10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 4 by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on September 9th, 2007
Editor’s note. Just when I thought On Nutter was could not “hate” Bangkok anymore – he sends in part 4. I am dying here.
THE PISS ARTISTS: Happily, they are a dying breed, but all farangs will have come across them in go-go bar toilets. A Thai male lies in wait for the unwary pisser, armed with hot towels and debatable massage skills. It happened to me in Rainbow 1 in Nana Plaza recently. As I aimed my appendage at the sanitaryware, two hands started massaging my shoulders very roughly, causing me to piss over my trousers and shoes.
There was a world map on the wall in front of me and, for the first time in my life, I noticed how massive Greenland is (836,109 square miles populated by only 56,361 people unless someone has died or been born since I checked Wikipedia. It is also the world’s largest island as Australia is also a continent and doesn’t count).
‒Christ, Greenland is massive,” I told my masseur.
‒Velly cold,” he replied. ‒Where you flom?”
I pointed at Britain.
‒Velly far. 12 hours in airplane. Solly about Plincess Diana (it was the anniversary of her death).”
That last comment alone was worth my lavish Bt20 tip.
FARANGS WHO WEAR FACE MASKS: The whole point about living in Bangkok is that you are tacitly accepting that at least 10 years will be taken off the lifespan you would have had if you had stayed in Farangland. If the pollution doesn’t get you, alcoholism, a road accident, stray bullet or sexually transmitted disease probably will. Those are the rules and it is not acceptable to try to shorten the odds. In any case, the farang I saw wearing a face mask as he ordered food in Robinson’s basement restaurant not only looked like a total dickhead but was being deeply insulting to the people who had prepared the dishes, as though he might contract bird flu from the khao pad gai. Prat.
THE 7-ELEVEN ICE DISPENSER: When I watch Thais use this device, everything goes smoothly. When I use it, half the polar ice cap goes crashing to the floor. I suspect it is programmed to discriminate against farangs.
TOURIST SURVEYS: Guess what? They aren’t tourist surveys at all. The black-clad youngsters with Amazing Thailand shirts who approach you on Sukhumvit Road are really promoting a hotel in the Asoke area. They are perfectly pleasant and some are up front and ask you to complete the form so that they can get their commission. If I have time, I fill out the form but supply false details so that I appear to the hotel’s management as their ideal target: a married brain surgeon earning more than $100,000 a year who visits Bangkok six times a year and is staying in Room 506 at the Landmark Hotel. ‒Call me any time,” I say.
KINGTEX CONDOMS: The name would suggest that they are of a farang-friendly size. While I am by no means hung like a donkey, my experience of this brand is that they would not fit round a farang’s little finger. And they break at the most inopportune moments.
THE THAI IN FRONT OF ME AT THE SKYTRAIN COUNTER: There are always two queues at every station. One progresses quickly and smoothly; the other is mine. That is because the Thai in front of me, unlike everyone else, does not want to get change for the ticket machine. No, he wants a monthly pass with a student discount enabling him to travel from On Nut to Victory Monument between the hours of 8am and 10am and 4pm and 6pm, excluding Tuesdays, Thursdays and Buddha days. He haggles over the price and never has enough money, so he disappears to the nearest ATM. Meanwhile, I have missed three trains.
THE ‘TAH CARP’ CENTIPEDE: I was taking a leak in my apartment when one of these creatures went scuttling past my bare feet. It was black and about six inches long. I tried to kill it with a shoe but it just kept wriggling. Eventually I managed to flush it down the shower drain. I later learned that these giant bugs are known as ‒motherfuckers” by Thais and have enough poison to put you in hospital for a few days.
‘MAI PED’: While I love Thai food, even the sight of a red chilli has me rushing to the toilet. The owner of my local restaurant knows that I don’t like really spicy dishes. ‒Mai ped (not spicy),” she assures me as I make my selection. One hour later, I have stomach convulsions and chronic dysentery.
