I am a fan of Indonesia and learning to enjoy the differences it has to Thailand. It is not as good as Bangkok in some ways but yet better in other ways. It can’t replace Thailand but if you happen to go to Indonesia you should have more fun than YP does but maybe that ain’t saying much.

The massage scene is where most of the p4p fun happens so this last trip I toured around a little bit more. I tend to hit Fortuna for a nice rub and tug. The massage is good, the prices are good and the girls are fun. Your mileage may vary but there are people who claim to get much more than a tug.

In the same vein as Fortuna is the Delta message chain. Another decent rub and tug joint popular with the locals. I have not been yet but you can see them around town.

This last time we stopped in at a place I had heard about but had yet to explore since it is across town from where I normally stay. The Classic Hotel looks like a normal old school, badly decorated hotel but in the basement has a big spa. There is the normal “pay as you go in” type of service for spa, gym, lounge with a basic rub and tug. There are also full service girls of various nationalities. You can pay one price on the way out for the full meal deal. Starts from around 500,000 inr on up for the locals and 1 mil on up for the non locals. I saw uzbeks, russians, colombians and so on. This seems to be the norm in the big spa hotels. I think they allow the girls to stay as visiting hotel service staff but the only thing they service is me. It was kind of late and I was not seeing anything special and the pushy mamasan was killing me so I went with the normal massage service. Fun girl with some extras. I think classic in the late afternoon with more selection would be a good economical choice but the place is a little rundown.

The last place we tried, besides the tried and trusted Malioboro, was the much raved about Alexis. When it comes to style and size this has to be the biggest in Jakarta. A multi-story joint with club, lounge, karaoke, spa, and rooftop chill place with the hookers. Top floor is sick. A big lounge with all sorts of girls hanging out. Indos, thai, chinese, latam and eastern europe. Varies day by day and the pricing varies as well. The indos were not the hotties here – I would say the Chinese were but the prices are up there from like 1.5 mil on up but once again cheaper than flying to China?

You can lounge around in your robe Hugh Hefner style while buying drinks for the chickies. Then if you choose so the girl gets into a bikini and can frolic with you at the pool or sauna. Then you head to the “rooms” to discuss whether BRIC should be BRICi – before heading to the spa to chill. The model looks pretty appealing but the prices are up there. I plan on going back during less peak times to explore China a little bit more. I also here the club can get nutty late at night.

Back to trolling the net for the Indo celeb videos…

laterz!

BATS @ Shangri-La Hotel – Much like Red Square, this place had a swish decor, good music, Oliver Reid approved pours, but was a very weak crowd. Number-crunching looking types in suits, Arabs, and a lot of unappealing hookers. There was one lady-of-the-night who was passable, so we called her over for a drink. Tight body. Full head of hair. No visible signs of heroin withdrawal. A vast Improvement on the last girl. Possible score. Until she smiled. Deary me. No score. Looked like she had swallowed a fucking grenade. A truly horrendous set of gnashers. Pounded 2 Vodka Cranberrys each, gave her a whisky n coke, and the number of a decent dentist, made our excuses and left

Loweys (Again) – Fuck knows why we went back to Loweys, but we did. Hit the bar, and pounded some more Heineken and alcohol. BB spotted 3 unaccompanied slutty looking sorts at a nearby table, so we went and tried our hand. Turns out 1 of them was fit, and 2 of them were rough. BB latched onto the fittie, so I was left pounded booze with the sisters grim.

After about 10 minutes, 2 guido looking types that the girls already knew joined the action. 1 of the guys, knew 4 lines on Bahasa, and thought he was king-shit. The girls would answer in Bahasa, and the twat froze. More like king-cunt. By this time BB had already extracted the fit ones phone number, and claimed he was tired, and wanted to go to bed. Gay

The House call from Hell – In the lift up to YPJKTHQ, BB called up an ‘out-call’ agency he used, and ordered me up some entertainment. “2 sexy lesbians who do anal” were his exact words. He knows me too well.

Well, there was 2 of them. They were lesbians. And they did anal. Were they sexy? Were they bollocks. BB said he didnt wanna see them with their clothes on, yet alone off, and Id agree. He dumped a load of cash on the table for their services, and headed off to bed. I was shit faced and horny, and the girls had come all the way from wherever they came from, for a good dicking, so I didn’t want to disappoint

In her mouth, then her mates mouth, in her mates twat, then back in her mates mouth, on the sofa, the table, on the desk in the study, in the bumhole, on the kitchen counter, up her mates bumhole, then her mates mouth, in the shower, on the bed and then………… up my bumhole. As I was railing one from behind, the less hideous one, headed round the back and started eating my arse. Im no prude and am totally down with getting my arse eaten. Then, with no warning, she jammed 2 dry fingers, right up my crease. Im talking down to the knuckle, fake finger nails and all. Thought I was gonna throw up. Intense stuff

After 90 minutes, with no danger of me ever blowing my load, I sent them on their ugly way, and hobbled to bed with my backside feeling like Id been an extra in ‘Horse Love 4′

Day 3

Woke up with an arse hole like a chewed orange. I think it was a mixture of the spicy Tikka Masala, the gallon of booze, and the violent finger fucking I received at the hands of the Eden Club rejects the night before. Was given a wake up call at 7am, so I could make the 9:40am flight back to Bangkok. With the violent squirts and stomach pains, there was no way I was making the journey to the airport, without wearing a fucking nappy. Checked online, and the next flight was 4pmish with Air Asia. Bollocks.

By around midday, after multiple hours spent blowing blood out of my sphincter, I felt kinda human again. Met BB, gave him a kiss goodbye (he tried for tongues, but I pulled away) and head out to the airport. Hit the AirAsia desk, and was told a 1 way to BKK would be 8000 fucking baht. After my morning in the lavatory, my bowels didn’t need any more encouragement. Paid the thieving cunts their 8k, and cursed my luck for not packing any Pampers/Mamy Poko.

