Making Plans – Part 1 by Young Penfold
Posted by Young Penfold | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on December 9th, 2008
You know your emotionally fucked when you cry during the anthem at the Thai cinema. To happen twice in a week is pretty shocking. I’d been through a messy split with my GF, and decided to take a Sangsom bottle and a packet of blue tablets to my liver and willy.
It was hard waving goodbye to a year long relationship, but even harder when I found out she had fallen into the arms of a fucking German. This was the final straw. Enough to send any Englishman into a booze fueled storm. Time to take a breather and get out of BKK…… Time to call home. Time to call Mother
“You will be coming home FOR GOOD wont you” she queried
“Yes” I lied
“Good – Let me grab my Visa, and get you the first plane home”
Even as my dear mother was giving me her card details over the phone to book a flight home, I was already plotting my cum-splattered return.
TICKETS – Ebookers.com always does me. Ive booked with them maybe 4-5 times in the past and found them the best for price and options. Took a few minutes out from downloading Ladyboy Bukkake and thatsphucked.com to see what they had going on. One-wayers for early Jan…..
£305 would get me a one-wayer with the might JET AIR, vis Doha. A friend of mine who is a famously stingy bastard has flown with them before and said they were awful. Said the plane smelt like a Balti house in East Luton. Pass
£495 direct with Thai Air. Fuck Thai Air. Flew with them last time and they were fucking pants. Flight was 3hours late taking off, I had no IFE, was served food a tapeworm wouldn’t scoff, and was sat next to an ugly barwhore who had an even uglier personality. She had 2 hurrensously ugly children in tow, who didn’t stop moaning in their ugly voices the whole flight. An ugly experience all round.
£365 for Gulf Air via some place full of camels and sand somewhere. My mom has staunch views on me flying with an airline, and I quote ‘What? my only son flying an airline run by Arab cunts? They can go fuck themselves’ So thats Gulf Air out the window. Shame
£380 direct with EVA Air. Taiweanese by all accounts. If the plane quality is anything like the 3rd rate Xmas toys made there, we’d be lucky to get off the runway in 1 piece. A close friend is a business travel manager and he said EVA are a worthy airline with good rep. 930pm departure and a 4pm arrival. If I don’t get busted for smuggling smack in my anus at customs, I could be sipping a Spy Wine Cooler, while being cowgirled in a Ratchada soapie come 6pm. Taiwanese stewardesses to ogle, drunkenly grope, tug over in the toilet and get slapped in the face by? Think we have a winner
Was shopping in my local town for scented bathroom candles and skin creme, and decided to see what The Flight Centre had to offer. A fat-man with a pastel light blue shirt and over-active sweat glands, quoted me £550 for the EVA flight. Nice try. A brief conversation and half a litre of sweat later, he agreed to beat the ebookers price by a whole British Pound. Can you say SAVING?
Handed over the plastic and shes all booked.
SPREADING THE SEED – In the 18months or so I’ve lived in Thailand, I havent really seen much outside Bangkok:
Pattaya (shit beach, shit clientele, shit clubs, shithole)
Phuket (rip-off, but good whores)
Koh Samui (cool beach, but full of fags)
Nakon Sri Thammarat (absolute shit but…… nothing. Its shit.)
This is poor form, so have made it my mission to make more of an effort to spread my ungodly muck across Amazing Thailand.
Logged on to Airasia.com to see what they had going on. The biggest problem I have about the site, is not the sneaky and slightly cuntish taxes they scoop on, but which of the 4 babes on the first screen Id rather have stark bollock naked, feet and hands bound, cleaning blood and bits of shredded hemen off my white, tiled bathroom floor with a toothbrush in her mouth. The last girl on the left with huge tits. Everytime.
At the time, they had a load of the ‘9 baht flights’ for sale. My main gripe with these are the ‘cuntish taxes’, and the gay and unsociable times these flights are at. Saying that, managed to snap up a one-wayer to Chiang Rai, around midday for 860baht all in, and a one wayer from Chiang Mai to Bangkok a week later for the same. Im good at this bargain shit.
