Dying in Bangkok by Opaque Knight
Posted by OpaqueKnight | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on January 7th, 2011
An expat I met a couple of times here in Bangkok died recently. I learned about it through my friend, Angelo, who had introduced me to him a couple of years ago when he was still alive.
His death wasn’t unexpected; he had been sick for a while. But it seems that he left his life in a bit of disarray.
He was married to a Thai woman. She woke up one morning to find herself in bed with a corpse. Unsure what to do, she called Angelo, who was probably his closest friend in Thailand. Angelo told me the story a couple of days later.
Angelo arrived to find his pal’s body sprawled across the bed. The wife hadn’t called anyone but him. He felt that he had to help her, so he suggested that she call the police to report the death. He also got the phone number of his dead friend’s family and he called them on her behalf.
He said that, with hindsight, these were the wrong things to do.
If you’re ever faced with a dead body in Thailand, Angelo told me, the first thing to do is call the Embassy. Dealing with recently departed citizens is part of what they do, and they are quite proficient at it.
The first problem for Angelo was that the police started asking him questions that he didn’t know the answer to. It’s not like they suspected foul play or anything, it’s just that he was suddenly in the middle of something he knew very little about.
More disconcerting, it seemed, was the phone call to his dead pal’s family. He actually spoke to the guy’s mother, who said that her son hadn’t contacted the family in nearly a decade. Why, she asked Angelo, hadn’t he stayed in touch? Angelo tried to explain that, though they were friends of a sort, they had never discussed family matters. He might have been the guy’s best friend in Thailand, but that often doesn’t mean much here, where relationships between fellow expats often don’t go any deeper than a shared interest in sports or beer. In short, he didn’t know why his pal hadn’t stayed in touch with the family back home. The mother was understandably distraught; Angelo described the conversation as long and difficult.
It finally occurred to him to call the Embassy. Though they were a bit sluggish to respond, when they finally did get in contact, Angelo described the Embassy guy as very helpful and knowledgeable.
Then there was the widow. Her English, apparently, is a bit spotty, and she didn’t know her in-laws, which is why she asked Angelo to call the family in the first place.
As she began to come to grips with her husband’s death, some practical considerations came into play. She had to have some sort of funeral, and that was going to cost money. Her dead husband had handled all the money, and simply gave her a monthly stipend to take care of household and her personal expenses. She didn’t have any money for a funeral.
She asked Angelo to make another call to the family to ask them to send some cash to deal with her husband’s remains. Angelo called the Embassy guy instead and asked him to take care of it… a task the Embassy guy seemed willing to do.
And then there was the matter of business. The dead guy had, in life, been self-employed. He had a small personal service business that he ran himself with a part time assistant. It had provided an income for him and his wife for a number of years. Now the wife was looking to Angelo.
She expected him to continue the business.
By temperament Angie isn’t the kind of guy who would step up to the plate anyway. On top of that, he has a full time job with a good salary, and he would never consider walking away from that, or even taking his eye off the ball by taking responsibility for the guy’s business. Finally, I guess, they just weren’t that close as friends. Angelo was willing to help out to a degree, but he wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of re-arranging his life because of the situation.
Still, Angelo said he felt some responsibility for helping the widow get things in order with the business, so he made a few phone calls to people who had to know about the death, and then made a real effort to find someone else to take over the business. I gather from our discussions that the widow was a bit surprised and disappointed that Angelo wasn’t going to do it himself, and she was less than excited by the prospect of a stranger stepping in.
Angelo sighed when he told me, and said that he really just wanted to get clear of it all. He looked through the papers that his buddy had at home, but aside from a few post-it notes there was nothing organized with regards to bank accounts, customers, email passwords, contracts or the like. In spite of his long illness, the guy hadn’t organized his affairs so that they would be easy to manage after his death.
In the last conversation we had about the situation, Angelo told me that he was going to see the widow over the weekend.
