A Bangkok Trip Report Part 5 by The Lurcher

Posted by The Lurcher | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on April 4th, 2010

(The Bangkok Trip Report series by The Lurcher  is available here)

Saturday & Sunday: The Weakened.

It is great to wake up on holiday in Bangkok especially on Saturday. It is the start of the weekend. Well it is the start of the weekend in most parts of the world except where I live and work: The great sandpit, where Saturday is the first day of the Islamic working week and Wednesday is the start of the weekend which just does not feel right. The weather looked cool in streets outside.  I decided to go for a walkabout down Sukhumvit.

First I swallowed a fistful of pain killers, poured down a coffee made from a Sainsbury’s coffee bag, had a hit of Laphroaig then hit the street.  I passed the hotel travel agent which reminded of some unfulfilled chore, gave a big cheesy, smile to the lovely delicate reception staff then I was outside. I thought about having some Sai Krok or Sai Oua, the spicy Northern Thai sausage being cooked on a large steel plate near the construction site but decided against it in order to keep my appetite for some fish n ogling on Soi7.

From Soi 4 there are a couple of approaches to a Sukhumvit jaunt. One way is crossing Sukhumvit by the police box at the end of Soi 4 and turning right at Gulati tailors. I chose the other route, walking down Soi six past the building site where dusty Issan construction workers, male and female dressed in blue cotton work clothes and wearing straw hats mill around, then on past the Dynasty Grande on the right, after that, past another posh large hotel on the right, then next, not following Soi 6 round to the left and on to Sukhumvit but instead going straight on till the sub soi peters out passing the Kings Hotel on the left. There is a laundry on the corner opposite and Lolitas Blow Job Bar is nearby. Soi 8 is ahead and one can turn left onto Soi 8 and walk down to Sukhumvit.

I used to stay at the King’s hotel. It was, and presumably still is, a well organised, modestly priced hotel with an eclectic mix of characters there. It is a short time hotel in some respects and all the rooms have full length mirrors on the wall by the bed.  Some girls really like that and so do I.  Rough backpacker types stay there and there are also people who seem, by their shifty demeanour, to be on the run from something or other. It is the type of place you can have a second room away from your main hotel to take girls back to so your regular girl does not lose face. It has a cheap restaurant and there are lockers for valuables in the reception area which is staffed by a formidable Chinese matriarch and her extended family. The family know the routine and check your girls’ IDs and they always call your room when the girls are leaving to check everything is OK.

The last time I stayed there was when I had a fairly disastrous liaison with an incredible beauty from Spanky’s.   Wan was a young starfish and lethargic Bangkok shuffler of the first order but I could never really figure her out.  She was useless in bed, overly shy and a poor liar so it was unfortunate that I decided to book her out for a week and take her to Phuket, a place I had never been before. Although I had road tested her in bed and realised she was not very good she made up for it in terms of her sweet face and flawless body.  Just seeing her standing by the bed in her brief  cotton knickers, trying to hide her breasts was nearly enough to make me shoot my wad.  I presumed in my own arrogant way I could train her up to be successfully proficient in bed. She had smoky green eyes, an angelic boyish face, slim shoulders providing a slight frame for firm round breasts which arched upwards, she was a 32 C with nipples that were slightly in-growing until they were flicked, sucked and teased out and became erect which flustered and embarrassed her. I knew she had her doubts about going away with me and I knew the ‘sister’ she expressed worry about was, I am sure a boy friend either Farang or Thai. There was something else about her that was unsettling. Although she was apparently naïve and inexperienced she seemed to have been to a lot of places around Bangkok.

I took her to Soi Cowboy where she had certainly never been.  She was amazed at the antics of the girls doing the shows in Long Gun which she acknowledged were a far cry from the desultory dancers at her bar.  I bought her a skirt which she chose herself. It was modest in length but she thought it was too short and was too shy to wear it outside.  We ate Sooki out on the street near Thermae. She called me sugar mouth when I flattered her.  We kinda got on OK but the night before we were due to go to Phuket she really pissed me off. I have mentioned how shy she was and one example was when I suggested we had a bath she just did not get the idea, had a bath by her self and then got dressed inside the bathroom and came out fully dressed! Oh for fucks sake. Another time when I tried to get her to bathe me and or bathe with me I had no luck.

The night before we were due to fly to Phuket I had previously paid her bar fine for a week or five days or so.  Back at the King’s Hotel I entered the bath room where she was lying naked in the bath and I noticed a tampon string hanging out of her pussy.  I was pissed of but philosophical.  She went to the bedroom while I had a bath and mulled over the problem: she would just have to learn about anal sex, give better oral sex and become skilled with her hands: all things I could help her with as long as she was willing. When I left the bathroom and entered the bedroom she was curled up asleep. At that moment I flared with anger, dragged the sheets of her and threw her out of the room faster than you could say: ‘useless lazy cunt.’ I allowed her back into the hallway briefly to get dressed then threw her things at her and told her to go.  It was bad enough that she was on the rag and I had been cheated in that respect. She should not have agreed to my bar fining her for four days if she new she had the decorators in.  And she should not have fallen asleep or pretended to be asleep.  Either way I got rid of her. I was not proud of the way I had summarily dismissed her but I felt very aggrieved at what had happened.  I have mentioned the red dragon issue to a couple of bar girl friends and they always take their 4 days rag time as a holiday or sometimes work as service girls.

The day after I found her bits and bobs including contact lenses which were green and it was then I realised she did not have smoky green eyes but had green contact lenses.  I went to Phuket by myself and had a good time.  About a year later I called by Spanky’s and one of her friends recognised me. I did not get a good vibe and did not enter.  After that I started going to Pattaya or when in Bangkok going to Soi Cowboy. When, a long time later, I returned to NP the sign outside Spanky’s had changed from classic 1950s stylised neon to some harsh, vulgar LED style lighting affair. Mercifully she had gone and the whole place had changed, only marginally for the better.  It has since changed hands again and I have heard good things about it. My thoughts returned to the present and I moved on past Lolita’s, eyeing up the girls.   I have my reservations about Lolitas.