As I had no TV or literature to hand, I spent the 4 hour flight, imagining what Id do if I had 30 minutes alone in a room with ‘Miranda’ the slutty hostess who served me my inedible 150baht in flight meal. Think a bottle of vodka, lots of leather and 2 ciallis tabs. Fuck it, throw a well hung lady boy into the mix for giggles. Magic

The flight was almost empty, so I was through Immigration, and in a yellow n green limousine pointing towards YPHQ in no time. The mixture of the 3-way filth that ensued but didn’t culminate in a pop-shot the previous evening, and staring at ‘Miranda’ and imaging her in the middle of a YP/Ladyboy sandwich for 4 hours, had given me a really angry boner., and left me planning where I would stick my wet later

Got home to find that the electricity in my building was fucked. No lights. No air-con. Fuck. Thankfully I called up some sly and slutty girl I know from who lives in the heart of Ladprao, who offered to put a roof over my head for the night, in exchange for a bout of barebacking and pillow talk. I know a deal when I see one. Taxi for YP. Score

I am also gutted that tonight is the big party and I am not there. Fuck me.

I had been to Bangkok once before the malls burnt down and then was not able to come until after all the smoke had cleared – company policy. Yes folks – Thailand really effed themselves this time since many of us with real jobs were barred from any travel – personal or not to Thailand.

So I missed out on all the action but hey – such is life. I will say though that the “air” of service is back. You may not notice it if you live here but seems to me things have gotten better on that front. Immigration people were almost pleasant, airport taxis practically wanted to blow me and the girls are not negotiating that much for action. All good in the hood. Not sure how long it will last but might as well lap it up.

Day 1

I had a very short trip and needed to hit it hard. My plane landed early in the morning and I started SMS’ng during touchdown. It was 7am and I was not looking for street meat and the idea of going to the late, late after hours places sober was not enticing. I was offering 3k for short time and the meeting point was the PB hotel. SMS said room number – I called ahead to book and verify the room number – 3k – short time. I had the condoms. Took some wrangling but I had a taker and she was waiting in the lobby when I showed up. Round 1 in.

Checked out and showed up in my normal digs to face the day. Stopped by Sunrise for some tacos and then got some work in. Afternoon was going to be heading out to Nataree.

What can one say that has not already been said about Nataree massage but when you have not been there in a long while – then everything about the place just kills you. All the girls sitting around, the loud mouth papasan and the gawdy outfits on the girls behind the glass. I was getting worked up by one of the girls sitting close to our booth – I could smell her and my mind was going nuts every time she uncrossed and recrossed her legs but I wanted a Soapie. It had been a long time.

I picked the girl in the pink and we all piled in the lift. Braces, 22 and still in school – perfect. Did the slip and slide and I about lost it but saved it for the tub. Then a little too much foreplay and I told her I needed some cold water. I wanted to save it all for the bed. No BBBJ but damn she knew how to make you feel like it was. Then I turned the TV to the fishbowl channel so I could perv on the rest of the girls and rode things home to the finish. Nataree still one of the best deals in town. Round 2 over.

Then headed over to the Mango to greet the peeps, have my first drink and catch up on all the latest gossip. It was awesome to see so many familiar faces. It was a warm up to the party tonight that I won’t make. Fuck.

Later we went cruising the plaza. Let me recall where we went -

Pretty Lady – the place is not amazing but something about the mirrors, the playful girls and the no undies always makes for a good time. There are some new chicks there as well – not a bad place for a few.

Mandarin – Kicking as usual. So many girls, lots of tit and some good tunes. Still one of the better places in the plaza. Saw more than a few I wanted but I was waiting for something special.

Spankys – The shows are not amazing but there are some cuties and the atmosphere is one of the livelier ones in the plaza. The girl on the door with the Korean BF is so hot. Kills me.

I think we walked around a bit – got fondled by the trannies – always YP’s fav part of the night – but then ended up in R3. R3 used to be one of my fav gogo’s but has taken a hit over the last year or so. For some reason they are back to having some cute, young, topless girls. I pulled and used the short time room and it was awesome. I would give the number here but the heckler would get upset. Round 3 over and out.

That was it. Packed it in.

Day 2

By late morning I was on the road to make sure my motorcycle did not get lonely. I was heading out of town on Suk and out of the blue, never seen a boy in brown move that fast, I was practically running over a cop. He leapt across 3 lanes of traffic to stop me in the right most lane. Seriously – I almost killed him. Then he cleared a path for me to slide over to the side. I got off the bike and asked what the problem was. He said my bike was illegal. I said no it is not and here is all the paperwork. Then he said I did not have a license. I don’t have a Thai one but I play tourist so I use my legal international one. Next? Then he said I was not suppose to be in the right most lane on a bike? I said really – how about I needed to uturn – which is legal. He was running out of stupid things to ding me on. Figuring he practically had a heart attack in stopping me, I knew he was not going to let me off. So he just started writing a ticket with no explanation and grabbed my passport. I made the mistake of showing him it – cause usually I just show them my old california ID.

He said I could pay 2k at the station to get it back on monday. I was like look I needed to leave monday morning so I asked him how much for now. He said 1k. I said I only had 500. He said okay. Of course he didn’t think twice when I gave him 1k and asked for change. Realizing now that they only thing they do is take your ID and expect you to come to the station to pay for it – I will get some fake IDs made that I hand them and then drive off.

I finally got on the highway and flew down to bang saen. I hit the Galaxy soapie on the way in. Last time I was there I got a little uni student that loved giving BBBJ and banged me senseless for like 1800 baht- plus a tip. This time I picked something that looked good but was boring in the sack. Oh well. Win some u lose some. Round 4.

I cruised around, ate by the sea and headed back to bkk. Then went to eat dinner on cowboy and watched the zoo knowing I was on my last night. Then I headed over to lolitas for one last round since – well. Nothing in the world compares to lolitas. Then headed home to yes – work. Fuck.

Day 2 over and day 3 was work, packing and heading to the airport.

What can I say other than when it comes to p4p scene there is nothing like Thailand – nothing. Sure, other places may offer better experience day to day or something special here and there but when it comes to ease of use, price and service – Bangkok rocks. No question about it.

