10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 7 by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on May 16th, 2010
More of On Nutter and his famous Top 10 Lists…
THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED: Have you ever met a Thai geography teacher? I thought not. Most Thais would struggle to locate their own country on a map. As for the world beyond the kingdom’s boundaries, that is a closed book. “Is England close to Australia?” I was once asked by a girlfriend. “Er, no. They are on opposite sides of the world,” I replied. My inquisitor looked unconvinced and added: “Why do Australians look like farangs then?” My brief history lesson on Aboriginals and Britain’s policy of exporting criminals to faraway lands (Pattaya has replaced Botany Bay in that respect) left her shaking her head as she headed to a world map hanging on my bedroom door. Studying the Arctic Circle, she asked where the wall was. “What bloody wall?” I asked, by now somewhat exasperated. “The one that keeps the sea in.”
BUYING MYSELF LADY-DRINKS: This strange episode reinforced the notion that my main role in this country is to prop up the economy. Hungover and grumpy, I was sipping an orange juice in an empty beer bar when I noticed that my bill gave the price as an outrageous 120 baht. I called over a waitress and told her that a mistake had been made. She defiantly announced that orange juice was 120 baht because it was a lady-drink. “As I have bought a lady-drink for myself, will I get the commission?” I asked incredulously. She said that would not be possible. “Do I have to barfine myself if I want to leave?” I asked, not entirely in jest. “Up to you.”
INAPPROPRIATE SALAD GARNISHES: There is a place for a limp, soggy collection of lettuce, cucumber and tomato. That place is either the bin or a vegetarian’s stomach. I certainly don’t want to see such unwanted and unappealing items contaminating my full English breakfast or lurking under my spaghetti bolognese. What are the chefs thinking of?
THAI MALES WEARING ONLY TOWELS: Those of you who never leave The Reservation will not have witnessed this phenomenon. Believe it or not, Bangkok’s less desirable areas are full of mean-looking patriarchs who never get dressed. I used to see them daily on my walks through the slums of Klong Toey. They occasionally emerge from their roadside hovels to spit in the gutter or splash water over themselves, drying themselves with the threadbare towel covering their midriff. They would fit in well among their shirtless farang brethren in Pattaya.
WHY NO HAVE WOOD? This question was not posed by a frustrated carpenter but by a bemused and naked bargirl who was less than impressed by the state of my manhood after a night on the town. The ego-deflating nature of her enquiry meant that no wood was to be found. I went to sleep.
THE INSUFFICIENT AGE GAP: When I was 48 (not so long ago, honestly), I had a Thai girlfriend of 32. This 16-year age gap caused gasps of horror and outrage when I revealed it to female friends on a visit to England. They looked at me as though I had descended into paedophilia and earnestly advised me to seek someone of my own age. Back in the parallel universe of Bangkok, the reaction of friends was also of shock – that I should be dating someone so old. “Honestly, she has her own teeth and everything,” I protested as I was advised to trade her in for a younger model. Before I could do so, she dumped me for a younger farang and left me contemplating my approaching senility.
THE BILL BARRIER: In normal countries, utility companies make it as easy as possible for customers to pay their bills because, unsurprisingly, they want your money. Not so in upside-down Thailand, where obstacles are placed in your way if you miss an often unrealistic deadline. My electricity bill usually arrives only two or three days before the deadline for paying it at the 7-Eleven or by other electronic means. After being out of town and missing the deadline, I called the electricity company to ask how they wanted me to pay the bill. “You must come head office Ploenchit,” I was tersely informed. As I could not get time off work for such a chore, I had to pay someone to go there on my behalf. Insane.
LOST TAXI DRIVERS: Even after living in Bangkok for four years, I don’t really know where I am most of the time. Everywhere looks much the same – lots of concrete and 7-Elevens. That’s why I would appreciate it if taxi drivers didn’t ask me for directions to Sukhumvit Road or Victory Monument. Even worse, they always pretend they know where they are going before it becomes apparent that they are fresh off the farm in Udon Thani. That explains how I once ended up on the outskirts of Nonthaburi after asking to go to the immigration department near Chatuchak Park. Bastards.
THAI TONES: As a monosyllabic language with pretty basic grammar, Thai should be easy to learn. But it isn’t because someone decided, for no logical reason, that it should have five tones. Get a tone even slightly wrong and your attempt to say “have a nice day” can instead mean “your mother is a whore who sleeps with pigs”. My attempt to order the well-known noodle dish, radna, created a linguistic crisis in one restaurant. Pronounced in the flat tones of northern England, my order created not a flicker of recognition among the serving staff. Even the manager came over to try to understand what the farang wanted to eat. “You must know what it is – it’s virtually Thailand’s national dish,” I pleaded. In desperation, I started experimenting with the tone of the second syllable. Eventually, the message got home when I pronounced the na with an elongated rising tone in the manner of an opera singer rounding off a virtuoso performance. I swear I heard applause.