Chiang Rai – I’ve hung out a few times with a Bangkok girl who goes to Uni in the Rai. Shes totally hot, a big time stoner, and is well up for a shot at the champ. For 1 reason or another, I have yet to actually seal the deal. All I have to do is ply her with cheap Thai whisky, even cheaper Thai herb, and I should be splitting the weasel in record time.
From my limited research there is fuck all nightlife to really speak of in CR. From limited research online, Ive heard of bars called LOBO and PatPong Bar which hardly fill me with confidence, although a nightclub called WOMB I could really dig. Vague reports of a ’soapie’ in The Wiang Inn need to be confirmed too.
After 2-3 days of hopefully wearing Lil’ Miss Stoners thighs as earmuffs, and experiencing ChiangRais breath-taking scenery through the window of an air conditioned bar, im gonna get the VIP (very important penfold) bus to Chiang Mai
Chiang Mai – Not that sure of my plans yet. I got a few female contacts in Chiang Mai awaiting my arrival to show me around. Both are smoking hot uni girls, both single, and both way, way out of EVEN my league sadly.
The tentative plan is to hit the California gym in the morning, a soapie for lunch, find a Muay Thai gym to hit the pads at say 5ish, then Ill be set for some SangSom soaked debauchery by sundown. After I inevitably fuck things up by boozily (is that even a word?) groping my leggy tour-guides, and getting deservedly & repeatedly punched in the face by a tuktuk driver, whos mother I have drunkenly insulted, I will probably skulk into the night searching for an ugly street whore that even BBB wouldnt pork for free, and bareback her in the ass for a nominal fee.
If that poorly constructed plan fails, Im sure as a last resort, Ill find a prick-hungry katoey who will gladly take a shot of ‘Penfold Protein’ to the soft pallet for a crisp, red 100 note.
Any advice on Freelancer hangouts, Ladyboy infested shit-holes, or where the young and trendy of Chiang Mai (such as me) go to hang-out, would be greatly appreciated.
Wouldnt mind adding to my growing tattoo collection while im there, so any tip-offs on decent inkers would be sweet.
Koh Samui -This isnt new ground as Ive been here before, however I was with my GF, so t’was a tame affair. Samuis good – not great, but good. I much prefer Phuket for the sluts, and Samui for the beach. I have 2 friends in Thailand mid Feb who are picking up my flights and accommodation. I naturally championed Phuket’s case purely for the sluts, but sadly I was outvoted. Still, a free holiday is a free holiday.
Despite Chaweng Beach having an alarming amount of fags playing bat’n'ball games in speedos, and ladyboys wearing sarongs to cover their meat and potatoes, its still a cool beach. The beach does some seriously swag food at night. Low tables, fairy lights and all that jazz. Classy shit.
The beerbar scene is pretty lame, but the 2 gogos at the bottom of Soi Green Mango HAD some fucking knockouts last time around, that mark my words ladies and gentleman, WILL be getting their little pooholes violated! Lot of Ozzie babes at ‘Sweet Soul Cafe’ and the Blackmoon party who were hanging off their tits on redbull, whisky and disco biscuits, that are fair game for some smash n grab.
Went back to AirAsia.com and spent 5minutes imagining me doing some Patrick Batemanesque shit to the girl on the left again.
3 returns from BKK to Surat Thani ran at all but 7500baht. Under 2500 a pair. BangkokAirways wanted 9800baht odd EACH. Well you can poke it right up your big, fat arse Mr BangkokAirways. Will have to slum it on a ferry from Surat to Samui Island which is slightly uncool, but forgiveable.
Booked The EverGreen Hotel last time through www.koh-samui.de. Got a suite there that ran at a reasonable 3000baht and came with an private Jacuzzi. Booked up more of the same in preparation of scraping back some vodka fuelled street-skanks, who will get demolished amongst the bubbles and cheap champagne.
Koh Chang – Will be hitting ‘The Chang’ with a gik of mine. She’s fairly cash’d up and suggesting going for a long weekend as her treat.
She had complications with an abortion when she was 25 and is unable to have kids. Therefore ‘creampies’ are order of the day. SSB has since dubbed her ‘Splatterhouse’. Class.
