Man-Hacks for Bangkok Living by Rick Masters
Posted by Rick Masters | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on July 2nd, 2010
I thought for a change of pace I would contribute something that would be of value to those men trying to get the most out of living large in Bangkok (or back home be it the case). Just some men related life hacks I’ve come across. Man-hacks if you will. Note that I do chase non-working girls too so a little decorum was considered in these notes for when dealing with the ladies.
1. Shower Beers. Every real man remembers the first time they discovered the shower beer. I have one every week or so… the most important thing to get right is the temperature difference; that is, bitchin’ hot shower + super cold beer.
2. Wear briefs, not boxers on a night out. Why? Well if things get personal, briefs can make your package look bigger than it really is. Also, if you’re rockin’ a boner, it’s much more comfortable to wear. Many a guy has worn boxers, gotten a boner and had the head of his penis exit the boxers and rub against his trousers. Also, don’t wear white. Piss stains and shit stains can come out of nowhere and it looks absolutely disgusting – not that I have ever experienced that problem. Black is where it’s at.
3. Find a brand of socks you like. Throw away all your others (they probably have holes in them anyway) and only buy that brand/colour. For example, I buy black and white Nike knockoffs from under the Nana BTS station. No more mismatched socks, ever – they all match, and it doesn’t matter if you lose one.
4. Use aftershave. Most are alcohol-based and this will work fine as long as it doesn’t dry out your skin too much. If you find this to be the case, switch to a non alcohol-based aftershave. This is an area I don’t skint on. Aftershave makes you smell great, improves the condition of your skin, and is just manly.
5. Room Prep. If you live out of your condo like me and want to avoid short time joints to save money, you need to prep your room. ALWAYS DO THIS. You never know where the night will take you and who you might bring back. Clear the living space of any bargirl paraphernalia. You gotta think like David Fuckin Caruso from CSI Miami. Make sure you throw out all your garbage bags from previous night’s activities before walking out the door. Check the sink, dresser, draws and under the bed for eyelashes, makeup, clothing, used rubbers, Kamagra satchels, astroglide bottles etc. I swear those girls actually plant some of that shit. It can raise too many questions from guests that come over. And keep that fridge stocked up with shit from the 7/11.
6. If you’re at the Mango and shots are being done bro-style (and please, don’t tell me how you only sip single-malt scotch that’s been aged twelve years), and you don’t want to make the grossed-out face afterwards, here’s what to do: Put the shot glass to your lower lip, open mouth wide, try to smoosh your tongue as far back as you can, tilt back your head while simultaneously upending the shot glass’s contents, swallow quickly, do not swish around. Avoid any free shots from Nigel, they will fuck you up.
7. After you pee, apply light upward pressure to the area just behind your balls — this will force what liquid you have left out of your bladder (and, when you release, any liquid still hanging around back in). Then shake. Never again will you get that solitary drop a minute after you leave the bathroom, and never again will you lack confidence in the thoroughness of your shaking.
8. When racking a game of pool, lay your stick diagonally across the table. That will keep douchebags from breaking the second you lift the rack off the balls.
9. When haggling with bargirls, have the amount you WANT to pay in one pocket and extra money in the other. It is easier to get the deal if you pull out the exact amount in a wad than if you try to negotiate when they can see you have more. Real handy when you find yourself in a massage joint and you’re negotiating for that special service.
10. Don’t mix your two life styles up; they just don’t work (Duh). Don’t joke about going to Thailand back home or even elude the fact you frequent S/E Asia. Trust me, that shit can come back to haunt you. Anonymity is the key to being a stone cold whoremaster.
Anyway, these are for starters. I’m hoping it will stimulate the minds of fellow blogger’s for more sound advice of living in the Big Mango, a little bit easier. Let’s hear some more man-hacks from those in the know.
26 Responses to “Man-Hacks for Bangkok Living by Rick Masters”
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A November to Remember Part Two - By Deptstar
"your really black" hahaha, and really fat....
Good one debtstar!