When your this hungover, and in this much pain, the only sensible solution, is to keep on drinking. Keep drinking until the pain subsides, or your liver bursts into flames.

Skulked down to Loewys, looking and smelling like I had just come back from last night. Funny that. I looked so bad (even by my standards) I was putting the decent folk off their breakfasts. Fuck them.

Made light work of 2 pints on Heineken, before I could consider solids. BB joined me and looking as shit as I felt.

I ordered Beef Goulash, which looked like baby diorreah, and Barry ordered an omelette look like someone had already eaten it for him. He said it tasted the same aswell. Minus points for the food

After an uninspiring breakfast, BB exclaimed “Its time to get a squirt in – I know a place”

I cant be arsed to go into the saga we went through, dealing with fuck-faced motosai guys and taxi drivers, who didnt know Jakarta from a guy called Jack Carter, but we got there eventually……….

Marlboro Massage & Spa. We checked in at the front, and collected one of those curly cord things you put on your wrist, with a locker key and number on them that you used to get at the swimming baths as a kid.Jumped in the lift upstairs and your presented with 2 rooms. 1 with all Indonesian girls, and the other with all the international talent.

The Indonesian room was grim, with a capital grim. Lung cancer central. You literally have to squint to see through the thick smoke, as these sisters are puffing away like theirs no tomorrow. I thought the smoke had impaired my vision, as all I could see, were short, dumpy hags that I wouldn’t bang for free. On closer inspection, it was no illusion. No score for them.

Minced into the International bit, which was much more my speed. Quick run down of the United Nations in attendance…..

Russian – Some absolute stunners in the house. I mean seriously hot. Not like the Rajah Hotel skanks. There was one whore in particular (I named her Svetlana) who pressed all my buttons. 6 foot. Blonde. Tits like rugby balls. Killer face. Arse like a boyscout. Its s shame that her, and all of her Soviet comrades, looked like they had just been orphaned. Unbelievably miserable cunts.

As po-faced as she was, I was seriously tempted to have a swing at her based on her slutty hotness, although I just knew it’d be a drab affair. Im talking a hurried nosh , no kissing and some mechanical moaning and groaning. There was zero chance of me or Svetlana getting our arseholes eaten, so I let her slide. Lucky her or lucky me? I cant decide.

Vietnamese. Maybe its something in the water out there, but fucking hell these girls have big tits. They all looked pretty keen for a shot at the champ, but then again, cant say I blame them. 1 of the things that put me off, was that they were all eating at the time. Shrimp curry breath is such a boner killer. I know what Asian girls are like about people getting between them and their food, so having a camp ‘buleh’ (Indo for foreigner) , pulling them away from their kung-pao chicken, to rim them and drip my forehead sweat in their eyes for 90 minutes, was prob not a good idea

Chinese – BB actually picked a super hot Chinese chick, with with D cups that laughed in the face of gravity. The rest of the harlots, were a very plain bunch, who from what Ive heard, are all about business. No score

Spanish/South American – The lovely Vanessa from Barcelona was my victim. 5,9″, huge busters and a killer smile. Once we got upstairs, I realised she didnt speak a lick of English. Lucky for her, Im fluent in the international language of love. Also known as whore screwing.

We skipped the shower, and got straight down business. After 20 minutes of getting my balls and arse eaten like she hadn’t had a square meal in months, I proceeded to chuck a lump up her. Twice in fact. Score. Score. Vanessa was keen for a third, but at 25 years old, I cant keep the pace I once did. Bad times. She did, teach me some Spanish. Essential day-to-day stuff. Tits, minge, dick, asshole and such. Like I said, essential stuff

I tipped Vanessa 100,000 IDR, which could be 20baht or 2,000 baht. No idea. She seemed happy. Maybe shes a convincing liar? Headed down to meet BB, and headed out in search of booze and sustinance

Eastern Promise in Kemang – This is where things started to get messy. Eastern Promise is an old skool English style ‘pub’, which serves some pretty swag Indian food. Ordered up a feast of Tikka and other garlic infused treats, and started pounding the Bintang. And the Tequilas. Then more Bintang. Then a few more tequilas. BB proved what a fucking lightweight he is, by running outside to blow chunks everywhere. By that, I mean being sick. Not blowing some fat guy called chunks

There was some Australian guy in there, who was being a real dick. I would of chinned him, if he wasnt twice my size. To his credit, he picked up our tab for all the food and booze (as he admitted he was being a cock) which BB said was around 5000 baht. The guy was still a cunt. If I was 6 inches taller **shakes fist camply**………..

Blok M – Very traumatic. This place could only be politely described as a fucking shithole. Like Soi Cowboy in Bagdhad. Wipe your feet on the way out kinda thing. Went into some place called Dee’s Bar/Dee’s Place, which is a favourite of BB’s, as it has a place out the back where you can get sucked off for a pittance. Of all of the grim looking skanks on offer, there was once older looking piece, who didnt make my stomach churn. We called her over and bought her a San Miguel. For some reason, the room where you get serviced was shut, so BB kindly lined her pocket with 400,000 IDR (which is about 13 baht I think) for her to accommodate my johnson in the lavatory. In the dim lighting of the bar, she didn’t look too horrific, although under the spotlight of the bathroom, she didn’t fare too well. Teeth that looked like someone had wiped their arse on them, and bad potmarked skin. What was worse, is that when she got on her knees to gobble me off, I could see her fucking scalp. Was like getting a shiner from Homer Simpson.

By this time, I was drunk and had the raging horn, so I flipped her over and lifted her cheap denim skirt up. How the fuck does a girl get cigarette burns all over her arse? Im ashamed to say I was wearing last nights jeans, so broke upon my Red Square condom, put it on, and set about slipping her a length. After about a minute of watching her visibly shaking (from smack withdrawals most likely) and having to stare at her thinning wig, I pretended to cum, raced out to meet BB, paid up and left. Im sure she was a raging smackhead. Whats sad……. is that she wasnt as bad as the next 2 girls………………

To be continued…………..