THE DICK COUNT: As I sauntered through Robinson department store one day, a saleswoman at the perfume counter invited me to join “a big dick count”. I was quite flattered and nodded my approval. “You’re really having a dick count?” I asked. “Yes. 50 per cent off all items,” she said with a smile.
28 Responses to “10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 7 by On Nutter”
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A November to Remember Part Two - By Deptstar
"your really black" hahaha, and really fat....
Good one debtstar!
I survived my one night solo in Bkk! Made it to Issan spun the fuck...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
That 'free blowjob with first drink'....mmmm wheres that? Just curious.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Did a couple of all nighters this week. As after hours is concerned, Insomnia Bangkok is king in my book. There were plenty of freelancer...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good theme for the party DW, never tried a 'Four-Some', bucket list #38.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Good read. Appreciate the effort. Thanks
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
"A group of guys from the US Military descended upon us" - did everything suddenly become 'awesome' ?
:)
Yup - wheels up in a week - ...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
I hope you keep the fortnightly updates going. It's a good read and something most (any?) other bars don't do. I used to frequent the 'Ol...
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
CTG - June 9th is the party. There will be a separate post about it soon - I am just waiting on some final details.
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Mango Fortnightly - 16th May
Daywalker, have you confirmed the date for the anniversary party? Last I read was some time around June 8th or 9th.
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Isan women drinking too much? Really?
9.6 grammes of alcohol would be the content in 24 ml of vodka (40% v/v). That's less than a "small" measure (30 ml.) Is that daily dose s...
Recent Comments
Translator
And stupid red shirts,parking attendants with armyboots and super loud whistles,and……………………….
View all comments by ROBERT
A suggestion for Part 8, “Farangs that pretend to be Mor Doo’s”
Another great list. Would love to hear your “10 Things I Love About Bangkok” one day.
View all comments by pmmp
re part 6
THE LANDMARK LEPER I assumed he worked for the cops like the guy outside the ATM at Charlie’s Kitchen.
NANA PIG DOG’S TATTOOED CLONE-In Pattaya Soi half a dozen the girls painted ‘their’ dog with tiger stripes.
ROBOCOP PARKING ATTENDANTS -charming but noisy.
MY LAUNDRY BILL- Yeah I got cleaned out too.
SHRINK-WRAPPED LAUNDRY – It’s a dirt thing. I love the shrink wrapped laundry.
THE ZOMBIE SKYTRAIN DESCENT-Tee Hee. It’s the slow walk up the stairs that I enjoy.
THE BEER GARDEN -No flowers.
FARANGS DRIVING TUK-TUKS- Thank Christ: Not experienced that one.
KHAO SAN ROAD-A place for the younger members of my family to ‘hang’ and avoid their old uncle and his ‘dad dancing.’
THE BROLLY BRIGADE-Very sensible just like their English counterparts.
View all comments by The Lurcher
re part 5
BARGIRLS’ MOBILE PHONES – It’s a status snobbery thing. They don’t understand why we don’t have the latest fad. Anyway I have brown tooth.
LARGE THAI SCHOOLBOYS IN SHORT TROUSERS- I thought it was a heavy metal fad of some sort.
MY FLEND NO HAVE DINK- I always respond by saying:”Because she not beautiful like you.”
THE GREEN GOO IN 7-ELEVEN SNACKS – Phlegm?
RESTAURANT STAFF PAID TO STARE AT CUSTOMERS – facial tics and spasms to see if you can make them laugh then give em a prison yard stare.
THAI GIRLS WHO SPOON-FEED THEIR FARANGS -I take it as a sign of respect…for my money.
SHOWER FETISHISTS- Oh and what is bath in Thai?
FARANG JOGGERS -Cunts
THE BEGGAR ON CRUTCHES – Who put him on crutches?
SLEEPERS Put the tip of your cigarette so the smoke is inhaled through her nostrils. It doesn’t harm if it is a joint and a hot rock drops inside her nostril.
View all comments by The Lurcher
re Part 4
THE PISS ARTISTS – I usually say- Excuse me. I can only deal with one dick at a time.
FARANGS WHO WEAR FACE MASKS-Cunts
THE 7-ELEVEN ICE DISPENSER – Christ man-You have done so many things in Thailand that I have never dreamed of.