THE SALES PITCH: Sex, massages, shirts, sunglasses, lighters, watches, maps, amulets, flowers, suits, bags, CDs, DVDs and a shoeshine. These were all offered to me within the space of one hour on Sukhumvit Road recently. I don’t know what happened to the guy with the laser pens.
FARANG GIRLFRIENDS: I was watching the general craziness on Soi Cowboy one night from a beer bar where I had bought one of the girls a drink. Along came a good-looking farang male of about 25 with his farang girlfriend who, to put it bluntly, was a lump of lard. He looked seriously depressed.
My hostess turned to me with a look of utter bewilderment and said: ‒Peter, why do so many farangs have ugly girlfriends?”
I felt the need to defend my admittedly pig-ugly Caucasian sisters and explained that while the girl might not have been attractive, she perhaps had an inner beauty that appealed to her boyfriend.
‒I can understand that, but why do they bring their girlfriends to Thailand?” she asked.
‒They only do it once,” I replied.
23 Responses to “10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 4 by On Nutter”
Leave a Reply
Yes I remember the Mickey Rourke Lookalike. I just knew the girl I pic...
Daywalker,That's how you'll know me at the Mango.Middle-aged bald guy ...
The first time I got to Eden, you landed at Don Maeng.
Yep - I remember walking past Eden and keep walking to the end of the ...
Trojan,You have the Mango and the Eden on your list. Just don't get t...- Soi Dog, Why on earth would you want to wear a school uniform?Lolitas...
Excellent write up, had me pissing myself.Been here 8 years and done s...
They laughed and said “No pomphem. We take care. Lelax.” Cool. Don’...
ROLLN at an AA meeting...talk about irony.- Funny stuff! I was intimidated by the Eden Club too. Don't know how I ...
Recent Comments
Translator
I have been away from the internet for a while and missed parts 1, 2 & 3 but part 4 had me laughing out loud. I’ll definitely be using the search function to find the first three installments. Good work On Nutter.
One of the tourist survey girls was cute enough and I was bored enough that one day I actually took the tour of the hotel in question, with the offer of a ‘travel club’ being the ultimate aim of the exercise. I felt bad wasting the time of the perfectly nice 58 year old Swiss guy who was just trying to make a living selling time share in Thailand, but the smile on the little uni girl’s face when I went back afterwards eased the guilt. I rarely see the same faces out there for more than a week or two, which makes me think that they don’t make much money on that gig.
View all comments by werewolf
ww – you can find all of ON stuff here:
http://www.bigmangobar.com/reader-submissions/#nutter
So I am assuming these are the same ones in the black shirts that cruise lower suk? I thought they worked for the tourism board or something?
The bathroom nuat boys and the map killed me. I know the exact spot and each time I use the opportunity to both deflect the massage while at the same time brush up on my geography.
View all comments by smitty
Smitty,
Thanks to your excellent search function I had finished reading parts 1,2 & 3 before I saw your link, but thanks anyway.
I have to say, these four contributions from ON are priceless! I can’t think of any posts I’ve seen on this blog or any other that I enjoyed more.
I once saw a list of things like this (brief and not as funny) that I forwarded to some friends, including some who had never been to Thailand. The ones who had never been here told me that it wasn’t amusing at all… indeed they simply didn’t understand it.
I wonder whether On Nutters series is amusing for people who haven’t been here?
Again, kudos to On Nutter for his excellent contribution.
@smitty: For a long time I thought the same, but ON is correct; they are employed by an Asok area hotel that is part of a ‘travel club’ concept. The youngsters in the black shirts are supposed to pre-qualify tourists, then send the qualified candidates to the hotel for a free tour and a free gift. For a mere 80,000 baht you can get a lifetime membership! I declined the membership but got a very useful (logo’d) travel bag as my free gift.
View all comments by werewolf
I was told that they get 20 baht for every paper filled out.The ones around Beach Road in Pattaya try to sell time-sharing instead of doing a survey. If you put your real identity on the paper, they will call your hotelroom, proposing to pick you up the next day with a minivan, stating that you won a free trip with the survey.It’s a scam.