Apparently the friendship between Angelo and his dead mate had a business component as well. The dead guy, for years, had had a small business with irregular cash flows. Angelo has a strong personal balance sheet. For several years he had acted as a sort of personal banker for his pal, who would from time to time borrow money from Angie at commercial interest rates to fund his business cash flow needs. He had always paid it back quickly and the arrangement had been profitable for Angelo and useful for his pal.
Recently the dead guy had tapped Angelo for another loan, and had died owing him around 50,000 baht. Not a huge sum, but an amount that Angelo was hoping to get back. Ironically, he told me, the last words he can remember his dead pal saying to him were, “I’ll definitely pay you the money I owe you.”
Angelo was going to raise the issue of the money with the widow, though he didn’t sound very hopeful of getting it back. I think he was almost hoping that she’d say that the repayment wasn’t her responsibility so he’d have an excuse to walk away from the whole situation. I have no idea what the outcome was of that conversation.
So, why have I recounted this story?
In general, I have the feeling that Thailand is a lousy place to die.
For most of us it’s far from home. Expats who have lived here for many years – at least most of the ones I know – have done little or nothing to get their affairs in order. Many of them have little contact with families back home.
More significantly, most of us have no real family here in Thailand.
We have buddies we drink with or play golf with. Friendships are tenuous, and while a mate might be willing to stand you a round of drinks, few of the unmarried men I know here in the Kingdom (and most of my pals here are unmarried) have many friends who would be willing to take on the aggravation of dealing with things after they die.
This makes your death a matter for a helpful but anonymous Embassy official and a distant family. A situation that is both difficult and impersonal.
In the days that passed after Angelo told me the story of his pal’s death, I called my family overseas. I reassured them that I wasn’t dying, but that I’d been prompted to action by the events I’ve described above. I confirmed that they have a copy of my most recent will – one that I made before I moved to Thailand many years ago. I confirmed that they have copies of my insurance papers and retirement savings accounts so they can settle any outstanding money issues. And – very importantly – I told them what I wanted done with my body if I died in the Kingdom. I had told them about a decade ago, but I reminded them this week and I sent an email so they had the instruction in writing.
What instructions did I give?
I told them to do nothing with my body. Don’t waste time flying it anywhere, and don’t send money to anyone who asks for it. Let them put me in a potter’s field or let some charitable monks cremate me – in effect, throw me in the Outback and let the dingoes take me. Once I’m gone, I’m gone, and there’s no use spending money on anything except a round of drinks to toast to my memory – if anyone cares.
I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, but if I do die in the Kingdom, I don’t want to leave a mess behind that anyone needs to look after.
32 Responses to “Dying in Bangkok by Opaque Knight”
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A November to Remember Part Two - By Deptstar
"your really black" hahaha, and really fat....
Good one debtstar!
I survived my one night solo in Bkk! Made it to Issan spun the fuck...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
That 'free blowjob with first drink'....mmmm wheres that? Just curious.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Did a couple of all nighters this week. As after hours is concerned, Insomnia Bangkok is king in my book. There were plenty of freelancer...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good theme for the party DW, never tried a 'Four-Some', bucket list #38.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good read. Appreciate the effort. Thanks
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
"A group of guys from the US Military descended upon us" - did everything suddenly become 'awesome' ?
:)
Yup - wheels up in a week - ...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
I hope you keep the fortnightly updates going. It's a good read and something most (any?) other bars don't do. I used to frequent the 'Ol...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
CTG - June 9th is the party. There will be a separate post about it soon - I am just waiting on some final details.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Daywalker, have you confirmed the date for the anniversary party? Last I read was some time around June 8th or 9th.
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Isan women drinking too much? Really?
9.6 grammes of alcohol would be the content in 24 ml of vodka (40% v/v). That's less than a "small" measure (30 ml.) Is that daily dose s...
Recent Comments
Translator
Profound !!!
View all comments by 8 Ball
A grim reminder of what we all should do but “maybe tomorrow”.
View all comments by Durian Doug
Wow, thats heavy.