TOURIST SURVEYS -Possible credit card scam.
KINGTEX CONDOMS -Just remind me of the oppurtune moments for condoms to break.
THE THAI IN FRONT OF ME AT THE SKYTRAIN COUNTER We buy our ‘hoi’ cards from shops beforehand.
THE ‘TAH CARP’ CENTIPEDE – depends how many you eat
MAI PED – effectively means “load the farangs food with chilli.”
THE SALES PITCH – I love these walking shops.
FARANG GIRLFRIENDS Cunts
View all comments by The Lurcher
the only things i really hate are the police checkpoints. April was glorious as all the coppers were nowhere to be seen.
View all comments by katechon
oh I forgot : i hate the English teachers I meet on my visa runs. I hate all of them: ugly, greedy, smelly and loud. Depressing.
View all comments by katechon
one thing that puzzles me: restaurants that give almost twice as much food when it’s a thai girl doing the buying/taking out. What? I look too well-fed?
View all comments by katechon
a girl told me a farang on a motorbike was beaten tonight on Soi Cowboy by a herd of Thai men. He was pissing blood and slept in front of Shebas for 40 min or so. Any witness?
View all comments by katechon
how much was your bar fine,did you keep your lady drink ticket as well
View all comments by geoff
“You’re really having a dick count?” I asked. “Yes. 50 per cent off all items,” she said with a smile.
Loved it! Just what I need on a Monday morning. Keep ‘em coming…
View all comments by OldFatBastard
Good list… Dead-on right…though “hate” may be a bit strong… More like, BKK things that make you go HUH???
I’d also add:
– The mindless whistle-blowing guards and parking attendants.
– The silly policy limiting the hours on alcohol sales, which pretty much only impacts falang because where most Thais buy ignore it.
– And maybe the Thai’s crazy take on supply and demand economics, meaning, when something isn’t selling, they tend to want to raise the price, figuring they’ll make more money that way instead. Ranks right up there with the well-known Thai appreciation of world geography…
View all comments by John C
How about adding “live gun fire” to the top of the list of things you hate about Bangkok
View all comments by 8 Ball
did anyone mention sidewalks yet?
Great stuff as usual On. Even the re-reads made me laugh.
View all comments by johno
re Part 3
THAI COUPLES – An odd phenonemon
THE GO-GO BAR CHANGE TRICK – I never give thousands if I can avoid it.
McDONALD’S -A walk through and fart place.
BACKPACKERS -Tee Hee
TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR AN INDIAN MEAL – A good way to get rid of some girls.
TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR A THAI MEAL – It brings out the Scopophilia in me. No. Not Coprophilia!
INSANE BUS DRIVERS – Some are women
THAIS AT THE DRINKS CABINET IN 7-ELEVENS- You are so observant.
THE PLASTIC BAG MOUNTAIN – But they are so useful. I save mine.
UP TO YOU – Yeah fuck that nonsense. It is just manipulative passive aggressive nonsense
View all comments by The Lurcher
SUN DODGERS- Maybe they know something we don’t.
UNOFFICIAL BUS STOPS- I didn’t know white people used buses unless they were soap dodgers from the Kao San road “livin with the people like you know.”
ALABS LIKE BIG MIL – ‘bik milk’ is label on some of the girl’s pics at the Comfort MP. Surely its direct translation. Less offensive than the Shanghai hospital where the gynaecology clinic has a sign, in English, saying “Cunt checking”
THE EDEN CLUB – Er not you apparently.
STRAWS -They have their uses.
THE JOBLESS BUT EMPLOYED- Yes bless em.
SEAFOOD PALACE RESTAURANT – I must try this place.
THE NANO-SECOND MENU CHOICE – Crack under pressure- I did not envisage you as a sensitive soul. I usually start by ordering beers I know they do not stock such as Kloster beer.
THE NEW 2-BAHT COIN – Coins? In Thailand?
ME GIVE YOU POWER – Offer them your coins. That will get rid of them.
View all comments by The Lurcher
FARANGS -Er..Yes. All around the UK but having less fun.
THE SISTERHOOD – Did it ruin your lesbian incest fantasies?
NON-SWEATING THAIS – freeze them with your AC in your room.
ME GO DANCE – Seems to be worse at some clubs than others.
THE TERMINALLY ILL WATCH SELLER- I saw somebody buy something off him once.
INDIAN TAILORS – Do they actually do the tailoring though?
THE THAI ZOMBIE WALK – Wow. You seem to have so much fun. I just look at pretty girls’arses.
