A guy walks into a bar… by Daywalker
After a day of throwing up and generally feeling sorry for myself after DWIII I cut a sorry figure at the bar. Along side me sat my comrade pmmp who gave me sympathy in the format of showing people pictures he took of me with the toilet pan (removed from the toiled) around my neck with me laying in my own piss and vomit.
In walks a new face to the bar. A big strapping lad, clean shaven and well presented. After all, this isn’t Pattaya. He ordered a drink, flicked through the wide variety of magazines available (shameless plug) before walking around to where pmmp and I sat and introduced himself. I guess he figured we were some how connected to the bar by the way girls were asking us to carry beer kegs for them and stealing food from our plates.
Introduced as Bruce from ‘a land down under’, he had been in town a few days and wanted to pop into the bar and say hello after being a reader (not contributor I might add, wink) for a few years. As always, we welcome readers to the bar and struck up a little conversation. 1st off was an enquiry about YP. ‘is he really a dirty little oik like he’s portrayed on the blog? – easy one that. He’s much more a dirty little oik than portrayed on the blog.
Next – ‘Where are the good bars and what is there to do round here’. Over to pmmp, being the master of information and party organizing. After all, it was pmmp that procured half a dozen little minxes for my b’day party to worship me. Pity I couldn’t remember them. Anyway, pmmp was on a clock as he had to visit the local orphanage to give them money before flying off to carry out peace work in a war torn country somewhere, so jotted down a few places on a bit of paper for Bruce to visit. A few little titbits of advice and recommendations were passed that would put any new comer in good stead when on their own. Normally, one of us (or both) would happily (any excuse) offer to take the guy on a little walk about down the road – bit of a personal touch but as stated pmmp was out of there and I was feeling like death warmed up.
Being the kind of warm hearted softie that I am, I told Bruce that if he were to stop by the next evening I’d be back to my fighting weight and would happily take him on a little tour. Off he went into the night wielding his pmmp paper.
The next night I was in the bar having successfully managed to out run the smell of stale sick and even managed to polish my bald head. In walked my date er… I mean Bruce. We guzzled a beer and then off we set in search of some action. 1st off was the Stumble Inn. Some ex-Mango girls are there and welcomed us as they would any potential sponsor. They really are nice girls and if you happen to stop by – buy Aum and Yo a drink and tell them Graham says hi. They’ll be friendly. A few tequilas passed our hands. Bruce was starting to relax and the friendly girls were soon getting us on the path of getting drunk.
Time flies when you’re having fun but it was time to move on. After 45 mins we headed into Nana. Straight into Pretty Lady. A personal favourite of the Mango. Once again, I was greeted like David Hasslehoff at a German concert. The girls from the DWIII party were there and all excited. If I am honest, I didn’t remember a thing about them at the party. Some drinks were bought and we were all having a laugh. Boobies were being thrown all over the place, lots of touching and trouser snakes were being prodded, poked and pinched.
After we were suitably drunk, Bruce asked the question… “about these lady fellas (aussie accent)… I knew where this was heading. And, if you’ve never been in their company or seen them then I guess there is a fascination. Or if you’re YP and want LB cock up your arse, then it’s just a natural enquiry…We said our good-byes to the now tipsy girls and headed to Angelwitch. DavetheRave came over and said hello – his usual hospitable self. There were some girls on the stage doing their show and a couple of girls either side of us asking us the standard questions. I could tell that Bruce was still thinking about the Lady Fellas… 20 mins later saw us check bin and head to Cascade.
Now, even though I’ve been going to Nana for a fair few years, I still feel out of my comfort zone. I walked into Cascade – avoiding all eye contact and took a seat that wasn’t covered in YP jizz. Immediately we were set upon by YP’s ex’s. The fact that they were in Cascade and had todgers was enough to ascertain they were acquaintances of YP. I can’t really recall what went on for the next 30 mins. They say your mind shuts out horrible memories. I know there was a lot if uneasy laughing going on. I kept mentioning my girlfriend in a pathetic attempt to get the LF from putting my hands on his/her norks. Bruce seemed to be quiet and was having a good touchy feely session. I do recall him pointing at an LF and saying…‘is that a fella?’…. ‘yes’ was my reply. “what about that one”… again ‘yes’ was my response. This pretty much lasted until we’d pointed at the whole cast in Cascade. Now, I pretty much find it easy to identify a LF. Not because of the todger… but for me, they all seem to have an oversized Mickey Rouke sized skull. Maybe it’s just a super power I have? Anyway, to the untrained eye, some of the ‘fellas’ didn’t look half bad as a girl. Enough of all that. Check bin the hell out of there.
Next up was Mandarin. Said to be the best gogo in Nana currently and I’d have to agree. The girls had a big food blender/punch bowl of god knows what in it sitting by the stage. About 6 straws were poking out of it. Whatever it was, the girls were getting happy off it. Greeted by the service staff as ‘Hello Big Mango’ and shown to the seats. I think Bruce was by now thinking that Bangkok must be a small place because everyone seemed to know me.