I survived my one night solo in Bkk! Made it to Issan spun the fuck...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
That 'free blowjob with first drink'....mmmm wheres that? Just curious.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Did a couple of all nighters this week. As after hours is concerned, Insomnia Bangkok is king in my book. There were plenty of freelancer...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good theme for the party DW, never tried a 'Four-Some', bucket list #38.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good read. Appreciate the effort. Thanks
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
"A group of guys from the US Military descended upon us" - did everything suddenly become 'awesome' ?
:)
Yup - wheels up in a week - ...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
I hope you keep the fortnightly updates going. It's a good read and something most (any?) other bars don't do. I used to frequent the 'Ol...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
CTG - June 9th is the party. There will be a separate post about it soon - I am just waiting on some final details.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Daywalker, have you confirmed the date for the anniversary party? Last I read was some time around June 8th or 9th.
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Isan women drinking too much? Really?
9.6 grammes of alcohol would be the content in 24 ml of vodka (40% v/v). That's less than a "small" measure (30 ml.) Is that daily dose s...
Recent Comments
Translator
If I may add some input onto the haggling with whores piece, when negotiating with katoeys, NEVER accept less than 500baht from them.
Dont let those sneaky spunk-suckers have your ‘pants down’ and under-pay you.
They’ll try every trick in te book to save a few baht. If rent-day is around the corner, I usually offer a ‘no kissing’ discount, but thats as low as you should go
View all comments by Young Penfold
Of course, what YP means is “when negotiating with katoeys [who have day jobs selling knockoff Mary Kay in MBK].” And as sufficient as two pineapple pies from Mickey D’s may sound, it might have been better to accept the 500baht on offer.
In regards to boxers versus briefs, if you’re smart and not commando, you’ve discovered seamless trunks (ie. ultimate manpanties of the future).
View all comments by Elo Soode
On #5 — room prep — I do everything included in this point, as well as one other. I have a vacuum cleaner and I use it every time I walk out the door. Stray female hairs fly across the tile floor from a foot or two away, up the vacuum pipe and into the machine where they are away from prying eyes.
Also, don’t forget to change the TV back to an English language channel after your bargirl-du-jour has left, or face explaining why you are watching Thai TV when you are home alone.
View all comments by Werewolf
Always. Always. ALWAYS assume that when you are going straight to plane that there is a good chance you will miss, especially after you’ve had free shots from Nigel
View all comments by spats`
Never leave photos and/or homemade porn on your camera any longer than absolutely necessary. Try explaining that to your good girl date.
View all comments by The Heckler
In my experience its the good girls that dig all that homemade porn……
View all comments by spats`
“You gotta think like David Fuckin Caruso from CSI Miami”
I will continue, from this day on, to live my life by this phrase.
If its the homemade porn of the barrel scraper I took back from liquid a couple of weeks ago, then I fully agree with the Heckler! Fantastic panoramic shots, fully appreciated when drunk, but a mid week viewing stone cold sober really does make you question your own morales, eyesight, and ability to make conscious decisions without a lawyer.
I had one girl stash an entire wardrobe of World Cup emblazened bras and undercrackers plus two pairs of slut shoes in a plastic bag behind a chair in my bedroom a few weeks ago! You try telling your bed fellow, good or bad, that its just your love of the game that makes you go out and make impulse buys like that.
View all comments by Simon Templar
Has everybody gone mad!!! It’s Bangkok, Thailand guys. I will leave stuff out on purpose sometimes so girls get the right message…I’m a whoremonger! Sure, I had a girlfriend for a small stint back in the day, and I had to be respectful and not come home with lipstick on my cock, but fer fuck sake dudes, grow a set!
Let’s play a game called “If she asks”…
If she asks “Who’s brown hair is this?”
You say “Not sure, I just tossed three crack-ho’s out and they all had brown hair”
If she asks “Why is the TV on a Thai Station?”
You say “Because the girl I had over last night likes watching Thai TV as I bang her in the ass”
If she asks “Why you only cum little bit?”
You say “Because the last girl sucking me off milked me like a cow tit, and that’s after two earlier rounds with her friend”
C’mon guys! We are whoremongers, don’t pretend to be anything else. Chicks dig it, even the non-sex workers. Geesh, I feel like I was possessed by early Andrew Dice Clay. Eff it! Oh!
