Cactus John’s Killing Fields by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on January 21st, 2011
Sometimes things happen for a reason. Like when Cactus John went to his butcher’s to collect his order of pork ribs for one of his Tuesday food specials at the Soi Cowboy bar. Each portion was far too big, but John simply shrugged and decided to add 50 baht to his normal price of 200 in order to compensate for his investment in the huge slabs of protein.
The result, as you can see from the photo, was spectacular. One of these ribs would have fed a family. Seven of the monsters presented a spectacular challenge. The ribs, barbecued to perfection in a finger-licking sauce, actually hung over the plate’s side. It was only after chomping on this carnivorous feast for half an hour that my grazing protege RB and I realised there was potato salad and devilled eggs underneath the slabs, complementing the lovely sweetcorn soup.
It got very messy. When we realised that knives and forks would be no use in tackling these titans, we had to use our fingers. The sticky sauce got everywhere. Waitresses with disapproving looks regularly supplied us with paper towels to clean our fingers and faces. Even so, I virtually had to hose myself down in the toilets at the end.
RB made a gallant effort but had to concede defeat with one and a half ribs still uneaten. I, of course, managed to down all mine but was unable to take up RB’s offer to finish his. John asked him if he would like to take them home, but he declined. We were both suffering badly from protein overload.
John sold all his ribs that night. A dustbin in the toilets was groaning under the weight of diners’ discarded bones. I had not seen so many bones in one place since I visited the Killing Fields museum in Phnom Penh.
I don’t know how many pigs died to feed us all. Let’s just say that Thailand’s porker population is in mourning today.
37 Responses to “Cactus John’s Killing Fields by On Nutter”
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That 'free blowjob with first drink'....mmmm wheres that? Just curious.
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Good theme for the party DW, never tried a 'Four-Some', bucket list #38.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good read. Appreciate the effort. Thanks
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"A group of guys from the US Military descended upon us" - did everything suddenly become 'awesome' ?
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I hope you keep the fortnightly updates going. It's a good read and something most (any?) other bars don't do. I used to frequent the 'Ol...
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CTG - June 9th is the party. There will be a separate post about it soon - I am just waiting on some final details.
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Daywalker, have you confirmed the date for the anniversary party? Last I read was some time around June 8th or 9th.
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Recent Comments
Translator
John’s getting some rave reviews recently – I’ve not eaten there since a certain persons birthday party a couple of years back… this time around I’m going to make a habit of it – Porkers beware.
View all comments by doctorbond
Cactus John does some seriously good snap.
Me and The Heckler have had the Reuben sandwich a few times which was shit-hot, and some kind of Enchillada contraption which was bang on the money
Wash those down with some of the 12% Belgian fancy smancy imported grog he stocks, and your stuffed and fairly well lubricated for 1000 of his majestys sheets
Just dont look at the freaks on stage, as it’ll put you off your din-dins
View all comments by Young Penfold
I remain the only person on earth who notes that Cactus John also plays fantastic music. I guess you guys can tune out hearing ‘Nothin on You’ for the fifteenth time in the day, right before ‘Want You’ by Pitbull is dropped by the DJ for your tenth listen? I guess that’s my curse for being a musician.
Anyway, John plays some ripping blues and R+B to go with the bbq. And Penfers, there was actual improvement on the stage talent at the new year. Probably not up to your exacting standards, but certainly better than previous.
View all comments by Scampering Jack Wilshere
Sadly I missed Tuesday’s feast, but I was there Thursday for the Philly Cheesesteak and some Maredsous 10.
Pros: Awesome food, awesome beer, awesome music, friendly wait staff
Cons: No peanuts (on Thursday), Dancers still need to hit the gym even after the improvements (which are admittedly noticeable, even though I’ve only been in twice before)
View all comments by PlanR
@ Penners, don’t talk about the mother of my children that way you skinny little faggit! Were breading our own little semi-pro team of stage freaks….Sadly I’ve yet to even find Cactus Johns Bar let alone eat any of the highly praised victuals? on the list for sure!!!
View all comments by nurseRon
Why is it when you’re at a bar and you have a plate of whatever, your friends all nick a chip/fry and even dip it in your ketchup – the girls get all angry and say you shouldn’t do that?!
It’s not like they’re licking your fork.
I just don’t get it.
View all comments by Daywalker
Two of us left in town and we went for the ribs. Spot on description by ON.
Also BF a cute 22 year old. Not much English so it was hard work but well worth the effort. And the field has improved. The addition of a mamasan has certainly made a big difference. Girls can dance OK, and not just pole huggers as they were last Songkran when we were there. If the word gets out anymore about this joint you will have to get there at 6 pm to get a seat on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday nights.