View all comments by ROLLN
Merry New Year! :O Too bad “Dark” Knight was taken. Something to seriously think about though. Thanks OK.
View all comments by pmmp
Nice retrospective and future pronouncement.
EVERYONE should have such a plan as you’ve outlined, anything less is incompetent and selfish.
As for tenuous friendships in Thailand, within a monger’s life that is par for the course, but I do not believe your average expatriate sees it this way, single or not. There are loyal and fierce friends to be had, unfortunately most so-called unmarried men of a CERTAIN AGE (+55) are rather tired and desperate in their unpresumed ways, which does not lend itself to hospitality outside of the bar scene. And if one is in the city, this insolation is even worse.
View all comments by Herman
It is a tough situation for a friend to get involved in. It’s definitely good advice to pass things like this off to the appropriate embassy.
I find it hard to trust foreign spouses (just my take), but I would definitely see to it that they were taken care of after I died (but I probably wouldn’t let them in on that fact while I was alive) and leave my will with someone I trust or in a lawyer’s hands. From my experience in Thailand, always let the women know you are more valuable alive, than dead.
A will and a list of everything important in your life should always be accomplished (many of us neglect this though) and should be in a safe deposit box (that’s what I’ve done). Let your wife or family know the details as well, whoever you deem to trust.
I’m with you as well on what happens to me after I die, put me in KFC bucket and dump in a sewer…it doesn’t matter. I don’t want any money spent on me towards a funeral. If there are loved one’s somewhere that want to remember me, they can set up a shrine somewhere in there house (it’d probably be above the toilet anyway).
View all comments by Batanha
That had the effect of making me a little less sad that I’m not in BKK, although like the author, I have no intention of dying anytime soo ………..
View all comments by doctorbond
It’s a good post, and more people should read it and think about it…no matter what their age. Just look at what happened with the recent van tragedy here, and realize that an accident or something can befall anyone anytime…no matter their age.
If someone dies here without any family here, and leaves a mess of their affairs, that’s one thing…
But if you’re a westerner and you have a Thai wife, in my world, you have a serious obligation to make sure she’s taken care of financially, in the event you should pass away. (Unless, of course, you intend for some reason to exclude her…)
That doesn’t mean you have to tell the wife beforehand all the money that she will get and from where after you’re dead. I do agree with the “more valuable alive than dead” notion.
But certainly I’d say one should make those arrangements confidentially and find a way to make sure either a) a third party executes them after your death or b) your wife gets the information to access all the accounts and such once you have died.
Anything else is simply irresponsible and failing in one’s obligations as a husband.
View all comments by laguyinbkk
pmmp – If I wake up dead one morning with a bleeding arse or bullet in my back – Tell my Mother I died in my sleep whilst doing voluntary work at an orphanage.
(all my money is hidden in a pavement crack in soi 4. – can’t remember which one)
View all comments by Daywalker
@DW: I’ll do my best to make that sound believable but you may want to delegate that to a skilled professional, like Robert De Niro.
While we are at it, if the noose around my nutsack is wrapped too tight as I dangle from the closet light fixture, or if the bullet meant for your back hits me, tells mums that I went whilst helping pig dog cross the soi to move his bowels in the empty lot by soi 6.
As for all my worldly possessions, please sell them to sponsor a Mango party. Oh, and use the leftover to make dead all the people that are dead to me.
View all comments by pmmp
That reminds me. Can you please repair my closet light fixture that you busted.
- and hose down the closet door and replace the orange from the kitchen.
View all comments by Daywalker
@pmmp – I actually thought you were dead when you dropped off the grid for over 24hrs. The Heckler and myself gave up 40min after receiving your SMS “Be right there!” when you were 2 Soi’s from us. And I don’t even want to know what you got up to after piecing your timeline together (for the record my money was on you pulling a “David Karadine” in one of the Nana short time rooms).
View all comments by Rick Masters
@rick – the Heckler and I were pretty sure you had headed to that great wrestling ring in the sky on Wednesday (or was it Monday?). We were concocting a story for the local constabulary that involved two chickens, a sour mango, a Glock, and a Hindu cremation when, thank god, you reappeared. Our story was entertaining but came up a teensy bit short for believability.