It is about 7 or 8 hundred baht for a quick blow job and a beer is about 100 baht.  So including a lady drink it is less than 1000 baht.  It is not the sordid nature of the environment that is off putting.  You go upstairs, sit on a sofa, a curtain is drawn round the sofa, as you get undressed, just keks down is enough, she goes to get a few tissues to rub your dick down then she gobbles you and you shoot in her mouth which is all well and good, especially if economy is important to you but there are three issues for me. The girls are not very pretty, the fake school uniforms are really naff and the idea of sticking my unrubbered dick into a recently used mouth is nearly as worrying as going bareback in a whore’s pussy. The two orifices are not that different and mouths potentially nurture as many infectious diseases as genitals. Drinking from a wet glass if you know what I mean. So I usually do not bother with Lolitas for these three reasons. But I am glad it is there.

Walking past Lolitas I turn right on to Soi 8 going as far as The Stable Lodge, a Thai Danish hotel which, at the weekend, does an  excellent  Smorgasbord replete with pickled herring, smoked pork and ham, smoked eel, salmon and the excellent though unusually pungent Danish cheese ‘Gamle Ole’. The latter, which I imagine, a leper’s suppurating cock would taste like.  The Smorgasbord had finished, about 3pm I think so I turned round to check out a new modern Spanish place which was advertising Tapas.  Although I was tempted I did not indulge and walked back down Soi 8 past Soi Lolita and took the next Soi left, where about less than five metres down there is an MP called Aviva Massage.  I walked up the narrow stairs to the reception of the MP and introduced my self to the Mamasan May or Praew.  I had a look through the photo book of the girls and then had a look at the girls themselves in the room opposite the reception desk. It will be of no great surprise that the reality of the girls is different from their photographs.  I did not choose a girl that day but took a business card from the mamasan and wrote down a couple of names of the more promising looking girls.  This is my routine and habit: to introduce myself, have a look around, take a business card and file it for future reference.

I left Soi 8, joined Sukhumvit and crossed over the footbridge stepping over the pitiful character with the oozing scabs on his leg.  Walked along Sukhumvit a bit then had a quick stroll down Soi Eden AKA Soi 7/1.  I, yet again, rebuffed the imprecations of the massage girls opposite  Absolute, (the last girl to blow me there, on my last holiday turned out to be a gatoey), went past The Star Hotel which I was to find out has short time rooms which I was to share for a couple of hours of sybaritic pleasure in a tequila fueled girl on girl session later on this holiday. I walked past the eponymous Eden Club, past the Ring fashion massage which I presume is a rimming joint: I mean it’s gotta be: The Ring – huh?  I looked in at the Magic Table, from where I was to acquire the two participants for the hours of lesbian fun later in the holiday.  I walked to the end of the Soi in an aimless way and then returned to Sukhumvit and on to Soi Seven. I looked at the shoes on the stall where I have bought excellent shoes in the past, popped my head into the pool hall and then sat down in the fish restaurants opposite the Bier garden, a well known poo ying pick up joint.  This sea food restaurant is an ideal location for watching the girls come and go in and out of the Bier garden.   A large variety of fish dishes are available from a group of restaurants all under one roof.  There is a shared area where you can sit and order dishes from any of the restaurants all which have colourful menus with photographs. I order spicy prawns, with a side dish of phak bung, morning glory and a large beer. This costs about 200-250baht.  Happily replete I crossed over into the beer garden, ordered a Leo beer and checked out a few girls, took a couple of numbers, two sisters but nothing took my fancy so I returned to Soi 4 keeping on the same side, the odd numbered side, all the way to the tailors opposite the police box then crossed over, walked past the garage and into the second chemist on the left to pick up some Cialis.  I took half of one, 10mg, as I had not had any since Thursday and the effects tend to last 36 hours. I usually buy my Cialis over the counter in the sand pit as I think purity and authenticity is more guaranteed.  I would never buy the stuff on the streets of Bangkok. Next time I may however, buy the cheaper Indian generic equivalent of Cialis, the active ingredient of which is Tadafil I think.  I never bother with Viagra or Kamagra anymore and consider Cialis far superior. I wandered back up Soi 4 and ended up in a bar on Soi Six again.

Apart from one girl I knew there was one other fit girl there but much to my dismay she was being courted by a Tom Girl!  I watched over the days as eventually this skinny Tom Girl, chatted up, wooed, courted, and seduced this pretty bar girl until they became a bit of an item. After some drinks and pool a new girl came in, we played pool a bit.  Behind her demure exterior, Neung, I was to find, had a keen sexuality. She had a simple frock, flat shoes and schoolgirl hair parted and held in place with a cheap plastic hair grip.  Her friend told me Neung was new, it was her first night and asked me if I wanted to take her. I did. So I paid the 500 baht bar fine and we went back to my room.  During the course of our fucking she changed from a demure girl into a wild tribal frenzied woman as she came twice.  First I wanked her with my hand through her knickers till she was wet.  Then we rolled around a bit as I bought her to the edge of orgasm with my hip then I sat her on my face till she sucked me off.  We retired to the bathroom. I watched from the bath and chatted as she had a shower.   When we went back to bed I soon got hard again and she got on top off me to fuck me.  I arched my back forming a full crab and she came and came with her hair soaked in sweat and her upper chest flushed with heat.  When her orgasms subsided she rested on top off me till after a few minutes I started twitching my cock inside her which set her off again like a wild jungle Akha girl.  After she came again she sucked me dry and then eventually we went back to the bar. Before we left the hotel room I gave her a fresh pair of cotton panties and a tip of 1500 baht.  I always have a simple selection of knickers in light pastel colours for my girls.  I buy them from Robinson or MnS depending where I am.  Leaving the hotel I passed the travel agent and remembered I was to go to Mai and Mae Hong Sot on this trip but had not booked my tickets yet. I left the hotel making a mental note to do so. Me, Neung, and her friend played pool for an hour or so then I departed to mooch around. It was about 9pm.