View all comments by 3 Amigos
No analyses of the after affects of such large quantities of protein ingestion. Not doubt the morning after would have been particularly punishing for a few of the currently hired petite ti raks as their large sweaty farang clients discharged their foul putrid loads down the John. Extra tip earned (I’d say) for her and (indirectly) her Thai boyfriend as the psychological damage to both parties would surely be even greater than normal odour fuelled morning after transgressions (normal being the musty aroma of a fat farang’s other protein discharge stored in his ti rak’s pussy purse for more than 24 hours – stumbled across by a disgruntled som chai as he realises that his existence as a provider of motorsy taxies and his girlfriend’s pussy is a pretty shitty lot).
View all comments by bassyfarang
BF,
Put the fucking bong down, your ranting!!!!
View all comments by The Man
@bassy: Comments come and go around here. Yours stands out a bit though. Not sure why. Perhaps if there was a website called blogcommentanalysis.com we could submit this and find out. I’m not taking the piss here either. There’s just quite a bit behind what you said and I’m glad you’ve chosen this blog to let it out. Always enjoy a good rant.
View all comments by pmmp
Ha! I swear that I didn’t see The Man’s comment before I sent mine. Too funny.
View all comments by pmmp
Cactus John must be loving this – you can’t buy this type publicity.
@bassyfarang – That’s some fucked up shit. Hilarious, but fucked up.
@The Man – Good to see your still around. I don’t see many comments from you these days but when I do, your right on the money.
View all comments by Rick Masters
How long after eating that massive slab did the ‘meat sweats’ begin? I’d give it about 20 minutes…tops.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Well! It’s nice to see I’ve been missed. Because the dive of the American buck, my choice of paying big rent for a big place and the closing of my daytime watering hole, I no longer get out to belly up to the bar as I used to. Should the dollar regain some value, I will return to my old ways.
View all comments by The Man
@The Man – I was shocked by how much money I spent in the kingdom, and because of what I do for a living I understood down to the tenth of a penny what the dollar was worth. Anyone who claims Dr. Bernanke is not debasing the currency should be given the number of baht/euros/yen it took to survive in 2001 and sent abroad. Brutal stuff.
View all comments by Scampering Jack Wilshere
Maybe someone should set up a company that allows punters to send in euros in August and lock in the baht for January.
Benny in the Ink-Jets been jamming but its not been nearly as fun as when Uncle Al did tho…. Bring back 2005…
View all comments by cam
@Rick Masters – Not necessarily. He has bad nights after publicity. The place packs so people are turned away, including the regulars, and the blowins eat and leave him sitting in an empty bar at 11pm with only the ugliest girls for company. He often loses money on the food and a girl barfined early is a loss for the bar. Its a strange business
View all comments by Cabby
@Cabby.- You are right. The BF there is only 500 BHT (cheap for Cowboy) so when you can see what you are getting, and get to sample them (applying the kissing litmus test before taking them) the good ones will go early. This trip M paid the retainer during the meal went to other bars with the rest of us and arranged to come back at 12.00 to pick her up twice. Didn’t even go inside to see what was left (probably not much) as she was waiting outside.
View all comments by 3amigos
“the retainer”
I like that
View all comments by Werewolf
A friend came into town and I more or less was obliged to go out for a while last night. To say that it was not a disappointment would be an understatement We ventured into the hell hole of hell holes the Nana Plaza, and I can’t remember when a collection of fucking whores were as dead from the neck up as I saw last night. Rainbow 4 had a couple of really great looking honeys on stage but if their feet moved more than an inch in either direction while doing , what I guess was dancing, you looked at them and the lights were on, but no one was home. The price of a drink was crazy and for my money the very best thing that could happen to that whole place would be to level it. In fact level the whole damn corner. Drive those damn piss ant vendors back to the rice farms or rubber plantations. What a bunch of rude, obnoxious, grubby, dregs of humanity of no value to anyone. Sad! I remember when it was a great fun place with real sweetheart girls, now its give me your money and get the hell out. No problem there for me, never again!
View all comments by The Man
@ The Man,
You’ve just put a dark cloud over my “‘Nana Dreams ” that were cumming to a furore-in about a fortnight….
Fuk me….Breakfast,lunch and dinner at the Mango,then Suk-Golden Mile Beer Bar for my score it is!!
View all comments by KhunKunta
The Man,
So what is it you’re saying?
View all comments by Daywalker
Shame how washed up NEP seems to be. But I still had a riot in 1 or 2 places a few months ago. A female thai friend is torturing me daily, sending me a phone pic of the plaza as she passes the entrance in the early eve – arrrgghh!
Let’s see how its looking in end-of-March – I intend to bank-roll a one-man rescue package. Which might stretch to 3 ladydinks if they’re lucky.
