Big Mango Bar
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Some Ramblings From My Last Visit by Doctor Bond

Posted by doctorbond | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on November 5th, 2009

Some ramblings from my last visit…

Two costs twice as much as one

It never pays to be a gentleman. Werewolf and On Nutter accompanied me to the infamous Connections Bar on soi 22. (quick message to the bar – put in some seating other than stools and I’ll be back) Werewolf, a regular, attracted a Pneumatic Beauty. OnNutter was cornered by a Short-But-Fun type and I got the only girl in the bar who had formally been a librarian. Dull-Girl was… well dull. Her body was sort of dumpy and she didn’t smile much – in fact possibly not at all.

Anyway, what did it matter? – at our next bar stop up the road I made friends with the gorgeous ‘Cleopatra’ – a big improvement on Dull girl. Werewolf offered her English tuition and I think she was hoping I’d pay for French lessons. We moved on again and on the way back passed by the Connection Bar again. I was up for one more drink. The girls had all gathered outside. As I went back into the bar I was automatically followed by Dull Girl but thankfully also by Pneumatic Beauty Girl. So there I was sitting between them thinking…. You know a BJ would seal the evening nicely… when asked by the cashier who I would like to take behind the curtain I just couldn’t bring myself to say Pneumatic Girl and hurt Dull Girls feelings – so I indicated I wanted both of them – little did I know there was a barfine for each and it soon became evident that the total for this minor escapade would be 2,000 Baht – I tried to barter, but on this occasion I was unsuccessful and so, as they say on ‘The Weakest Link’, I left with nothing.

Hair tonic

Cowboy, one Friday evening. There I was, minding my own business having a quiet drink and chat with some of the kokosphere’s finest outside the Shark bar and who should pitch up but Young Penfold (‘pitch’ being an appropriate term). After trying to burst some balloons and hurting his knuckles in the process (how gay is that?) he whips out his hair gel – never travels without it – and decides to ‘yoof me up’ As his fingers work the gel into my scalp, he tells us all of his adventures earlier in the day…. all about finger fucking one deserving girl while fisting another – it suddenly occurs to me to ask him… did you wash your hands? He looked amused by the question and assured me it was a ‘good question’ – Needless to say, a gallon or two of shampoo was used once I got back to my hotel.

Still life

I’m a bit of a keen photographer so I will happily photograph anything that looks a bit arty… but hey, naked and near naked girls are arty too right? So I contacted my friend of a few years and persuaded her to model for me in exchange for a slap up dinner. After checking in we went up to the room, moved a bit of furniture, rigged up camera and tripod and divested her of some clothes… just ready to fire the first shots when there was a knock at the door… ‒housekeeping” – Bugger !!!…. Model runs into the bathroom and turns on a tap (wtf? …she’s seen too many spy movies). I run after her and thrust camera and tripod into her hands then rush back into the room to put the furniture back – I’m wearing what I call ‘leisure trousers’ to give me the freedom to move about but they have a habit of showing up a stiffy quite readily.. and I was in possession of one. So with one hand guarding this area, I answer the door – hey it’s a complimentary bowl of fruit !!! – 20 Baht later ‘housekeeping’ has backed out of the room, the door has clicked shut and a spooked and near naked gal emerges cautiously from the bathroom.

Here are a couple of photos – no, not of the fruit-bowl….

It’s just a light drizzle…

Had a great Stag party at the Mango – met a few new people and cemented a few that I had ‘half-known’ before. Also learnt my lesson from the party back in May and got my plate piled high with food early on. As usual pmmp put on a great show and the girls were all charming as ever except one, who shall remain nameless, who seemed to think it was inappropriate of me to visit a bar now that I was a married man. As much as I tried to engage her in chit-chat she seemed most reluctant despite being one of the more friendly ones at my last bash. Still she was made up for by another who, from 11 O’clock onwards, was dry humping me every five minutes. I was pretty out of it by closing time. A passing monsoon was dropping its load on Bangkok and as I walked back from the bar with the cocktail umbrella pmmp had lent me I noticed that the pavements were empty and that water was leaping up from them. A familiar cry was heard as I was passing Thermae…. ‒hey mister where you from?…” at that moment I thought about Churchill, Noel Coward, about mad dogs and Englishmen… and also that I was pretty much the only person walking down Sukhumvit in a monsoon at that particular moment… I called out… with emphasis…. ‒I’m British !!!… ‒

Sir Yes Sir

The daytime security guard at my regular hotel salutes guests – nothing too unusual here I suppose, but this one does it with pleasure and meaning. It’s always a sharp snappy salute – the speed and precision of it makes you think that either his arm is going to fall off or he is going to cleave a ridge in his smart peaked cap. I caught him unawares the other day, cap off and feet up on the desk. The minute he saw me he scrambled to his feet, put his cap squarely on his head and snapped out another crisp salute. This endears him to me – I have been saluted by doormen and security guards all over Bangkok and they all manage to convey a certain ‘fuck-you’ as they deliver their salute. Not this guy, he prides himself on snapping to attention. On one of my visits last year I began stopping and saluting him back – at first I was concerned that he would think that I was taking the piss but I wasn’t – it’s a bit like an over-enthusiastic wai, this guy makes you want to respond. We were so pally after a while that I slipped him 500 Baht on my penultimate day. The next morning as my car arrived he was snapping that salute nine to the dozen… his arm was a blur. So of course the minute he saw me again on this trip he reserved all his very best moves for me – that chest was as puffed out as far it could be, that salute was as crisp as ever. Another 500 Baht was pressed in his palm on the day I left – I think this relationship will last forever.

And Finally…..

They say anything is possible in Bangkok – just ask the mango bar regular who has decided to take part in a ‘hair-growing competition’ – it just doesn’t get any more exciting than that….