Saturday morning, I rolled out of bed, nursing the motherfucker of all hangovers, packed my skin tight tshirts, various skin lotions and my passport, skipped out of my front door (which has ladyboy high heel shoes dents in it) and into a yellow and green limousine to the airport.

On arrival I was reminded how fucking much I hate airports. The place is just full of cunts. Tourist cunts, miserable cunt families, ugly barwhore cunts waving goodbye to their cunty sexpat boyfriend, the unhelpful immigration cunts, the cunts that try to scalp you for taxis and so on. I was one of the cunts who thinks everyone else is a cunt

Nearly starved to death waiting in line for immigration. Over an hour I had to wait. Got my passport stamped, and headed to Burger King, where I was mugged for 500 baht. What a fucking swizz. How do they sleep at night? Im guessing on a bed of 500 baht notes. Thats the last time I supersize my order, and order large onion rings on the side.

The flight was pretty uneventful. Watched Be Kind Rewind and got drunk on 7 cans of Bintang. I did watch the Invention of Lying, and had a bit of a cry to the bit where Ricky Gervais’s mom dies. Rewound it and watched his mom die a bit more, cried a bit more, then tried/failed to get some sleep.

As I only had a man-bag as carry on luggage, and that the plane was only 20% full, I had paid for my 25 USD visa, and was through immigration in 15 minutes max. I changed up 5,000 baht at the airport, and jumped into a cab, with a 3 inch wad of monopoly money.

Turned up at The Oakwood Premier Cozmo, to find out Bourgeoisie Barry had booked me a suite there. Cashback. I would of been content kipping on his apartment floor, amidst cum-splattered socks and ghonerria smeared boxers, but the suite was swank. Showered up, danced in the mirror for a bit, moussed and crimped my party mullet then headed down to Loweys Bar to meet my guide.

Loweys – This is a pretty cool dinner/cafe/bar/bistro on the ground floor with a 50s type of theme. There were plenty of girls there, but what turned out to be a common them throughout the trip, they were all ropey looking hags. Had 2 of the best tasting pints of beer Ive had in a long time, swapped bare-backing and anal stories, and headed out for dinner

Social House @ Harvey Nicholls, Grand Indonesia – We arrived and had to wait for a table, so that sat us by this open-air cutout bit with a cool view of a big roundabout. Roundabouts are pretty dull, but this one looked good at night. Loads of lights and stuff. While we waited, I had 2 beers, and 2 of these lush vodka/mango cocktail contraption things, that are served with a huge slice of mango in it. You look like a bit of a shirt-lifter drinking it, but seriously, the best tasting drink I’ve ever had – even sweeter than uni girl flange. Trust me I know, I’ve eaten them all.

Got seated, and ordered some Wagu beef burgers. Much better than the Burger King I had in the morning. Dread to know how much the thing cost, but it was lush. Had more Booze and those Mango cocktail thingies for dessert. One good thing about Indonesia, which is also a bad thing, is that the level of spoken English is really high. How is this bad? I was regailing Bourgeoisie Barry with a tale about a post-op ladyboy whos dinner I pushed up a week prior, when it became apparent that the well-off Indo couple next to us, understood every word. Understandably, they looked like they could smell shit. When in Indonesia, speak quietly.

Indochine – Pretty cool place, but hit here at the wrong time. The decor reminds of that new gogo bar on the bridge thingy in Patpong. Shame the place was deserted. Seeing as there was fuck all in the way of crumpet on offer, I tried my hand with one of the PR girls. She would of been well worth pursuing, had she not had stomach cancer breath. Think hot garbage, sick, gut rot, gangreen and shit. It was bad. Necked our really gay, sugar laden kiwi cocktails, and headed into the night, in search of girls who know how to use toothbrushes and mouthwash

Red Square – The only memorable thing about this place, was that you get a condom on the way in. Oh, and that it was chock full of shit looking girls. Its a shame that there was no-one in there that I would ever dream of using my free contraceptive with. Good layout, if a little small, and great music, but was just too over-run with munters. 2 double vodka red-bulls each, and got the fuck out of dodge

Dragonfly – This was much more like it. Plenty of Girls that I would actually consider having sex with. Layout was pretty swank, and the music was really good. Bourgeoisie Barry got us on the guest list, and we were reserved a really good table, which was surrounded with Chinese-Indo beaver.

About 30 minutes in, an 18 year old Japanese girl I procured online for my main man showed up. Shit and fall back in it this girl was hot. Im talking cover-girl hot. Huge tits and a bum like a schoolboy too. Id be telling a bit of lie, if I said I hadn’t pulled one off to her Facebook pics before. She must of been drunk, as she found me unresistably charming.

The Bourgeoisie one, was busy wooing some other tart, so I wormed my way on in, and was given permission from above to have a crack at mateygirl. After a few vodka cranberries, I set about tearing the dancefloor apart with LittleMiss Tokyo. The Robot, The Running Man, The Ski Dance, and all your favourites made an appearance. Knicker wetting stuff that.

Fuck knows how, but we got through 4 bottles of Absolut Vodka, and a shit tonne of mixers. I’ve no idea who the 10 or so people who joined us where, nor do I care. I remember sticking my tongue in some gay guys mouth, and groping some girl with big hooters. All a game, but probably a good time to make an exit.

Stadium – Wish I could tell you more about this place, but by the time 3am rolled around, I was cunted.

The 1 huge selling point about this place, is that you can get disco-dust delivered to your table. I didn’t partake in any of that narcotic nonsense. No. I lasted till 9am, on willpower and athletic prowess alone, and the foul cold and 5 kilo boogers I had in the morning, was due to bad air-con in the taxi home. Im sure it was the taxi.

Around 730am, I asked if LittleMiss Tokyo wanted to head back to YP-JKT-HQ, as she told me she didn’t like the place, as it was ‘full of drugs and hookers’. Bless. She said it like thats a bad thing?

To my suprise, she said yes. I wont bore you with the details, but we did the wild thing. Well, we tried, but I had an unforgivable case of disco-dick, and resorted to thumbing it in for 10 minutes. A less than stellar performance. England 1 – Japan 0

I bid my farewells and headed to more familiar territory.