Time was getting on and I informed Bruce that I had to get back to my girlfriend before some fat old French dude starts hitting on her in the bar, meaning that I’d have to bury another body in the garden… at this time of night, I was too drunk to do that. I told Bruce that I would be venturing over to Nana Liquid after the bar has closed and he was more than welcome to tag along, but just in case he felt gooseberry then why not barfine the gorgeous young girl that was rubbing herself on his lap?
I left Bruce in Mandarin looking at the girls and licking his own eyebrows and telling the girls how he wrestles crocodiles or something. Just before hoofing out time at the Mango, ‘Bruce turned up with a rather nice looking hottie – let’s call her Sheila. Off we all went to Nana Liquid. I had a buzz on so kept on the Vodka Redbulls. The music was assaulting my ears but the Vodka was keeping me occupied. Bruce and Sheila seemed to be getting on fine but Bruce was starting to show signs of someone who couldn’t keep matching a little Thai Sheila 1 for 1 on drinks. Bruce drinking with a Thai girl seemed about as one-sided as, oh lets say, the last Ashes. After some more drink. Bruce decided his vodka would look better if it was poured down his shirt and the surrounding floor. Time for him to take a seat and for Sheila to rub his back. Bruce now cut a pathetic drunken figure with his head in his hands. He was on the drunken train… next stop was a placed called ‘cunted’. I asked if he was o.k… ‘bloody awesome mate’ or something like that was the response. Feeling a tad responsible for the state he was in I suggested that Sheila take him to his bed (or tent?). I gave Bruce my card and told him should he find himself in any danger or have any problems – then call me. I then grabbed my girl, necked my drink, turned my phone off and headed for the door.
I returned to my pit and gave my girl the attention that she has come to expect from me. I threw up on my clothes, ate half a 7/11 hot dog and fell asleep.
The next day I was fully recovered. I woke up just in time for breakfast at 6pm. Bruce walked in the bar and was looking a little fragile. He had a great night and Sheila took good care of him. He didn’t fancy another night of heavy drinking so was going to take it easy. I asked him if he’d checked out Gulliver’s and Big Dogs. He hadn’t so off we went on another little stroll.
Gulliver’s was pretty lame to be honest. Maybe it was the wrong time of day? What we did notice though, is that all the guys there that were playing pool with the girls there all had their serious heads on. There was no smiling or joking. The guys were taking the game really seriously. Surely playing pool with a girl gives you the opportunity to have a chat and a laugh with her? Maybe these guys thought they could wow a girl with the pool skills they acquired over the years in a bar in farang land all these years? We left soon after watching all the girls humiliate the farang pool players.
Next up was the Big Dogs. Sit there… watch the world go by. Have a little chat with Sophie the flower girl. I’ve known her since my first trip in 2005. She always pesters me for a few bucks saying she’ll buy food. I oblige and she’ll buy the food and sit there and eat it in front of me (never offered me any). On some occasions she has even asked to ‘borrow’ a few thousand and gave me the (what I think was honest) reason ‘my friend needs it’. Again I oblige as she insists she’ll pay me back. Each day over the next week or so will see her finding me in the street and giving me instalments. I don’t even have to ask. Sophie is pretty well known in soi 4. She has the street smarts and I have on occasions used her knowledge and know how to get things done. There is a pecking order amongst the street kids and Sophie seems well established.
The entrance to Nana had quietened down now that all the girls and lady fellas were now sliding up and down a pole.
I leave Bruce there and head back to HQ to perform the b.f duties. Bruce was heading into Nana for the nights entertainment. Hope he found it.
That was the last I saw of him! Was it something I said? Well… I got an e-mail a few days later. Bruce was back in his home country and hopefully telling his pals what a great time he had. He explained that the last few days he was ‘crook’ but had a little Sheila tending to his every need.(good man).
Bruce plans to return later this year with some pals. As we all know, there is no way you could describe your 1st or 10th experiences in Bangkok to your mates and they’d fully understand and appreciate it. Best off letting them see for themselves.
The few hours that I spent showing Bruce around has hopefully given him the knowledge to go back with his mates and take ‘lead’. By this I mean he’ll choose where to take his pals, pick the seat in the gogo’s that are next to the stage, identify the ‘fun’ girls and be the one to strike up some chat with the girls and his pals.
Failing that, I am always around to tag along and get the ball rolling. I did mention that a fun time is always had at an engineered party. – maybe next time?
On my 1st trip, pmmp & smitty showed me around. They didn’t have to – it’s just the bar scene. Anyone who rolls in and is friendly will receive friendly advice and if we are around, will more than likely take you on a little ‘taster’ tour. – No charge!