagging, coagulated liquid, raining down with ferocity against the porcelain. The maestro is my sphincter.

Willard’s voice over prompts me to think about my own situation…

‒…there is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.”
– Willard

That’s right… I feel like I’m going up the river with Willard. Except I’m accompanied by Willy — my dick and a bad case of diarrhea.

‒I’m here a week now … waiting for a mission … getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.”
– Willard

Most of the movie’s dialog basically sets the tone and speaks of my situation in almost the same light. For those of you living here or on vacation that have had the opportunity to visit Cambodia will attest to this movie with enthusiasm and morbid relation to Bangkok’s night life.

I’m currently staying in Nanna Plaza. The epicenter/ Mecca of pussy pounding. I don’t know if its me or Im the cheapest fucking — cheap charlie — to ever get a stamp at immigration. Then again, to some I could be just a lush.

So, my 1st week in an I’ve only been nailing the same three, hot girl’s on a regular basis. Some guys call that an appetizer on arrival for the first day. I just can’t find the right chicks day after day to put my nail in. I mean, sure there are hot girl’s all over the place and its fucking overwhelming but seriously, I’m not scoring. The ones i’ve nailed were fucking hot thou and free of charge. So i guess in some way it makes up for it. I can keep saying that to myself if it makes me sleep better at night,

There are guys out here who have all the tricks and gonzo’ fucking stories of bush whacking and getting their dicks so wet in half a night (as someone stated in a comment) ‒I get more action that this guy in one night before my flight leaves home.” They describe the escapes with passion. Kudos to them. I’m not here to lie. I’m here to have a good time and share it with you.

And they call me an assassin. What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin? They lie. They lie, and we have to be merciful, for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. I do hate them.
—- Colonel Walter E. Kurtz

I’ll admit, and I think it was from reading Werewolf’s review of Chaing Mai (correct me if Im wrong) but he mentioned something about the ‒BKK Effect” that hit a nerve like a dentist with a bad case of cerebral palsy . All in all… I think I might just be way too picky with the pickin’s.

As Werewolf states, not in his exact words but ‒you notice a perfect girl with a lovely face… then I noticed she had wide hips.” He went on to comment, flippantly, ‒She’s fat.” Don’t hang me cause I can relate to what he says. After a while it becomes a disease trying to find the perfect girl to satisfy your perversions with. It eats at you like a cancer. You begin to question yourself and what your expectations are… you begin to tell yourself, your insane. Am I the only who thinks like this…

‒It wasn’t just insanity and murder, there was enough of that to go around for everyone.”
– Willard

They say you can’t have it all. But you can, if you wait it out. For instance, last year I met a girl from one of the news stations here in BKK during SK last year. She was doing a report from Khaosan road. We shared small talk and hit it off. The next day she invited me to her TV station, gave me a tour, met some of co-workers — and they we’re all smoking hot female anchors — You may think im throwing shit in your face but on each visit here Thailand it has granted me those ‘only happens in the movie moments’ several times. It was like dying and going to heaven. I played it smart and ignored all the hotter girls cause I didn’t want to come across as some player. Besides i think it was best to show that I only had interest in her. In the long run, it worked.

Back to Anchor girl…. I didn’t get her into bed the last trip but I did keep in touch with her for the 6 months I was away. The pay off is now on the horizon.

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service.
– Willard

I like girl’s whose teeth don’t remind me broken shards of glass or a the front grill of a Cadillac. I don’t like bruises and scars or blisters on the legs or any other part of the body. I can’t take the 9 round boxer nose anymore or a face that looks like a shelled out building. I also can’t take something so tiny and small that when cupping her ass in my hands I end up feeling like a child molester.. thou’ a nice tight ass is nothing to complain about.

I can’t run and gun it out there. If I’m gonna nail something, I want to know ill sleep like a King after a good meal. Shagging a hot girl is a great feeling. Even if she was a mute lay. Some people I see storm the bars in search of a girl like soldiers storming the beaches of Normandy or with a mind set similar to when Willard was ordered ‒Terminate with extreme prejudice.” or worse, step into the mind of Kurtz…

‒We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. Village after village. Army after army.”
– Colonel Walter E. Kurtz

Instead of his words its….

‒We must fuck them. We must fuck them all. Whore after whore. Bar Girl after bar girl. Soapie after soapie. Go-go after go-go.”
– Unknown Monger

I’m sure we all know the guy who wears the number of girls he banged on his chest like a War General decorated in metals. They stand all buff with the same pride as Kilgore presented himself to the world and instead of using his words from the movie its …

‒I love the smell of pussy in the morning. You know, one time I fucked a girl for 12 hours. When it was all over I couldn’t find a piece of her. [sniffs and ponders] The smell, you know that smell of pounded pussy. The whole room reeked of pounded pussy. Some day this wars gonna be over.”
– Unknown Monger

I wish I had that mentality. Nothing against them either. Kilgore made a point, ‒you either surf or you fight.” I also don’t want to tell you ‒piles of bullshit that you’ll need wings to fly above it.” From what I gather, Thailand has been…

‒… overrun by a bunch of four star clowns who ended up giving the whole circus away.”
– Willard

I’ll surf, thank you.

To be continued in Part 2