First stop was lush – another friend, big booze distributor, was having a party with a DJ flown in from the Germany. VIP tables, bottles of booze and lots of hangers on. Stayed there for a while meeting some new friends and ogling a group of uni girls, spending pops hard earned Dong, out for a Saturday night. There really are some hotties in these places but for some reason I always crash and burn. Me and the Viet girls just don’t seem to gel. However lush is a cool place and a great vibe. Lots of talent. Another SMS and found out that another crew was over at Apocalypse tearing it up. Ended the night there since I was planning on getting up early. After previously checking the models, the p4p crowd looked pretty un-appealing.

Hotel han solo style.

In the morning I headed over to just men spa for a shave, manicure, pedicure and a facial – awesome place. Great service, decent prices and just can’t be missed. No hanky-panky here. This is a real spa but for all you trolls needing some metro sexual grooming action, there are a lot of u, this is the place to go. Spend the morning there, lay down the plastic, and come out looking and feeling better.

After that over to Saigon Hotel for a rub, tug and sauna. Prices may vary – still not the best deal for basic p4p but I was being lazy. As stated before, p4p in Vietnam, when compared against Thailand is truly a letdown. So why bother?

Sing to wash some clothes and repack. Over to KL.

KL is one of those hit or miss places where a normal night of clubbing can lead to bliss, hotel spas for some decent p4p or hit the freelancer joints to see what nationality you can pick up. For sure what KL lacks in the punch it makes up for with variety.

I was in the hotel working and being a lazy sod trying to examine the game plan. I needed to be up early, was not in the mood for partying, did not feel like getting in a taxi and remembered pmmp’s core principals of good living. Order in and stay home. Hmmmm. Went surfing and found this: This link is not safe from work. Surf to the core site and be sure to download the price list/menu.

I figured I had to try it. I called. We discussed Android versus iPhone. Local versus non-local. I ordered non-local Chinese. There was some confusion on which hotel I was at and I had to go to the lobby to collect but all in all it was as easy as ordering a pizza. Package arrived. She was hot, spoke no English and was all business. I can’t say it was worth it but the experience was interesting. Skills were so-so, but the girl was so hot – however the lack of communication took its toll. Not sure I would do it again unless I was assured to get someone who might speak a little more English and had a better attitude.

Some of the menu choices do look enticing though.

Package safely returned I went to bed.

After a day of work I hooked up with some locals for some r & r. Thing I like about the Asian locals is most of them have a pretty good lifestyle. They might have their wives and girlfriends, jobs and schedules – but they usually know where to take you for some local delights. I had been hearing about Batin – which is the Malaysian versus of the nut sack rub. I am a big fan so I was excited to know that there was a spot close to where we were working.

Lavender Aroma Therapy. Look for the pink signs:

47-2, Jalan Puteri 2/1, Bandur Puteri Puchong, 47100 Selangor

03-8060 3782

There are lots of branches so do call or ask people where to get Batin. Surprisingly even some of the co-ed spas have some Batin practitioners on hand. Prices vary but basically you are paying for normal massage and then so many minutes of Batin. I took the hour and then Batin for 30. No vowels – but thanks. It was slightly different than what I had experienced in Thailand. The technique is mostly the same when it comes to the nut sack kneading, but the finish is much slower. They tend to try and milk it rather than create re-enactments of old faithful. All in all awesome service and for sure I would go again.

Batin is your friend.

There is for sure much more to KL but when in Rome…

In the Plaza Indonesia, large mall, there is Immigrant. Seems to be the happening place for the early part of your clubbing evening. Huge place, back room, decent music and lots of lookers. Just like in Bangkok – the big time money is also rolling around in these clubs but that makes the girls even more interesting. Outside the club in a Saturday night was a fairly new Ferrari, owned by a girl, all done up “Hello Kitty” style. Nuts. Immigrant is worth a peek.

After Immigrant people tend to flock to Dragonfly – a huge one floor club with some killer tunes and lots of bars. Music is house/techno and the crowd is mixed. High-rollers, freelancers and normal folk look for a stopover before the real late action. All sorts of money in here to – the older Indonesia guys love to flash the cash and party with young girls. This place was full of talent.

After Dragonfly people who are going late either go to Stadium or Kampus. Both of these places are essentially the clubs inside of larger hotel/spas complexes. This is the only way they can be open so late – they are basically hotels. Kampus appears to attract the more upscale of the late night revelers and stadium is a bit more edgy or maybe dodgy. I have yet to check them out but these 2 places are the late spots. Meaning they go all night and people come out at dawn to grab some street food before limping home.

Apart from the clubs there is the 2 busy hotel bars – one in the Mulia and one in the Sheraton. Mostly freelancers but I have met some uni girls as well looking for some Prada money. Props.

The other scene is the massage parlors. Almost resembling the large soapie complexes in Bangkok but not quite so flashy. They are usually in non-descript buildings or hotel like complexes. Usually run like hotels so the can offer rooms and “service”.

The main one in the center of town is called Fortune Spa. It is mostly a lounge, spa and karaoke place. You pay a fee to enter the place which allows you to use the gym, spa and facilities but pay extra for a massage. Massage includes a HJ that you tip for but people say you can get more. I have not been offered more but I was told by a local that you ask the mamasan up front for sull-service and you get the right girls for that. There are some real cuties here but not sure the breakdown of full versus part service. The massage is also great and the facilities are nice. A lot of locals I know go to these places to work out, get a massage/service and then hit the spa. Great value all in all.

Another spot worth noting is Sumo – but I have not been.

Locals also mention a place called Terminal Classic but I cannot find it online. They discount for each added girl you take.

Lots of folks go to Malioboro since it is in central Jakarta and gets good reviews. I figured I would try this place.

It is in a hotel like building and you get a wrist band on the way in – just like at Fortune Spa. You can use the gym, spa or hot tub. The hot tub is huge and has a stripper pole. At 6 and 8 every night they have girls come out and strip naked and dance – they also offer nude lapdances while you are in the hot tub. Weird but interesting. I was not there during these times but this has been confirmed by a few different sources.