7-ELEVEN’S BILL-PAYING SERVICE – I only go in them if i am stalking a pretty girl.
THE YELLOW PERIL – But sometimes they improve the standards of perversion.
re the hag at Thermaes. She hits on me too.
THE AIRPORT- I agree.
View all comments by The Lurcher
Did you mention the loo attendant who tries to massage your back when you are having a pee…? can’t remember, surely you did….
or the bargirl who having agreed to “do anal” produces a large dildo and says she thought you meant “do anal on you”….perhaps that is a less common occurrence.
View all comments by bassyfarang
PMMP: I don’t like anything about Bangkok, particularly being shot at.
The Lurcher: It took me nearly three years to produce those seven lists. You have done six in a few hours. The job’s yours.
Geoff: After barfining myself for long time, I sneaked off at 6am because I had to visit “my sister” who had suddenly taken ill.
JohnC: Whistle-happy parking attendants are in Part 6.
Bassyfarang: Yes, the piss artists were covered in Part 4.
View all comments by On Nutter
Hmm… OK article, but no explanation of where the wall that holds the sea in is located. I drew it in along the back half of my globe using red marker.
View all comments by Koko
Unofficial Bus stops, and official ones. Do Farangs take buses? Once buying an ice cream in Sala Daeng Svennsons, I thought screw it, I’ll eat it on the way back to the hotel. Once outside, I decided to sit on some steps and people-watch, but there werent any steps. Instead I loitered close to a bus-stop (back from the sidewalk out of people’s way) so I could slurp in peace. I drew some stares. One guy was particularly distracted and looked like he kept wanting to ask me something. The drift seemed to be…’you DO know this is a bus stop? What are you playing at, Falang?’
View all comments by Hunch644
THAIS IN GYMS:
1. The puny weights they use and never try to increase, therefore never changing their bodies. I thought this was the point?
2. The way they never, ever, do anything hard enough to break sweat. Again, I thought this was the point…
3. In particular, the woman at my condo gym who wraps up in a fucking hat and scarf and hogs the cross-trainer for an hour every night, going so slowly that she hardly breaks 50 calories at the end of it. What’s the point?
As a fellow farang gym goer once observed to me, there are only two types of Thai male bodies:
a) Really skinny, no muscle, in black jeans.
or
b) Fat, in slovenly T-shirt.
View all comments by bibblies
Great lists – have read them all a few times and still make me laugh. Just what I need stuck in my room because of the curfew. Look fwd to Part 8, thx
View all comments by ingo67
Just read again you Part 2.
The new 2bht coin – I think this nicely sums up this mad country. Was originally the same silver colour as the 1 bht coin, you needed a micrometer to tell the difference. Solution – write a “2″ with indeliable marker pen.
Now a nice bronze colour, not sure how blind people get on.
View all comments by ingo67
ROBERT – You Areshole. “No more stupid redshirts.” You must be happy to see men women and children butchered for wanting what we, on this forum, take for granted. Our army to defend out country – not shoot us and to have the right to change our government by voting not by bullets and bayonets and not be fucked by a fascist junta. You are a cunt.
View all comments by The Lurcher
Most sequels (movie and books) usually deteriorate in quality, but OnNutters lists are consistently a great read. Reminds me of another former Bangkok expat quipper, Phil Williams.
And the Lurcher also added equally funny reads.
These guys can’t be American . . . their sense of humor and use of irony are too well developed
View all comments by dj711us
So Lurcher’s a red-shirt? Watching from the sidelines, I thought they had democracy, were offered another early election this year (which they would have won) by the mild-mannered Abhisit who was (over?) patient with a group of people who took a protest too far, by barricading the equivalent of Oxford Street off for 6 weeks. I think the army only went in after they started throwing grenades, etc…
To link that back in with ‘things I hate about Bangkok’, I’d like to offer the way that Thais are so shit at compromising. The all-important ‘Face’ gets in the way. They’d won, got Abhisit to negotiate, to agree to a ton of demands, they had the next government in six months. No, not enough…
View all comments by bibblies
Has anyone ever seen Thais burn themselves?
I’ve seen 3 or 4 Thais burn themselves, accidentally, and it astonished me that they seem to have no clue what to do about this basic injury. None of them rushed to put the burn under cold running water. None of them applied ice or anything cold! They just sort of stood there holding their arms (or whatever was burnt), saying ‘Jep, jep’. A few applied cream. But didn’t apply any cold water. And ignored my advice to do so… WTF?! How can they not know to do this?
View all comments by bibblies