I know how you septics feel about the dollar. Everytime I’m on Evaair’s website about to book my BKK trip, Mervyn King, chief twat of the Bank of England issues a ‘cautious warning’ about the economy. (he only ever speaks when I’m booking a trip) Within seconds, the Queens sheets take a nosedive against the baht. He needs to come with me to see the consequenses of his actions – If he saw the squalor of the ST rooms I now suffer, he’d think on a bit.
View all comments by Hunch
I barfined a tall skinny (and freakin sexy) Cambodian chick from there a couple weeks ago. I was mao mak mak, and only discovered in the morning that she spoke not a word of English, I though fuck me, my Thai is getting much better.
Most surprisingly in the morning, she would not accept any money from me. Now, I know I did not give her any money prior to out assignation(s), other than bar fine, and lady drinks, but I’m fucked if I’ve ever had this happen before. Eventually she took taxi money. Next time I’ll have the ribs (and the cambo chick) to go….
View all comments by wineguy
@ The Man
You seek intellectual stimulation from hookers?
View all comments by Wombat
@The Man….
Drag your arse down to the bar on the 4th…. Drinks on me.
View all comments by Daywalker
the man – please. I saw you sheepishly sneaking into that other bar… plus you never answer your phone. Assume we will see you at DWIII!
cactus john is a god among mortals…
View all comments by WFTM
WFTM, Try dialing the correct # and I would answer, but then again if you tried while your in one of your drunken romps……………well then I understand your confusion. My phone # has not changed in 5 years.
When you close my favorite watering hole, don’t go into the reason, and remove my favorite girl, what else do you expect a man to do? Find another place to belly up to the bar. You can bet that it will not be the Nana Plaza.
DW
The 4th of what? JULY?
View all comments by The Man
I believe the 4th would be this coming Friday, the fourth of february.
View all comments by Werewolf
WB,
No I don’t seek intellectual stimulation from a whore, but I don’t think it’s too much to expect a smile. Nor do I think that I’m out of line to expect the fucking fag management to stop pushing their retarded, grossly overweight or skinny ugly bimbos away from my area when I tell them no. I don’t know what your standards are but mine are just a tad higher than what I saw at the Nana Plaza. Even though I’m no Brad Pitt my money is long and those in the whore business had better understand that. I want what I want when I want it, but if but if I’m not catered to, then they can find someone else.
View all comments by The Man
Sense of humour a bit thin this week?
View all comments by Wombat
I was there tonight and just linked over from another comment and then saw the picture of the ribs. They were even bigger tonight. Infreakinsane!
View all comments by pmmp
@pmmp, now I understand how you guy were able to tolerate the arguably, worst fucking gogo bar this side of Saigon! Those ribs were absolutely fantastic even if you had to eat them standing while dodging dancer feet!
View all comments by nurseRon
Well, there will always be different opinions and tastes with GoGo’s. I love the place. I’ve said it many times now that John is the best bar owner ever. He’s almost always there, always in a festive mood, and always greets newcomers. For those who have done the bar biz before, you know how hard that actually is. No place is perfect, and perhaps he won’t be there on a given night, but the girls are nice and the place is unique. A bit old school which is fine by me.
View all comments by pmmp
Yeah man… those ribs were monster size — it reminded me of the Fred Flintstone cartoon where he got a rack of dinosaur, I guess, and his car tipped over. Cactus John’s ribs last night were about that size. I killed mine, scraped the plate clean of macaroni & cheese, then went for the lemon merangue pie, which was served hot and was very tasty. I’m sure I gained a kilo or two on that one meal, alone. A night out with pmmp, nurseRon and that other guy was welcome, even if I did end up “doing a Spats” and leaving at 9:30. I, for one, thought that Cactus held its own as a go go, with or without John & his food. The girls looked fine, and given that the only things they were wearing were shoes and smiles, I had nothing to complain about.
What is it they say? “A good time was had by all”
View all comments by Werewolf
Shoot, I was there as well and always wanted to meet WW.
John does the ribs night pretty regularly (once or twice a month). Speaking of the Flintstones, he sometimes cuts them extra large and for an extra 50 baht, you can get them “Flintstone” sized. It looks even more ridiculous than what was on offer last night. To get through all that usually requires me to skip breakfast and lunch beforehand. I normally hate lemon merangue, but he does a great job with that too.
View all comments by generous sponsor
all right perhaps I’m being a cunt here. The girls were fine, and I forgot how nice it is to have nothing to chance given their attire! What was killing me was his sound system! It literally could have been a cheep 80′s style boom box nailed to wall. I was also very hungry and didn’t realize why it’s best to show early. Now I know! John did seen very nice and pleasant and did personably greet, welcome and shake my hand which as pmmp said, was a nice touch of effort that some one not too long ago was bitching about here in the LOS?
Belay my prior comments regarding the bar…
View all comments by nurseRon