The 2nd floor is the lounge area where the girls mingle. There is a mix of locals at different prices by the hour and a mix of different foreigners available by the hour. Prices range from about 30usd to 70usd. There are some hotties here. I went local and had to return one due to the lack of vibe but the next local I got was great. Still not as good as say a trip to Nataree but not bad at all. I have heard some great stories about the Brazilians and the Easter Euros. I have not tried them yet.

All in all Jakarta has quite the scene and a decent value for the money.

Enjoy!

So you got your hotel bars – freelancer joints, escort services and massage parlors. I have checked the Fortuna Sauna before and had a great time. I have also heard that both Sumo and Maliaboro are awesome too. Marliboro and Stadium share the same group of owners. Maliaboro is also known for having a range of Indonesians as well as foreigners from Eastern Europe, South America and Russia. I know a guy who lost 3 days there working his way through Estonia to Prague. I am saving this place for bonus time.

Surfing the net, as we do, I was trying to find the more normal massage joints with extras just to see what is out there. There are a couple sites to use and I stumbled on this link – I was interested since it mentions a service akin to a Thai soapy. Rating seems okay and I was thinking it can’t be too bad. Wrote the address down and jumped in a BlueBird – I only use SilverBirds when the man is paying. Nice thing about Jakarta is generally all one has to do is write the address down and show it to the taxi driver. Bahasa is English characters and the street numbers and names are well organized for the most part.

I was sensing I was in the Stadium area and most people would describe this section of Jakarta as somewhat dodgy. Not dangerous but suspect. We turned down a small lane and next thing I know I was looking at the Berlian neon sign. I could sense right away this place was 2nd rate – maybe worse. It reminded me of pulling up outside the old StarDust in Bangkok. A papasan jumped over to get my door and welcome me. A mamasan scrambled inside to roust the ladies and a cleaner scurried to grab the broom – pretending to work. Reminded me of when cockroaches scurry as you turn the lights on. I was thinking I should just pay the cabbie and start walking but I figured I needed to follow through.

Once inside I checked the well lineup – meaning the girls went from laying down to somewhat sitting up and rubbing their eyes. Everyone looked as old as “the man” and I was quickly deciding if maybe the mamasan offered the best option for service but then I noticed one girl who looked to be under 30. Point – done. Papasan said it was a good choice. I am sure he would say they all are great. He said the room was 300,000 INR and I needed to tip the girl. Okay. Cheap enough to not get to miffed about the discovery mission. Up one stairwell to another and then a dark hallway to some clean but small, old rooms. Looked like the small one room Thai joints with the open shower, no toilet and a bed. Aircon on full blast like the room was being used to store block ice. Bed with clean sheets and 2 towels. Bucket on the floor.

Girl spoke no English. She made a motion that I figured meant body to body. Yeah – b course baby. My instinct was to try my Thai but that was just because I don’t speak Bahasa and I had Nataree on my brain. This was no Nataree. She stripped of the sheets, my clothes and hers. Baby belly, saggy Nat Geo tits and a furry muff. Nice. Jackpot. I should buy a lotto ticket. The stripping revealed a latex encased mattress – for the slip-n-slide.

We showered with cold water and then she mixed up a bucket trying to half ass imitate the Thai soapy slippery suds. I assumed the position and she went to work on me. Apart from it being on the bed and not on the floor – the routine was not half bad. I was embarrassed to be getting a chubby. This went on for a bit and then she took me back for another cold shower – coupled with the ice blaster I was back to shrinky dick. The street sounds could not be heard over my chattering teeth. Back to the bed, sheets back on and she got to work. No massage here folks.

Nice blowie and well yes – I banged her senseless when she showed me how she could practically tuck her legs behind her head. Not a great body by any chance but limber as hell. 45 mins later I think she got leg cramps and motioned me to lay down so she could get on top. I knew this was never going to work for me since the sight of the belly and the Nat Geo tits flopping around would kill the mood. Not that I was in one anyway. I summoned the lotion bottle and her tits to finish me off and then I gave her a pearl necklace trying as hard as I could to get some in her hair but she deftly dodged it. Damn.

Another cold shower. 150,000 tip and I was doing my best to escape. All the time fearing I might see a cop at the bottom explaining to me that although the girl had given birth and looked to be over 25, she was actually 15. No dice though – just the mamasan asleep on the counter and the papasan wanting to give me his phone number so we could be best mates.

-1 star

ps. the picture of the girl and the room on the site is not from Berlian.

Not much has changed in Nana and the place could use a good scrubbing but the fortress has a few gems still kicking. The new semi-nude policy at the Rainbows is encouraging but it seems to be that only the ugly girls are getting naked. Spankys is slowly building a following up, Mandarin has a great lineup and g-spot actually has a new crop of cuties.

Over on Cowboy – apart from the regulars bars a lot has changed. Apache is now a beer bar – kind of strange to see a go-go bar convert to a non go-go. The bar group with all the lights is going vegas style with Our Place being turned into Club Rio. Not sure if the name change has helped since I did not bother to go in. Tony’s and Toy bar is now called Sahara – I also did not manage to make it into the new remodel to check it out. The reality was my old stand bys like Shark, Sheba and Baccara where all I could manage before caving.

Things seemed a tad quiet and the impending red-shirt mob was started to take its toll on Bkk with the streets looking much emptier than usual but this made getting around town and running errands the easiest it had ever been. Enough of the partying and debauchery – I had 1 day and 1 night to get a nice ride in. I geared up the beast and headed to Rayong – close to the water but not too far away thus making it a nice overnighter option.

I stayed outside of town in a small Thai owned bungalow that I discovered just as it was getting too dark to want to ride anymore. I parked the bike, dumped my gear and sat outside the kitchen to have some dinner, a bottle of hong thip and a friendly conversation with the owner. The one thing I miss about Thailand is the laid back, friendly nature of most of the locals outside of the Bkk sphere. The owner was on his 4th big bottle of Leo and lamenting the political hell of Thailand and how much it has ruined business over the last few years. It was tough for me to do anything but agree and offer him some of my prized hong thip.