I ended up in the Hilary Bar and was soon talking to Miss Au who seemed friendly and relaxed.  She said a customer had introduced her to Martini recently. She asked me if I had ever tried it.  She said she had been to Spassos.  She asked me if I had ever been there. We chatted about this and that. She asked me if I had ever been to Soi Cowboy.  Well: Does the pope shit in the woods? Is the bear a Catholic? I acknowledged that I had heard of the place and thought I might know where it was. Apparently she wanted to go there so I paid her 500 baht bar fine.  She wanted to walk there!  I was surprised as Thai girls don’t usually like to walk but I went along with it.  We walked down Soi 4, past the police box, over the road and then turned right at the tailors passing Soi 3/1 Little Arabia and continued on.  Miss Au seemed genuinely interested in the street life as if it was all new to her.  We stopped for a drink at Check Inn 99.  I often pop in for a drink and a light snack or a heavy steak at this place.  Sometimes I sit at the bar and have a chat with the expats who are generally Scandinavian or British.

This is a dark, quiet, old style bar with lots of flowers, a waterfall, and twinkling fairy lights.  It is not cheap with the bottled Thai beer about 150baht, glasses of decent Australian wine at about the same price.  The Australian steaks, tenderloin and the like, come with ten different thick sauces such as brandy and cream sauce, béchamel sauce, etc and are about 400 baht to 550 depending on the size.   They do scallops a la 70s and snails in garlic butter.  In a way this place is frozen in time, the late sixties or early seventies and indeed the aged wrinkled Mamasan has a photograph of her as a young beauty with a very young Bob Hope, who was in the area supporting the troops in the Vietnam War.  The house girls, aged from 25 to 35 are modestly dressed and never hassle for lady drinks. Indeed they do not approach you until the Mamasan has confirmed that ‘You want company.’  If this place has one drawback it is the resident Filipino all girl band who play a tad too loud for my taste. I talked to one guy drinking there once, a Swede. He informed me that Check Inn 99 was linked to the Stable Lodge and both had their roots in Scandinavian Airways whose check inn desk was number 99, originally and that the aircrews had been major customers in the past.  That made sense and accounted for the excellent Smorgasbord  at The Stable Lodge. He also opined that the Thais had a special affection for the Brits. Reckoned the Brits had kept the Burmese so busy they, the Burmese, had less time to make trouble for Thailand.

That night with Miss Au we had drinks.  She a beer and I a wine and a beer.  I had Garlic bread with Snails in garlic.  We discussed whether snails were Hoi or not.  Miss Au did not eat and we left.  When I asked her what she thought of the place she replied: ‘Lomantic but Smerry.’ A cruel but accurate observation as it does pen and ink a bit. We caught a cab and I got a whiff of suspicion because as I ordered: ‘Soi Yi Sip Sam’ she simultaneously said to the driver: ‘Soi Yi Sip Et.’  I was confused about my lack of language skills but thought about it and I was correct as I wanted to approach the strip from behind. It was about an hour later I realised what had happened.

We got out and I thought we would start our bar crawl with Sheba’s which is one of my favourite Go Go bars. It always seems packed with a wide variety of girls of all shapes and sizes shades and colours with a lot of young fresh pussy there. There are some great sexy shows.  Around midnight when the Issan music plays the dancing girls and the service girls really dance with enthusiasm.  It is a great thing to see and hear. I have taken a couple of girls from Sheba’s over the years but it’s perhaps the one I didn’t take which is a more interesting story.

Some time back I requested the service girl to get a girl to sit with me, a young thing and new to the bar and maybe new to the role of bar girl.  The service girl told me she was young, shy and new but I wanted her.  However, after a while I sensed she was nervous and did not want to go with me so I let her know I understood. I told her she was a very pretty girl.  I told her she could go.  She seemed relieved that I accepted she would not go with me. She had made that clear.  The service girl offered me another girl but I explained I only wanted her, the new girl, number 86.  The service girl stressed she was very shy.  The next few nights whenever I was in the SC I called by Sheba’s and got the girl off the stage and chatted to her, bought her a drink and asked if I could bar fine her.  She always said no, seemed relieved that I did not take offence or make a fuss and kissed me daughterly on the cheek before she went to dance naked on the stage. Eventually the day came when I arrived at Sheba’s and she was not on the stage. I was told she was not working that night but I could tell from the board she had been bar fined but not by me.  Presumably by a young handsome man that she fancied and there you have it.  She exercised her choice and her choice was not me.  A lot of people, non Asia hands, people who are not players do not understand the bar girls and the independence they have.  Outsiders prefer to perceive the bar girls as people-smuggled victims of violent pimps at the mercies of unscrupulous sex tourists. I was mulling this over when I realised Miss Au was bored or even worse irritated by the whole scene of naked girls cavorting and generally sexing it up.  So we left and I asked if she wanted to go to another place.  I thought about Country Roads at the Asoke end of SC but as we made our way down the Soi Miss Au seemed to have an agenda of her own which did not include me. She headed for a hotel, on the corner of Asoke and Sukhumvit, a boutique hotel I believe.  It transpired she had been fucked there the night before by an Italian Twat, who had introduced her to Martini and taken her to Spassos and she had left her ID card at his place.  Call me over sensitive but this rankled me a bit.  So I walked back to Soi 4 with her in tow but not with her and when we got to Soi 4 I expressed my irritation at her as I believed she had just used me just to get her ID back. I told her to fuckoff.  It was like déjà vu as we were in almost the identical spot to where I had last dumped her.  The funny thing is this was to happen again before our relationship got on an even keel.

I headed into the plaza up the stairs to Hollywood. I shooed the service staff off my favourite table, sat down and was rapidly joined by Dao. Diminutive Dao: a big grin on her face, all smiles and hugs. She went back to her customer to say she had to go and came back to me. Her thong was tinier than a Somalian pirate’s eye patch, her buttocks firm and small.  I reached over to cup her buttocks and play with her nipples, rock hard nubbins on small 32A breasts. We had plenty of drinks and rubbed each other.  A guy tapped me on the shoulder and said I was lucky and asked me where I was from I replied Canadian to which he replied: ‘She’s a great girl thank fuck you aren’t American.’  I am not Canadian but when travelling, especially in Thailand I neither reveal my name nor nationality to people.

