Big Mango Bar
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The Penthouse by The Notorious BMG

Posted by The Notorious BMG | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on May 5th, 2011

My last stay in the Penthouse is one I’ll not forget for a while.  It’s at the front end of my mind when talking with friends and colleagues when they’re telling me of a girl they pulled at the local bar the other night and they got a snog.  My story of my party top trumps all their little tales.  Even if they are tired of hearing it, I am not.

It is always at the front of my mind also when I have the urge to have one off the wrist and there is nothing but my sordid memory for material…  but anyway..  All of my stays at the Penthouse have been memorable.  But the 1st time I ever stayed there will always leave a mark in my memory.

Roll back to the summer of 2005.  I was in Thailand for the 1st time ever, visiting a BKK veteran.  In my 2 weeks, my pal PRP insisted we visited Pattaya.  Knowing that I am a fool who is easily parted with his money and is happy to pay top dollar for luxury accommodation and nice surroundings, he booked us into the Penthouse Hotel. Must be good.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Penthouse Hotel Suites around the world, so I had an image in my mind what to expect.

Of course, we all know the Penthouse to be anything other than 5-star Luxury.  Not that I am being derogatory. No.. I think the Penthouse is awesome once you accept that it’s aim is to be a seedy, debauched, no disillusions as to what the place is about. Sex.

Outside it looked like the Titty Twister from the movie Dusk Til Dawn. It just needed a little man saying ‘we got red pussy, yellow pussy, smelly pussy, green pussy’ etc…

Parked on the road and under cover were two Mini Cooper S’s.. not cheap in Thailand. Business must be good?

So there I was..  my pal booked me a big room.. I can’t remember which of the many themed rooms it was.  Nothing too sleazy.. just the usual dancing poles, Jacuzzi, mirror ceiling and  wooden cock ashtrays.  Looking out of the window gave me the wonderful view of a big sign saying ‘Boyz Town’.

I can’t say I was impressed… it was hardly Sydney Opera House or Central Park that I was used to.  But I kept an open mind.

PRP told me to get ready and took one of the wooden ashtrays. ‘I thought you quit smoking’ I said, but he just mumbled something and  left in a hurry.

I showered and shaved.  Laid my clothes out on the bed and was in my boxers and a T-shirt.  PRP arrived at the door raring to go.  In he came and told me to get my skates on.

How do you like the room then? Turning on the TV to reveal a man getting sucked off by another man…  Well, I am wondering what CSI:Bangkok would find if they were to examine the place.

Looking out the window PRP said that I should get a picture of the Boys Town sign – what a beauty!

There were two window frames.  The internal window was tinted and the external window was clear.  I opened the internal dark window only to watch (in slow motion) the whole window frame fall out of its runner….

Falling 2 floors…..  onto the slanting roof…. (still in tact)… then sliding down to where the 2 expensive car were.. and more importantly.. expensive people were walking.

The window frame with glass intact picked up speed and it slid down the roof… flying off the roof, it cleared the cars and hit the road.  Smashing into a million pieces on the road.  Luckily no one was walking underneath at that moment or I’d be in big trouble!

click to enlarge

Not knowing what to do, I turned to my trusted pal who was by now on the floor howling with laughter so much that he looked in pain.

Looking outside, a crowd gathered and started looking up.  Oops.  I asked PRP to stop laughing and get up – as this could be serious, when the door was being knocked on. A lot.

PRP managed to wipe the tears from his eyes enough to open the door and let the Manager, Security and some other guy in the room.

I explained that all I did was slide the window open and that it fell out of the runners.  Honest.

They looked at me in my shorts, looked at the trousers on the bed, looked at the TV showing gay porn then looked at PRP with a red face.

The Manager said that I must have had both hands on the window and pushed it! Obviously whilst taking one up the nought.

That is exactly what I’d of thought was going on.  Especially with the flashing ‘Boyz Town’ sign lit up over my shoulder.

I once again asked PRP to stop laughing uncontrollably as this was not helping the situation.  He didn’t.

The Manager said he’d have to get an Engineers report before deciding what action to take.  I told him not to bother as any idiot can see that the window runners were obviously supplied by the cheapest bidder, as everything else was in the hotel.

They all spoke in Thai and the Manager left saying it’ll cost a few thousand.  There was nothing more I could do.  They left.  I got dressed and PRP reduced his laughter to something that didn’t involve him dribbling.

The next morning when I checked out (early) there was no mention of the window!  I got away with it.  Well,  I didn’t have to pay for damage that I didn’t cause.  So it was a good result.

I’ve stayed in the Penthouse many times since then and have always had a blast. I’ll never forget the 1st time I stayed there though.

They never charged me for the missing wooden cock ashtray either.