I noticed he was working on his laptop and I asked if I could use it to check some things online. He slid it over and said have at it. After I logged out of my email he asked me if I could look at a web problem he was having. I was buzzed but figured what the hell. Turns out he used Google Sites for his hotel’s website and was having problems with it. I looked at the error message he was getting and even though Google has done well with the Thai language – the majority of the interface for Sites and the system messages were in English. All along the program had been telling him to upgrade his Internet Exploder browser and not allowing him to edit his site. I god rid of exploder, installed FireFox and fixed his site. He bought my booze.

In the morning I hit the road early after a cilly ocean swim and wound around the backroads while trying to keep the GPS pointed somewhat in the general direction of Bangkok. I was expecting to encounter red-shit traffic induced hell as I got closer to Bangkok but figured I had a few hours to go. Generally between the GPS and my nominal ability to read Thai street signs I manage to get where I am going and stay off the tollways. For those who don’t ride motorcycles, for some stupid reason, bikes are not allowed on tollways – even big ones. It is actually illegal and the cops will fine you if they catch you on one.

To my horrific surprise, must have been daydreaming about nataree, I happened to come around a big bend to find myself looking at a toll booth. It seems I took a wrong turn and the frontage road I was on lead to a tollway and I was not paying attention. I looked to turn around and basically go the wrong way just to get out of the mess I was in but over the loudspeaker I was being told in Thai to approach the toll booth. I considered just turning around anyway and driving away but you never know if doing something like that will make it worse or better. I sucked it up and rode up to the booth.

The attendant came out out of the booth and was joined by some supervisor looking dude. They both game me this what an idiot look and explained that I was not suppose to be here. I know I said – I am stupid. They told me they are happy to let me go but there was no way to get off the expressway for about 1 or 2 km and that the roadblock ahead, due to the red shirt shit, meant the place was crawling with police. Fuck. As we were talking I noticed a uniformed police guy coming my way and motioning for me to follow him. I rode up to him and got of the bike to wai him and look stupid. He said to come with him.

I was escorted into a trailer while another cop started looking over the bike. He was taking notes. My bike has no plates so not sure what he could be writing down. In the trailer the main cop proceeded to tell me what I was in trouble and was not allowed on the tollway. The other cop then came in with a notebook where he had scribbled in English the color of my bike, the place I bought it from and that it did not have paperwork. I had the paperwork on me but I don’t have a Thai license and my plates are not made yet. I figured I would just wait to see what they wanted. The older cop grabbed the notebook and asked me to write my name down and where I was from. I wrote down England and used my friend’s name. Then he said they would have to charge me – for a map so that I would not do this again knowing I would not get lost in the future due to the map. Of course no one seemed to notice the big ass GPS mounted to the handlebars but I declined to mention it. I forked over my 200 baht, another wai and looked visibly shaken. Inside I was busting up knowing that I just paid 200 baht for a major infraction on my bike without plates that I was driving without a license. I love Thailand!

I left the debacle behind me and headed back to Bkk. I was about 45 mins out of town on the Chon Buri expressway when I noticed the line of pickup trucks full of red shirts filling the slow lane. This section of the expressway is rather strange. The far left lane is technically the slow lane and the far right lane is the fast lane but every few km’s or so cars in the fast lane slow down to make a u-turn since that is the only way to get to locations on the other side of the expressway. This makes the middle lane about the only safe option. There are also a lot of large humps in the road that create blind spots every so often. Being rattled slightly by the cops I should have taken a chill for a bit but I wanted to get back to bkk.

I fly over one of the humps and suddenly realize at the bottom of the small grade the traffic is at a dead stop in all three lanes. Worse – some of the lanes are full of red shirts walking around and using their hand clappers. Fuck. My bike has ABS and I was stomping on the back brake and pulling in the front as hard as I could. I could already feel the bike jerk across the pavement as the ABS kicked in to keep the wheels from locking up and sliding. I have no idea how fast I was going. I have ridden motorcycles since I was 8 and it is a foregone conclusion that if you ride you might go down someday. As some riders will say it is not if but when. When was looking to be right now.

The slow lane was not an option since the red shirt trucks were parked with the revelers out in their lanes clapping it up. Middle lane had a big rig. That is bad – since you don’t want to go under it despite what they do in the Bourne flicks and the fast lane had a small pickup truck – sans bumper. Center divider not a great option since you may go over it or slam against it. Back of the small pick-up truck was the target thus avoiding hitting anyone. I rode the bullet to the bitter end as my front wheel came to rest smack in the middle of the small truck and the impact turned the bars and sent me to the ground. I jumped up fearing I was going to get run over and luckily the traffic was mostly stopped – it seems the red shirts saw me rocketing towards the truck and decided to hold the traffic back from more folks doing the same. I picked myself up, tried to get my bike back up and see if I killed anyone.

No injuries and minimal bike scrappage. Small dent in the back of the truck. Shit. I moved my bike to the side and realized I was facing the owner of the truck. He was nice enough to make sure I was okay before he started pointing at his truck. Hmmmm. At this point about 30 people where around since the traffic was stopped due to the military roadblock about 500 yards ahead. They had not noticed my mess yet which was a good thing. I started to talk to the guy in the truck but before I could say much a few of the red shirts asked if I was okay. I said yes. Bike okay? I think so. Then they went to the truck driver to tell him to get in his car. No one hurt – minimal damage. Seems the red shirts were worried the cops would be brought over and thus exacerbate the situation further. Non red-shirt people were peeved enough at the traffic jam. I took this as my cue to leave. I started the bike – took the u-turn and was on the other side heading towards a gas station. I am sure the truck driver was upset and I don’t blame him but the red-shirts caused the mess and I figured I should take the option to skate.

Bike needs servicing. I got servicing later. I miss Bangkok.

If you need some funky music to listen to while you read this try to find these albums – Vol. I and Vol II. For alternative reading try the Onion.