I passed a jolly hour or so with Dao and eventually paid her bar fine.  She was very grateful and expressed her thanks more than once. We walked down the Soi back to my hotel where she disported herself on the bed in a wanton way lying face down across the bed with no panties on showing her polished smooth pussy with a tiny, puckered, pink, brown, rosebud anus peeping out from inside tiny buttocks. After we showered I rimmed her till she whimpered then fucked her first with me on top then with her on top.  She is so light it is possible for me to do a full crab so she is nearly standing up. She talks and moans a bit too much when she comes or pretends to come so I shush her and put my hand over mouth gently prior to pumping upwards really hard and viciously nearly throwing her off me. After she has relaxed a bit and got her breath back she gives me a stop and starts a wank and blow job.  I have asked her if I can fuck her arse but she said:  ‘Oh doh!  I dever doo dat.’   We fall asleep together in a nice normal satiated slumber.

She gives me a hand job when we wake and then she usually leaves about 1pm leaving me to snooze.  I pay her 3000 baht.  I got up before sunset for a golden hour breakfast beer.  I chatted to the girls outside a bar on Soi six who were keeping their eye out for their boss who, they told me, does not like them to eat around the bar apparently, reckons the customers find it off putting.  He’s on a hidebound to nothing there I think, trying to stop a Thai girl grazing. I visited the four soi six bars, the Alex bar which has two pool tables and a relaxed atmosphere. The Bangcockney which seemed a bit too small for a pool table but the place seems convivial enough and one night when I went there was a party with free food.  I checked out the Jersey Pub where I played pool with a young Cambodian girl who had just had her tongue pierced and was regretting it as it hurt. I felt sorry for her and sorry for me as under other circumstances I would have bought a blow job. Then I went to the bar at the corner of Soi 6 and Soi 4. This is a more spacious bar than the previous two bars.  It has a modern interior design and it has a good pool table, some pretty girls and the back door leads out into a large pool hall.  The four or five bars on this strip make a nice mini bar crawl.

I called in at the Big Mango Bar for a Pie and a Pint.  The serving girl seemed puzzled by my order of just a single pie with gravy and went to confer with her farang boss who came and checked that indeed the order was correct.  The bar was quiet.  I could make no guess if any of the forum crowd were in or not.  There were some magazines to read including ones with things to do in Bangkok, reviews and the like.  The pie was good. Next time I am in Bangkok I will try the breakfasts at the Big Mango and maybe the free internet.

I decided to go and see Miss Au for a bit of sparring.   She was a bit angry and told me that her friends had seen me with a ‘sexy girl.’ I laughed and reminded her of her Italian liaison and her current line of work and to be honest she was a bit sheepish, a bit rueful. I have known some bar girls who will argue the toss that it is different if they fuck a different guy every night compared to us who go with bar girls.  We are butterflies but they are not. The logic is they are doing it for money!  They are working! Oh for fucks sake!  But Miss Au did not really pursue this line too strongly. We relaxed, had a nice chat and she told me more about some of her theories of life and various observations.  She expressed the opinion that Thai girls liked Farang men not just for their money but because they were more sexually reliable than Thai men.  By this it transpired she meant farang guys were less likely to experiment with homosexuality!  She thought that Thai guys were increasingly getting into other guys.  After a few drinks and  convivial intercourse I decided to take her somewhere posh.  We made our way to the World Trade Centre that I knew as Zen, and now seems to be known as The Centara Convention Centre Hotel. The latter is behind the big mall, perhaps now called Central World opposite Chitlom.  It is good to be in such a posh place with a posh looking girl like Miss Au. It is a bit of a horizontal maze.  I had to ask directions a few times.  Rich foreigners, Diplomatic types and their families abound. They get a prison yard stare from me: especially the little boys and girls.

I eat here, at Centara Grande at Central World, because it has a very high dining area, several in fact.  It does superb gourmet Euro cuisine at the restaurant named Fifty Five. Main dishes here are about 1500 – 200 baht with starters around 600 baht to 1000 baht. There is an excellent all night restaurant called The World, which is moderately priced, about 150 baht upwards and has food from all the main continents of the world.  But perhaps the most fun place is the Red Sky bar on the 55th floor next to ‘Fifty Five.’ The Red Sky bar is an exterior cantilevered bar high in the firmament. It has massive florescent arch lighting the sky. The large portions of Tapas type Dim Sum here are exquisite and about 400 baht to 800 baht and the martinis are rocket fuel.  There are a few other restaurants but these three are the most interesting to me.

We sat outside under the night sky and regarded world below. I ordered enough tapas for the both of us and ordered martinis for Miss Au and myself.  It soon transpired that she had never had real martini before.  The stuff the gay Italian twat had given her on Friday was vermouth which is a fortified granny’s wine made by a company called ‘Martini.’  The stuff we were drinking was basically pure vodka, with a teardrop of Angostura bitters, and a Roquefort stuffed olive on a stick.  The food arrived quickly but Miss Au demurred but managed another Martini or two.  She marveled in a child like way at the Martini’s potency.  I explained about James Bond and she was delighted.  I explained in my best Sean Connery accent that vermouth martini was a European lady boy and pederast drink. I did the James Bond theme tune for her and stuffed myself with course after course of food. Notable was the al güisqui, in this case shredded pork rib, compressed, with a gelatinous whiskey and juniper sauce. The Mejillones rellones style, hot stuffed mussels were superb.  There was also some excellent Chinese style crispy duck and some slow cooked beef Machada.  I think they do some special nights where you can eat and maybe drink as much as you like for a set price, like a happy food idea. I am not sure of the details. If you want to keep things cheap and cheerful the beers at the Red Sky bar are about 150 baht and food in The World Restaurant is not too expensive.

We left unsteadily at about midnight and made our way back to Hilary Bar for a few drinks and eventually made our way to my hotel. But all was not well with Miss Au.  She was pissed-staggering-beer bottle in hand- An awkward uncooperative drunk. Oh no!  Belligerent. Not pleasant. And oh fucking dread!  She suddenly veered off and made for the bars on Soi 6 and started chatting with the girls there, including the ones I had barfined!  As if she had known them all her life! The walls of the compartments of my relationships started to dissolve! I felt uncomfortable and set off to my hotel alone.  She caught up with me and started moaning at me.  I confiscated her bottle and told her to fuck off.  She followed me into the hotel for an argument but I told the security staff and reception staff she was not with me and was not to be allowed into hotel as far as I was concerned. I was irritated but calm and sober in demeanour. I departed upstairs to my room passing the hotel travel agent where I knew I had some business but could not remember what. I took my combo chemical cosh of tranquilisers, pain killers and sleeping pills and, as I relaxed in the bath, thought about what a great day it had been.