View all comments by pmmp
I wear a lot khakis at my store. Hopefully #7 will help with the embarrassing dribble.
View all comments by Gringo N Mex
#5 room pep – I got busted one time due to one of those damn menthol inhalers. Girl – “who this, you have lady here last night?” Me – “uh, no…..must be cleaning lady’s”. She didn’t buy it but got over it.
View all comments by jbsmooth
Hmm, well I got this to say about that:
re: pressing the balls to eject leftover urine: is this really a necessary skill to have to teach any grown male?! I mean, who doesn’t already know this, beyond, say, recently post-op FTMs, whom I assume are not your general audience, haha
re: shots at the Mango: here’s another survival skill: there’s this one really annoying, “loud drunk” motherfucker, not too old (late 30s? early 40s? anyway, I know he’s younger than me) who just gets TOO friendly and in-the-face of strangers for my taste. and he’s a real smartass (and thinks he’s witty). I first encountered him in a bar beer in Patpong, then about a year later in the Mango.
he took it upon himself to start buying me shots of some ungodly disgusting clear liquor, Sambuca I think. and it was the afternoon, and I was NOT ready to start drinking yet. rather than refuse him and deal with the inevitable macho bullshit, I simply instructed the friendly Mango bartenderess in Thai–of course, the douche spoke no Thai, or certainly not enough to understand my rapid commands–to do an old, tried and true “lady drink” trick: fill my shot glasses with water, and of course still charge the pushy bastard full price for the drinks he was aggressively “treating me to”. haha.
oh yeah, and if that guy is on this blog and reading this, well, I just made all that up. it’s not you I’m talking about at all. no sir.
View all comments by ratchada
oops, I meant to say “I know he’s OLDER than me”. Freudian slip, no doubt.
View all comments by ratchada
I dont think I’ve had a proper shower beer then. Im not a real maaannn!!!! My room prep skills are extraordinary however… I can make an idyllic, homely room look like a cum stained opium den in 5 mins
View all comments by barfine warrior
You’re a perfect blackguard, Mr Ratchada, a bounder. By God, I’ll have satisfaction sir.
View all comments by Hunch644
I think Pmmp is the only one seeing the forest thru the trees…
View all comments by Indu WangZi
@IW: Normally I don’t, but seems pretty clear to me. It amazes me that many guys put up with the bullshit. Zero Tolerance!
…within reason of course.
View all comments by pmmp
Had a great morning BBJ that left me with a nice bruise at the tip. While in the shower with my evening girl she noticed it while scrubbing me up. Her look was quizzical. I just shrugged my shoulders, what else was there to do or say.
View all comments by Neeno
Such a long journey for our Knight in Shining Armour!
View all comments by Werewolf
My EX-girl has now gone from wanting to die, to now wanting me to die.
I wish she’d make her mind up.
Time to get back to whoremongering.
View all comments by Daywalker
Pmmp: your stoic and unwavering “Zero Tolerance” attitude still fills me with admiration and hope of someday attaining your almost zen-like state when dealing with Sukhumvit hoes. Funny you should mention the “Why you only cum little bit?” bargirl/lady friend query. I’ve heard that number a few times (only in Thailand). I had one Bacara dancer practically rape me in my apartment (SCORE) because she had suspicions I had been out whoring up (for the record I didn’t).
Daywalker: Get some time up on the whoremongering. I got a feeling this weekend your gonna have a hard time thinking of your EX.
View all comments by Rick Masters
@WW: Ignorance is bliss, but I hate being ignorant.
–
View all comments by pmmp
I tell the girls and the wife that yeah, I was watching thai tv becuase theres some hot thai chicks on thai tv, who knew.
Wife has so many fucking poi sians laying around she doesnt even notice when new but used ones slip into the mix.
How come there was no rules to remember about switching your sim card, or handing off your dirty phone to your homeboy, or at least hiding it in a aircon vent or some shit with your condoms and ky & kams.
View all comments by ROLLN
This is awesome stuff.