When making this pseudo ranking I was think about the overall ability to have fun (p4p and not p4p), ease of use, and just all around vibe. For sure some of you might think I am partial to Thailand, maybe I am, but I think that even if I was not the context for how I look at the region might be the same. One of my parameters was that the experience can’t be based on secret or insider knowledge since that means someone new to the mix won’t have a good time. Sure there are other levels of know-how and with repeated trips you learn the ropes but I hate the  – go down this street no one can find, turn right, use a secret handshake and then be sure to pay first and negotiate a good deal. After all that you will get the most amazing blowie with your haircut at rock bottom prices. Yeah – right.

As always though – feel free to comment – re-order or add some depth. That is the point of it all anyway.

1. Thailand : For general action I think it still stands above the rest. Easy to get around due to the trains. Taxis mostly cooperative and even when not they are not too crazy. Unlike in Manila where they just turn off the meter while driving or ask for 2-5 times the meter. Tons of international food but plenty of cheap, good-tasting Thai options. A plethora of services from bj bars, massage, soapies, go-gos, beer bars, clubs, member clubs and pretty much any of the normal stuff you want to do. Internet and phone services look to be slipping behind and not exactly cheap but you can get by. Great freelance scene and plenty of places to try and chase normal girls. There is a reason Thailand is the top tourist destination in the region – you can’t beat it. For sure it may not be as good as it was but is any place? However I think it is still pretty good and for the most part, minus the bed clubs of the country, the pricing is still quite reasonable.
2. Indonesia : It takes a little more work than Thailand and there are no go-go bars and I have not found the equivalent of a soapie joint but apart from that Jakarta packs a lot of punch. The party scene is pretty intense with clubs that go late and the attitude, shall we say, is a little freer than Thailand. Check this for things that happen there. There are some killer massage joints – tons of them. You have places like Fortune near the Le Merdian hotel. Spa, gym, pools, and a rub and tug for good price. Then places like Malioboro that offer almost all of the various p4p race options under one roof. Could be the best spot in SEA for non-asian p4p action. No chubby uzbeks – talking hot ukranians for example. Pricey but heh. Plenty of good food, good clubs and easy to get around with cheap taxis but the traffic is hell. As a tidbit the hotel FL scene is probably better than Thailand’s and decent pricing – girls, not the booze. No Lolita’s though.
3. Philippines : Given the taxi hell, pricing and general dodgy feel sometimes I had to rank indo higher. That’s me anyway. Sure there are go-gos in Manila but they are crap compared to Thailand so what is the point? The FL scene is pretty good though and lots of variety. The English is good so easy to get around and chat people up but the taxis sucks and so does the traffic. Food is okay but way too much Western influence for my taste. No real street food scene either which is the cool part about Thailand and Indonesia. The massage joints are okay but nothing off the charts yet but maybe there is something I have not yet found. Karaoke scene not my fav but lots of hotties there. Online though, one can meet lots of girls and not just the p4p. The clubbing is decent but I think Indo better but the variety of folks in the club is nice – much better than Thailand. Also no Lolita’s.
4. Cambodia : It is a toss up but the depth is not there in Cambodia so Manila is better – however I think Cambodia is more fun than Vietnam. It is funny – people always talk about finding Viets in Cambodia but for my taste the Viets have the worst service but if you want them – go to Vietnam? Cambodia has great food, easy to get around via motos, nice edgy feel with lots of “supplies”, good FL scene, stays open late and there is plenty of service bars. Not quite Lolita’s but almost. Language might be a little more of an issue here but I think there is enough English going around to deal with. Internet wise Cambodia sucks and access to Internet, like with USB dongles, is not taken off yet. This is where Indo and Ph have it over all these places. Cheap Internet access and lots of open wi-fi everywhere. Thailand fairly clueless in this regard. p4p pricing seems to be on par with Thailand and good value for the money. Lolita’s – sort of. Also – I guess the beach scene is cool for partying?
5. Vietnam : The only place to go to party is Saigon or HCMC. Yes – places like Hanoi are cool but the scene is not there. Food is awesome in VN, taxis are petty easy and I think it is safe enough to pretty much cruise around. Plenty of clubs, clubs are open late and there are clubs for FL activity as well. Given the state of Dong – Vietnam is pretty good value for the money. There are no go-go bars but plenty of beer-bar and service bar options but usually I think they are not that great value for the money as compared to Thailand. Your mileage may vary. There are some cool bars with lots of hostesses but you have to meet them in other ways – but this where some of the cuter girls are in my opinion. Here is the rub with VN though – the service is not something people write home about. That seems to be a fairly unanimous opinion across SEA. Yes – you will see some stunners. I fall in love more times in VN than anywhere I go but try talking to them or cracking the shell. Tough to do. Of course readers or people who are old VN hands will say VN is amazing and you just have to know where to go and how to do it. Great – but then it fails the test of being able to just show up and have a great time. Massage scene is okay but nothing like 1,2 an 3 in the list. No proper Lolita’s.
6. Malaysia : It ain’t great but it is better than Singapore. Good clubs and lots of late night stuff but most people think it used to be better. Food is great and plenty of places to eat. Taxi suck dirty, smelly ass though and you would think they could fix this. Massage scene is pretty good but I never seem to find the best places – it is another one of those sides of Malaysia that you have to know where to go type of thing – I never seem to. If you happen to be in KL you can have fun but it is not as cheap or crazy as it used to be.
7. Singapore : As of late the place is lightening up a bit – later clubs, more parties but Singapore is just fucking expensive, pretentious and tends to be more of a family joint. Yes – there is Orchard Towers (4 floors) but the drinks are pricey and the girls are as well. There are lots of little alternative scenes but it take some digging. Party favors are not tolerated. Geylang seems to be the last red light area in town but I have spent zero time there. The idea of a district bothers me to begin with. Food is plentiful but not cheap. Taxis suck. You can never get one when you want one and the price of wherever it is that you are going will take 2-3 drinks out of your budget. Plenty of girls though and places to meet but be prepared to spend to do it. The only cool thing I can give to Sing is the free wi-fi all over town. Props but of course the whole net is censored.

Not an exhaustive review but it might help with deciding where to party or which countries to visit.

discuss…

ps. No I did not forget Laos. I have not spent enough time there to render an opinion. Anyone else?