After, as I lay in bed, I thought about how great Bangkok is and how in any other country a row like the one I had just had would have had a negative impact on my internal harmony but not here: no, not here in the greatest city in the world:  not in Bangkok. In the background the melodic reggae hushed me to sleep with a smile on my face.

And I’m sure
No doctor can cure
Night nurse
Night nurse

To be continued
The Lurcher



51 Responses to “A Bangkok Trip Report Part 5 by The Lurcher”

  1. Maleo says:

    Once again a fucking brilliant read! Thanks Lurcher.. Will be there in a weeks time.. you have given me and a mate of mine enough hints ;-) , and places to go , to last us weeks! (3 days BKK, 7 days Phuket, 3 Days BKK)

    Great writing.. If you are still there , beers on me next week

    Still cracking up at ‘Lomantic but Smerry.’…

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  2. Professor says:

    Enjoyed the read, but you need to educate yourself on the difference between mouth and vagina in the receptiveness and management of bacteria.

    View all comments by Professor

  3. Flutterbye Boy says:

    So I need to know do these stories eventually end with you fuckin Ms Au???

    Good lord I’m rooting for you at this point!

    (granted I have a thing for the sophiciated ladies…)

    BTW check out the french toast at BMB… Great if you’re hungover… And they have maple syrup…

    Good lord it’s tough trying to explain what syrup is at other farang owned but thai staffed resturants…

    18 Coins in Pattaya on Soi Bukhao was my last failure… They do however have the best Club Sandwich in Thailand IMO….

    A side note was my last girl use to laugh cause I get a club where ever I go… Finally she said “why don’t they have a Go-Go Sandwich”

    and proceeded to laugh her ass off…

    Ohh how I miss her…

    View all comments by Flutterbye Boy

  4. doctorbond says:

    A great read (again!) I could almost feel those familiar suk paving slabs (wobbling) beneath my feet

    View all comments by doctorbond

  5. JFC says:

    Nice read…. a few updates….

    The Absolute Pub on Suk Soi 7/1 was renamed some months back and now is “Bangkok Beat,” but still has the same general vibe….

    The girls at Lolitas on Suk Soi 8, to the best of my knowledge, are perfectly fine to perform their service with the customer wearing a condom… I would imagine, more often than not, it’s the customer rather than the girl saying…mai ouw condom khrap….

    Also, sadly for many, the long-standing school girl uniforms at Lolitas BKK have given way to some kind of peculiar, and for me, ugly looking pink gown/dress usually worn over some other things….

    The school girl dresses of the past tended to make things better with some otherwise pretty ordinary looking girls. The new attire, I’m afraid, does absolutely nothing to enhance their natural appearance.

    View all comments by JFC

  6. The Lurcher says:

    Professor – thank you for taking the time to read my report and thanks for your comment but may I graciously differ?

    Three clap doctors in Thailand and The UK have explained to me that nearly all STDs can be communicated through whores’ mouth including anal warts, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Non-Specific Urethritis, Candida, Gonorrhoea, (of the throat and sexual organs) plus others diseases.

    Some working girls have a great exposure to excessive bacteria from so many different men: this can be a problem. Their use of mouth wash disinfectant that kills their natural bacteria can lead to fungal infections: this is a potential problem. Their run down, neglected bodies often caused by life style habits such as Meth, Yabba etc is also a potential problem. For these and other reasons we cannot assume that their mouths are a STD bacteria free zone. – I guess my point was also a matter of aesthetics. A dirty glass is a dirty glass. Finally one should bear in mind Vaginas don’t have sharp teeth.
    I did say in my report that I was glad the place was there but I myself am just a tad circumspect about oral sex in some circumstances.

    But anyway: thanks for your encouragement with regards to my pedagogic requirements.

    Bona valetudo melior est quam maximae divitiae.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  7. The Lurcher says:

    doctorbond – How kind.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  8. The Lurcher says:

    Flutterbye – Thanks for taking the time to read my report. R.e. maple syrup:Either you will have to get used to honey which is easy to get and local and good for you or travel with bottles or sachets of maple syrup.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  9. Dilligaf says:

    AFAIK, Check Inn Garden was named Check Inn 99 because that was the price of a lady drink. When they raised the price, they changed the name.

    View all comments by Dilligaf

  10. The Lurcher says:

    Dilligaf – I guess Check Inn 175 doesn’t have the same ring to it.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  11. The Lurcher says:

    JFC – Thanks for taking the time to read my report.
    Blowjob with a condom. Can’t see the point but take your point.
    Oh. So now Absolut pub is Bangkok Beat. This would explain my confusion.
    Yes I agree about the wardrobe at Lolita’s: the nylon nightie is a turn off.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  12. Scampering Jack Wilshere says:

    Excellent bit. Funny that you spend so much time throwing bar girls OUT of your hotel room. Quite the opposite form most of the other reports.

    Is the sandpit really that bad? I’d assume the lads there have to get some at some point or another? Not that I’ve been there, I’ve only traveled in Europe and SE Asia, but I would think that market forces being what they are, and men being what we are, even in the sandpit there would be options.

    View all comments by Scampering Jack Wilshere

  13. John Brown says:

    You took a bar whore to Central World !? She was “posh looking” !?

    You’ve got a lot to learn…

    View all comments by John Brown

  14. Scampering Jack Wilshere says:

    @ Lurcher – wow, that bad? I’ll take your word for it. The Diane Arbus reference shows that you’re not just a man of taste for music (previously noted by Your Author), but of photography as well.

    And really, the gay scene informs on the breeders? What treachery we live in. The sandpit sounds like a rough place to live. Thanks be to Odin there is BKK for your power relaxing.