View all comments by Scampering Jack Wilshere
@SJW
- Yeah, no one would of believed the Glock.
View all comments by Daywalker
DW:
Looks like you and I were both recently featured in Not the Nation:
http://notthenation.com/2010/12/tourist-child-terrified-of-thai-women-with-colored-contact-lenses/
WW
View all comments by Werewolf
I love the daywalker reference.
View all comments by Rick Masters
I am waiting to get a call from the maid any day now complaining about the smell coming from The Hecklers room.
@RickMasters, good to see you about pal. If you have missed your flight I will tell your mother you were busy doing charity work for lepers
View all comments by Spats
@Spats: Rick was trying to kill me (I’m trying to stay on topic), which is why I was in no shape to attend the gala affair that was your birthday evening. I am sorry about that but it was all RickMaster’s fault. He makes me go overboard.
After reading this post though, I’m glad I didn’t go out. Still need to get some affairs in order and I was really close to death. To cross one item off the list though, I officially leave you all my Pat Benatar fan club material and albums.
View all comments by pmmp
I read that daywalker reference and didnt know if that was to DW… Made me understand the moniker more tho.
As for Glocks, the sweet lady who owned the hotel i use to stay in in Pattaya take one out from behind the desk and wave it around… The same drawer that held the machete and was frequently looked after by a 12 year old… Oh Soi Buakhao… What a great place to live…
View all comments by cam
Idea for a new film…. ‘Meet the Daywalkers’
View all comments by Daywalker
@Spats,will be in town-mid feb’11,will you be around?
View all comments by KhunKunta
“I learned about it through my friend, Angelo, who had introduced me to him a couple of years ago when he was still alive.”
Seems obvious that you met him when he was still alive.
View all comments by BigHairyPig
BHG: Very useful comment. Thanks for that. If I hadn’t written it that way then someone would have asked how I’d been introduced to him when he was dead.
View all comments by Opaque Knight
**If you make border runs**
Today’s Bangkok Post reports:
Be aware that this is a primary crossing point for Border Run companies, so if you plan to make a border run in the very near future this may affect you.
View all comments by Werewolf
I suppose one selfish way to look at is that your are dead so not really your problem.
View all comments by LMW
BigHairyPig sort of mentioned it but didn’t quite cover it.
“An expat I met a couple of times here in Bangkok died recently. I learned about it through my friend, Angelo, who had introduced me to him a couple of years ago when he was still alive”
I love those last 5 words. To a normal guy, they’d be completely redundant, because the ‘had’ of “had introduced me to him a couple of years ago” implies the time you met was way back, let alone adding that it was ‘a couple of years ago’ and the knowledge that the guy had died only recently.
And yet, with all that done, you went out of your way to add “when he was still alive”. Before you added those words, we’d never imagine that your friends keep corpses for years before introducing them to you. Now we do.
View all comments by bibblies
bibblies: Thanks for re-warming a comment that added so much to the discussion when it was made the first time. Maybe you and BHP can form a club to sit around and talk about the impact of redundant clauses on Bangkok-based blogs. I’m sure you’ll find each other to be fascinating company.
View all comments by Opaque Knight
You meet dead people.
View all comments by bibblies
View all comments by Opaque Knight
“An expat I met a couple of times here in Bangkok died recently. I learned about it through my friend, Angelo, who had introduced me to him a couple of years ago when he was still alive”
Was Angelo still alive when he made the introduction?
View all comments by KCMcjungle
Very moving story, makes me think of that saying “a dog is a mans best friend” but unfortunately they have not got the intelligence to arrange funerals etc.
Seriously other than you being far away alot of friendships here in the UK are more just drinking buddies.
View all comments by sirmarjalot
This is such a heavy post and my hats off to your for helping. I guess people need to make plans. However – the comments are killing me!
View all comments by WFTM