View all comments by hanuman
Ah the farang female. The other week in Phuket I was watching some of the older specimens parading up & down the sois with their farang toy boys in tow. The guys all looked very unhappy & I actually thought 1 was going to break down cry.
View all comments by Wombat
God these posts are brilliant!
I’ve been living for more than a year in Bangkok, and I’ve been quite used to the non-sweating zombie-walking thais, the unofficial bus stops, the kingtex condoms (NEVER buy this brand or you’ll have cold sweat until your bar girl show you her HIV card), the “up to you” and “me go dance”, the “Mai Pet” dish which (still) burns you from within..
I’ll also add to the list the “Same same but different” t-shirts, MBK liers, Suan Lum Night Bazzar sellers, stupid restaurant staff looking everywhere EXCEPT to your direction, AND the infamous “No have” (even if what you ask is right in front/behind the seller/waiter/staff)…
Still, I love Bangkok!
View all comments by Max
I see the same wizened sexpat selling property (or timeshare, I have no idea) out of the Taipan Hotel lobby almost every time I stay there. At weekends they have cuties in black out and about doing something. I wonder if these are people you refer to?
View all comments by Combover
Combover: ถุà¸à¸•à¹‰à¸à¸‡
View all comments by werewolf
I’ll take that as a yes then, given that my Thai translator site doesn’t get your meaning.
The hotel also offer free spa promotions, the object of which I suspect is to pin you in one place for long enough for them to sell you a condo (‘Foreigners can own!’ – makes me feel excluded and welcome at the same time).
View all comments by Combover
co – it means tut dong. like this I say or when someone says something you like it is like saying – Well said.
is that right WW?
the online dictionaries dont have it. it is more slang anyway but thais use it a lot. was made famous on the thai version of a US game show and when you got the answer right the guy would say:
ถุà¸à¸•à¹‰à¸à¸‡ ครับ
View all comments by smitty
Sorry. I stupidly assumed that Combover was a long term resident and fluent in Thai. It means “exactly right”.
View all comments by werewolf
Ooh! Again I’m not sure whether to feel excluded (not a long term resident and therefore somehow less qualified to expound on messageboards such as this, which would be a shame because I enjoy it) or included (sufficiently something or other to initially appear to be a long term resident).
View all comments by Combover
c – no exclusion meant. I think WW thought you knew the saying and I was just chiming in to explain it since it is more slang than an actual definition. As a lot of everyday street Thai is.
View all comments by smitty
@Combover: Let me be very clear. I read your comments frequently on the site and enjoy them. I find you to be insightful and humorous in large measures, and because of your frequent comments on the site I had assumed that you lived in Bangkok. Occasionally there are good reasons to type in Thai script… this time it was a mistake. Sorry for any grief.
View all comments by werewolf
Aw shucks. But no grief was incurred at all. I’m a bit thicker skinned than that. Was just hamming things up a bit.
View all comments by Combover
c – we can take it back. We only pretended to care…
View all comments by smitty
Superb. These should be published.
View all comments by Doc Holliday
dh – they are. right here on Thailand’s most famous blog.
yes. quality work from on nutter!
View all comments by smitty
ON: Another great list! Enjoyable reading.
My friends and I have voiced the same opinion about the Kingtex ‘pecker chokers’. What a misnomer!
The only smaller brands I have come across have been the ‘Number One’ brand popular in Cambodia (I believe the brand name refers to the number of inches the product will stretch to), and those god-awful, tube-shaped things they’ll sell you at the PB Hotel if you happen to get caught out without your own stock.
A girl I was recently with had a laugh trying to work one over her toe. It broke!
View all comments by DJ
Combover
The reason you couldn’t find it in the translator site is neither of these “thai experts” can spell thai correctly.
ถูà¸à¸•à¹‰à¸à¸‡
View all comments by lingchai
@ลิงไช: ขà¸à¸šà¸„ุณครับ
I’ve never claimed to be a “Thai expert”
View all comments by werewolf
That wasn’t funny. Those bastards never stopped calling, plus the bellhop kept complaining to me about his vertigo.
View all comments by The Guy in Room 506 at the Landmark Hotel