    View all comments by Scampering Jack Wilshere

  15. geoff says:

    you had a fantastic long walk.good read reminds on when i was in bkk in early march.miss it allready.be back again soon

    View all comments by geoff

  16. Wombat says:

    Vaginas not having teeth? I have encountered several that felt so warm & good only to discover later were armed withn a full set of teeth made from cold hard steel.

    View all comments by Wombat

  17. I Phukit says:

    You lost me at “I always have a simple selection of knickers in light pastel colours for my girls.”

    A good read otherwise

    View all comments by I Phukit

  18. Ring says:

    I agree with you about Lolita’s but I wonder why you then rim a bar girl and munch her box. Yea, I know, it seems like a clean glass.

    View all comments by Ring

  19. Pants Elk says:

    “… crossed over the footbridge stepping over the pitiful character with the oozing scabs on his leg.”

    Bangkok Bad Boy told me you ignored his requests for ten baht. “I used to be someone in this town,” he said bitterly, “had me own blog, everything. Now these fookin’ smeg-heads don’t even look at me. Cunts.” I dropped a folded thousand-baht note into his paper cup, shook off his feeble grasp on my trouser cuff, and walked on, hearing his hoarse voice cracking into a sob; “I got me own bridge, the fuckers, it’s my fookin’ bridge, innit …”

    Please, readers, give as I gave. Bangkok can reduce the strongest among us to buggery and beggary, and those that judge them too harshly may one day find themselves flicking scabs off an overpass like Mr. Boy.

    (A good read, Lurch. Today I dined on seafood fried rice with a fried egg on top. Delicious. 35 baths.)

    View all comments by Pants Elk

  20. Bangkok Bad Boy says:

    Poor Mr. Elk, now in his autumn years, seems to have deteriorated to the point where he is now so easily confused as to be incapable of correctly remembering even the most basic of facts.

    For it was in fact himself lying on that bridge, sprawled out like an aged, dying moth, selling scabs from a paper cup to pay for his eel stall rent arrears. “Just ten baths per clot, please…”, he whimpered as I passed, gingerly treading around the pooled pus emanating from the oozing sores that now litter his feeble form – evidence of the long, hard, desperate crawl to the confusing metropolis of Bangkok from his humble Issan home.

    So perplexed was the poor cripple by the wonders of the capital – cars, smog, running water, electricity, colours – that he only went up the bridge because he thought it was a children’s slide. These are, of course, the only things with actual steps to be found in the whole of Issan.

    Unable to find a flat, angled surface down which to woosh, he has resorted to selling coagulated scabs – some plucked from the inside of his own knees, but most of them painstakingly hand-peeled from the pavement outside the red shirt protest the other week.

    “I used to be funny”, he sighed, to nobody in particular.

    I nodded wistfully, and walked on.

    PS. Cracking good read Mr Lurcher. I too did a double-take at “I always have a simple selection of knickers in light pastel colours for my girls” though. Why?!

    View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy

  21. The Lurcher says:

    John Brown – I could go by my self as indeed I do sometimes. I could go with a guy. Thanks no. So, sometimes I go with a pretty girl whose company I enjoy. What’s to learn? I enjoy fine wining and dining with attractive women. Thanks for taking the time to read my report and your comment and thanks for you concern regarding my education. I must do better in the future.

    geoff – Thanks

    Wombat – Yes I think I had the same bad acid.

    I Phukit – I am sorry if I lost you but I will explain the panties gambit below in answer to Bangkok Bad Boy. Thanks for your input.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  22. The Lurcher says:

    Ring – I always give the girl an anal soapy finger fuck in the shower before rimming her but yes you have a point. I guess my only excuse for such diffidence combined with lewd libertine behaviour is that I, like many of us, is a person of contradictions and in my own Thai way can hold two mutually contradictory views at the same time. Thanks for you input and comment.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  23. The Lurcher says:

    Pants Elk – Thanks for your positive input and humorous aside regarding the plight of your homeless associate on the bridge . Although I enjoy fine food I am equally at home with more humble fare and indeed will be giving some street food a mention in my next report. These are holiday reports and reflect my indulgences. The worst meal I ever had was on the Siachen Glacier in Kashmir: dried dandelion leaves with weavels . It was all the chowkidar had to share.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  24. KM Butterfly says:

    I don’t know how I came to this website but it was a very nice read and I will be in Bangkok end of May. Ya gotta love it, especially when you see the family man who brings his family to Thailand and sees you and you can instantly see that he wants to trade shoes with you (ditch the bratty kids and nagging wife with her crazy ass) even if it’s just for a moment. Hahahaha priceless. But on another note I have never bar fined a girl who before we get back to the room everything is cool, but then magically her period is on and now she tells me. (hasn’t happended yet, and I hope it never does… but eventually I know it will)

    View all comments by KM Butterfly

  25. The Lurcher says:

    Bangkok Bad Boy – thanks for taking the time to read my report and your information regarding the plight of your Eel farming friend. I am not surprised that his business is unsuccessful. I have found eels to make poor pets, difficult to train, unresponsive to fetching sticks and unsatisfactory at protecting property. But I wish him all the best in his entrepreneurial endeavours. I have some spare slime I could lend him if you think that might help.

    Regarding having spare fresh panties for girls to give as gifts: I thought we all did!
    The reasons are as follows: I like seeing pretty girls squirm in and out of underwear. I thought we all did. They are a very cheap gift to give away. They are sexy. I like giving cheap sexy gifts to girls. I thought we all did. I run my fingers around the waist and the legs to check they fit OK. I thought we all did. I check the material is soft and comfy by gently rubbing my hands around the back and front. I thought we all did. I invite her to compare them to another pair involving more sensual squirming. I thought we all did. I like to observe the girl’s posture as she pulls and pushes the light material over her taught thighs. I thought we all did. I like to observe the final snap of elastic around the hips combined with a double tip toe heels off ground girly jump. I thought we all did. The girl often needs a fresh pair especially if we like them to sit on our face. I thought we all did. It seems to make girls happy and I like to see my girls happy. Apart from that I can’t think of many more reasons to have spare clean fresh underwear for girls. Oh yes I can: The buying of the underwear. But that is a another story I guess.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  26. The Lurcher says:

    KM Butterfly – regarding the encumbered guys- yes it is a treat to feel their envy.
    Regarding the reds playing at home. It has happened to me a few times. The thing that irritated me this time was her sleeping so she could not give me other sexual pleasures. And it wasn’t just one night. I had booked her for four days just about the length of a red moon cycle. Thanks for your comment. Have a good trip.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  27. Pants Elk says:

    BBB’s kneejerk denial, and hasty fabrication of “the real story” to save face, is so transparent as to inspire pity in any reader. I’m afraid the runaway success of my eel farming venture (to the point where I can blow 30, 35 baths on a meal without a second thought) can only throw his own sad decline into sharper relief. I urge all visitors to Bangkok to refrain from kicking his pustulent posterior down the steps into the gutter where it belongs, out of simple human charity.