I read it in the voice of american psycho and it just well – feels cool
View all comments by WFTM
One thing I can add, is that take EXTRA care and caution after a session at the hotel room. I had to learn the hard way, one of my regulars hopped in for a quick shower using the shower cap like most girls do. Me, having short hair can not explain to my main girl that I was using a shower cap. She knew I had company who used it, but I don’t remember how I got out of it but she was furious for about an hour. But about the stray hair thing, it may sound silly but it’s absolutely true.
I was on the bed and she was laying on top of me in the bed telling me about something (I forget) but I was looking in her eyes and I saw her eyes drift off into space then look directly at something behind me on the floor and she said (I see something, but I not say… I see something maybe you don’t know what it is but I see something) immediately but without moving I started to casually scan the room for condom wrappers, make-up smears and what not, because I just knew it was something that was as plain as day to see.
But when I finally followed her eyes with my eyes and focused in on a solitary long strand of hair I was like “wow, this girl could work for any forensics lab back home in the States” I mean hell, it could have been a condom, god knows I use condoms like there is no tomorrow. We all have these kinds of stories and it makes the LOS experience that much more missed. Damn I can’t wait to get back.
View all comments by King Butterfly
I like all 10 suggestions, although on #4 I recommend L’Oreal aftershave cream which is very face-friendly and also contains SPF 15 sunscreen.
Here’s a few more to add:
11. When it’s 3am and you’re stoned drunk and she looks really hot, be suspicious. Ask to see her crotch BEFORE you take her home. No exceptions.
12. When you prep the room, put all the cash that you definately don’t need for tonight into the safe. In fact, get as much personal itemage into the safe as possible. If you have guests back to your room later, don’t open the safe unless they are in the bathroom, preferably in the shower.
13. If you pick up any phone numbers, think twice before keeping the number. The safe bet is always to get rid of the number. You won’t have any traces, and you won’t be tempted to cross paths again, creating more complex trails. Just get rid of it and start over on a new adventure on another day. In very rare cases this will all come back to haunt you, and you’ll wish you had kept the number of person XYZ. But think about it, the fact that you want the number so badly is probably just another reason why you SHOULDN’T have the number.
14. Negotiate the rate BEFORE you get her back to the room.
15. You always reserve the right to ditch her on the way back to the room, or when you get there, throw her out of the room if she pulls any crap like a bad attitude, slouching service, jacks the price, or wants cash upfront. If she does any of this, just boot her right out. If your hotel is far away from where you picked her up, toss her a couple of pity quid for the cab ride home. **If she won’t leave your room, pretend to pass out, and lay there until she leaves. Worst case, grab your wallet and run out of the room and hide in the stairwell for at least 15 minutes. This has worked for me in several countries without fail. Obviously it’s odd leaving her with all your stuff, but trust me, it works. They all leave.
16. Buy some beer and snacks from the 7/11 so that your friends don’t clean out the mini bar.
17. Snag a girl early in the evening when you’re not stupid drunk and can still perform and enjoy the situation. 6pm is not too early. Plus you won’t do anything dumb or get taken. Then afterward you can go out for a few more drinks and enjoy the rest of the night.
18. Don’t get desperate. Remember, you can always just go back to the room and watch porn.
19. Don’t overpay. Don’t feel bad that you are trying to nickel and dime them down. There is NO relationship between a talented energetic woman and the amount she asks for. Find the women who are good and don’t try to clean your wallet. Beware of professionals who are lame to deliver and try to screw you financially. Note, this is not unlike wives and marriage.
20. In addition to #9, set a total budget for the night and leave all the rest in the safe. Don’t take extra cash “just in case”. You will end up getting drunk and wasting it on booze and women. Go to the 7/11, drink beer in the street, find a woman early in the evening, and keep your hard earned cash in the safe.
View all comments by joe23742
If you have ever used condoms with your straight girl ever, she will know how many are left in that bedside table drawer. Never be tempted to use them & not replace. I did & spent the night enduring WHERE YOUR CONDOM!!!!! YOU TAKE LADEEEEE!!!! WHERE CONDOM !!! WHERE WHERE.
I told her I gave to my friend in the building who ran out. Pathetic, but it created doubts.
I then fucked her up the arse & and all was forgiven…..for a while.
View all comments by Liam