    (As to panties, Penfold keeps a collection of soiled ones, but these are mens’ undergarments he steals from the gym.)

    View all comments by Pants Elk

  28. doctorbond says:

    I like to see Pants and BBB slugging it out… I thought we all did.

    View all comments by doctorbond

  29. Pants Elk says:

    With a bit of support, “I thought we all did” could join “Quality Fabrics” in the Bangkok Book of Catchphrases.

    Am I the only reader to don the garb of an 18th century nobleman and fop to read Lurcher’s finely-worded screeds? The flourish of a lace ‘kerchief from a brocade cuff to stifle an importunate guffaw, a monocle screwed into a powdered visage, a schooner of Madeira … these seem the natural accoutrements to a full appreciation of The Master’s refined prosody, methinks. Larrikins! But he sets the blog on a roar with his tumultuous escapades!

    View all comments by Pants Elk

  30. ROLLN says:

    “I always have a simple selection of knickers in light pastel colours for my girls.” I think I like this idea…
    The Gstring like a Somali pirate eye patch. Thats brilliant…

    Im gonna take a wild/eduacted guess and say you were staying at the Dyansty Grande?

    View all comments by ROLLN

  31. Hunch644 says:

    ‘but I’m glad its there’ – how utterly English. I can imagine Winston Churchill summing up Lolitas thus.

    BTW Has anyone ever given those farang beggars any money? (The ones with the suitcase and the scribbled tale of woe – fucking great sight, always makes me chuckle)

    View all comments by Hunch644

  32. bassyfarang says:

    Paying bar for an extended period in advance, then whisking your hired maiden to a distant tropical island is a risky endeavour. Like a public sector employee, a dose of complacency, lethargy, and even resentment at having to undertake anything that vaguely resembles work, can creep in once your lovely thinks she has a contract that is non-terminable.

    Garn (a stunning show-girl) on arrival at our 7k a night sex palace on the island of Samui (following a long trip from Pattaya) announced nonchalantly she was now uncertain that she was comfortable having sex with someone she did not know that well (we had had pretty full-on sex three nights in a row previously) and would not be sleeping with me for the remaining 7 days for which she had been barfined.

    My solution was to announce that I too had developed a sudden and curiously conservative approach to all matters sexual and felt uncomfortable being with a hooker on such a fine island paradise. I would be leaving to return to Pattaya at 8.00 in the morning the next day and she was to find her own way home. That is unless she wanted to continue the reservation and pay for the room, which had the advantage of allowing her to use the return ticket I had bought her which was for a plane due to depart in 7 days. She looked very pale indeed as she ran after my taxi the next morning as I made my ostentatious departure.

    I later learnt she had to find cheap board for 2 days until a previous customer wired her the money for a return flight. I arranged to meet her a few days later on learning of her return to Pattaya so that I could pay her airfare to her directly and apologise in person for deserting her. She made increasingly irrate phone calls when she realised that she had fallen for what was a sham rendesvous twice in two consecutive nights, even waiting over two hours on the second staged pay-off after I texted her to say I was on my way but was caught in heavy Pattaya 2.am traffic (silly girl). Her numerous and venomous death threats never transpired into actually hiring a hit man (or at least a very good one as I am still going strong).

    Oh, the chances of catching an STD via oral sex are vertually zero, I understand from speaking to more than one doctor at the Mortimer Market Clinic in London.

    Very interesting submission.

    View all comments by bassyfarang

  33. Pants Elk says:

    Time for some expert opinion, methinks:
    http://std.about.com/od/riskfactorsforstds/a/oralsexsafesex.htm

    “Syphilis is extremely easy to transmit via oral sex.”

    “It is possible to spread HPV through oral sex, and it is in fact thought that HPV acquired while performing oral sex is a major risk factor for throat cancer.”

    “it is possible to transmit chlamydia during fellatio, and both the recipient and the person performing the act are at risk.”

    “Gonorrhea can be transmitted in both directions when oral sex is performed on a man”

    “Herpes I, Herpes II and Chlamydia are the most common diseases passed on through oral sex.”

    “it is possible to transmit herpes during oral sex, and the virus can spread from either partner.” – etc., etc.

    Obviously, it’s a risk, if less of a risk than say, getting a ride from a ya-baa’d up motosai driver. How close the risk is to zero will be difficult for you to tell at the time. It’s up to you, as always.

    View all comments by Pants Elk

  34. The Lurcher says:

    ROLLN – thanks for your imput. No the hotel was the sister hotel of the DG the Dawin I believe but I won’t be staying there again. A ternary fuelled by Japanese pornography, powders and tequila led to me being exposed in more ways than one. It’s in a coming trip report. I welcome any advice on hotels though.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  35. The Lurcher says:

    Hunch644 – “how utterly English. I can imagine Winston Churchill summing up Lolitas thus.”

    Good lord my dear old fellow! Is my nationality that obvious?

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  36. The Lurcher says:

    bassyfarang – Interesting comment thanks. Nice story. You seem to box a bit more clever than me. re STDs and oral sex. There seems to be different views.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  37. Maz says:

    i prefer not to think about such things when boothing it at lolita’s.

    i am having trouble of late in actually getting what i paid for….i scope the joint for quiet times but just cant seem to quite time it right, there’s invariably some loud yank (and while i love yanks, its not all that uncommon that they can be rather loud!) or white trash aussie making too much noise (and hey..im aussie…just not white trash obviously).

    The last time i was in there, i swear James May was in the booth next to me. “oh jolly good my dear….oh yes….splendid…oh thats hitting the spot young lady….yes outstanding outstanding” all in the highly amusing upper crust english accent. “fuck sake man im trying to blow here” was all i could manage to call out for him to shut up. becoming a waste of 700baht, i just cant “perform” and seem to be getting too many cases of stage fright of late, 2 x cialis included.

    View all comments by Maz

  38. The Lurcher says:

    Maz – Oh so it was you shouting at me. Good Lord old chap. What a coincidence!

    When I can’t perform I just wank into the girls mouth.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  39. Maz says:

    haha…
    it is highly likely we’ve crossed paths anway, i spend my days around soi 6 (crown sukhumvit), soi 4, soi 8 bar and also dine at the seafood joint opposite the garten.
    alas, not often enough though.

    View all comments by Maz

  40. ROLLN says:

    “the sister hotel of the GD the Dawin” “I welcome any advice on hotels though.” The GD is not bad but i think lil bit over priced. The Dawin is clean, and nice, the rooms a bit small though. Depending on how central you need to be.
    Sometimes I stay at a place by Ratchetewi bts called the Evergreen, Down a tiny soi on the left hand side of Phaya Thai going away from mbk before the ratchatewi bts. A service apt thats reasonable. There pretty cool downstairs and wont ask girls for ID’s unless you tell them to… http://www.evergreenplaceapartment.com/

    View all comments by ROLLN

  41. rope-a-dope says:

    @maz…”fuck sake man im trying to blow here”

    You said that with your mouth full? You aussies aye? :-)

    View all comments by rope-a-dope

  42. Daywalker says:

    YP….

    I do recall someone in the next cubicle giving instructions to the poor Dyson. Something about bending and contorting legs in painful positions.

    The weird perv had his size 9′s poking out of the curtain which just begged me to stand on as I walked by.

    - hope that didn’t hurt your feet by the way

    :mrgreen:

    View all comments by Daywalker

  43. The Man says:

    Lets see if I can condense this a little for the Lurcher. I arrived in BKK on 4 June 1968 Checked into the Siam Inter Continental, the old proper section. Had a nice lunch with the swells, then to the bar for what was at that time a real drink.Went off to Patpong, there was no other place at the time, picked up Miss Kat at Thai Heaven for 11 dollars and proceeded to Nicks #1 the best place to eat at the time unless you wanted to put up with some of that, phoo phoo French crap, then off to consume as much liquid gold as we could find. Got tied up with some expat driving a convertible and his honey and drove around BKK at break neck speed stopping at any place that looked like they might have booze. Come around 5 in the AM headed off to the Siam only to be informed that Miss Kat would not be allowed in, becoming highly piss off, I checked out, and Miss Kat and I found other digs. Thankfully I have never seen Miss Kat again, but to sum up, lived high on the hog, picked up a winner, ate at the best BKK had to offer at the time, got laid, blown, washed and rested. Gee, guess what, It didn’t take 5 issues.

    View all comments by The Man

  44. Pants Elk says:

    Lets see if I can condense this a little for “The Man”:

    “Arr. BKK 4 June 1968 Checked into Siam Inter Continental. Lunch, drink. Picked up whore at Patpong, 11 bucks. Ate at Nicks #1. Drove around BKK with ex-pat trying to find a bar. 5am whore refused entry at Siam, but shagged her somewhere else.”

    It’s not what you do at Bangkok that’s important, or even interesting, it’s how you tell the tale, and shorter and quicker, as in other areas of life, is not necessarily better.

    View all comments by Pants Elk

  45. The Lurcher says:

    The Man – Your effortless brevity is noted.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  46. verxin says:

    I am going to bkk next month and i am a bit green about all this. How do you enquire if th girl is amenable to anal sex ( I know you can ask straight but is english understood well enough toa void misunderstandings?)
    Thanks

    View all comments by verxin

  47. The Lurcher says:

    verxin -start by sticking your finger up her arse. Most girls do anal at the Tulip. Good Luck.

    View all comments by The Lurcher

  48. CATTOC says:

    Checkinn99… what a great place… Lurcher.. I actually am amazed by that Philippine band.. if you are after a quiet beer …totally agree with you. But if you want a night of real traditional entertainment… these girls are it. The place has new owners… the old Danish guys from stable lodge wanted to close it. quite a time warp.. but Bangkok has something for everyone.

    View all comments by CATTOC

  49. Pallodium says:

    Checkinn99 is a great place to go to if you feel like traveling back in time to the 1970s (which I do!) Talked with the current owner and he explained how they have a system where everybody who works there gets a piece of the pie (the profit)….apparently the band gets 20%. It’s not crowded most nights but they seem to have a party about once a week (poster outside bar tells you when the next one is). I don’t usually like parties, but the night I went it was a very good time with the girls body painted to look like animals…..first time I ever felt tempted by a zebra…..I will always check it out when I’m in Bangkok. Pun intended ;)

    View all comments by Pallodium

  50. James says:

    Hi Pall.. I agree with you … Checkinn99 is an amazing place, the parties are just great .. but that band is incredible… -I was also there the night the French artist painted the Zebra and the Tiger… wow. It is a wierd place that you can come with your wife or as Lurch says can have some really nice looking girls sit with you- but only asking through the Mamasan (she was Bob Hopes girlfriend)…

    I also heard about the profit share with the staff!… smart and quite unique if you want to motivate everyone. Great atmosphere and they deserve it.

    The band have learnt a whole lot of Aussie Rock songs… (apparently done specially for the owners birthday).. and Lurch has tried things on the menu I havent dared,,, I just cant move away from the great steaks. It is not a silver service diner.. but great food. I saw they have opened up a new basement lounge – really great idea and is a quiet retreat..with really comfy leather lounges.. they have large 60 inch flat screen with the band – but it is quiet there and the girls will come down with you !! The owners wife Mook is a Thai Police Captain and she is there most nights and many of her lovely mates come for entertainment so be careful of the Glock if you take one home! I hear they have no problems with the bagmen. Some nights the place is packed – other times only half full. I cant understand why it isnt overlfowing each night with the quality of entertainment. take care….

    View all comments by James

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