Will probably hang here for 4-5 days, eat a truckfull of seafood, paint her innards 4-5 times daily, get some sun on my belly and kick back to the collection of soul classics and disco anthems on my ipod.
Ive been told the chances of me finding a gym on the island are slim, though im thinking 1 of the 5star joints there will have at least a weight room I can use for a small fee.
DocSmith & Catman let on that some P4P can be obtained on The Chang. Hoping I can get some strong leads and skulk out to investigate. Purely in the name of blogging you understand.
Am thinking of seeing what Ayutthaya can offer. Heard mainly its all ruins and temples and stuff. Not very me. Read on the blog a few times that some girls in Ayuttaya would be willing to rent me their vaginas for an hourly rate. This is very me.
Khon Kaen is an option. Checked online and sadly theres no California WoW there. Pisser. I regularly liase with 2 girls I met through Tagged who are making all the right noises. 1 of them is a dead cert, however the other is gonna be a toughy. If i fall flat on my arse with toughy, Itd be nice to know if I can hail a tuktuk, and be hanging out the back of a farmers daughter 10minutes later with toughy fresh in my mind.
Right….. Part 2…… ETA July 2011
66 Responses to “Making Plans – Part 1 by Young Penfold”
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walking by lolitas and hearing my name...never!;)
1 2 beers per hour/per man/per day2 3somes with some ladyboys3 yeager ...
Bang a deaf girl..... too easy. Done it.This has the opportunity of tu...
Ask to sit on the naughty step:http://www.the-castle-pattaya.com
I challenge the dynamic duo to obtain a packing crate, nail in a pair ...
I'd like to see them make the So What and Lucky Love bars' Facebook pa...
I would like Daywalker to "pull a train " in Jenny Star Bar . I will e...
Well they should start the trip by stealing a taxi from a tout in bang...
I would like these two obnoxiously drunk (which shouldnt be an issue) ...
@ Barfine warrior you got some pretty harsh sh*t in there, goddamn! ha...
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Translator
*snork*
A fascinating (if disturbing) insight into the mind (or what passes for one) of Britain’s classiest chav.
YP, you are Hertfordshire’s second-finest export. After Star Wars, obviously. And Vinnie Jones. Third-finest, then…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I do enjoy reading your posts and the bog is aces. I hope the Thai tart didnt cause Young Penfold to head to greener, albeit much tamer, pastures. You always seemed like the type of guy that would scoff off any malfesance from a tart. Although, the sting of getting bested by a Jerry cant be a good one. Thailand just wouldnt be the same without you, I have a feeling.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Responding to the first sentence of the post:
The anthem that’s played at the movies is a pretty emotional piece- played at volume in surround sound, it can almost bring one to tears. Add in the God-like imagery presented of you know who making it rain and curing the ills of the country and you have the perfect recipe to brainwash the entire population, who are pretty much sheeple to begin with.
Oops, did I say that last bit out loud?
View all comments by jeezo
Said with Shakespeareian eloquence. But if you revisit “The 4″ and include legs and face in your evaluation the obvous overall choice is the 2nd from the left
View all comments by 8 Ball
YP- Always a great read, thanks for the post, and looking forward to 2011 for the next post.
Admin-(pmmp, ssb)- How do I add a pic to my profile? I tried to add one via my profile, but no picture options there.
View all comments by I Phukit
i -
http://www.bigmangobar.com/main/2007/11/17/spicy-tuk-tuks-lucky-and-gravatars/
View all comments by sideshowBOB
wow.
and i thought i had a bad day.
View all comments by jack dawson
8 Ball, I thought the same thing. She seems to be more of a city girl, whereas the other three look a bit “baan nok”.
View all comments by generous sponsor
Young Penfold, Great piece, almost worthy of the wait. As for places you may like in Chiang Mai, Well, I lived there for 2 years so here’s what I can remember. (Some of this has been posted before).
Firstly, there’s only 3 go-go bars as such in Chiang Mai. The one I often went to was Spotlight, near Thapae gate. The other Go-Go’s are Star Six which is just off Loi Khro road near to the Boxing ring bars, and Foxy Lady which is also off Loi Khro road down the left sided soi just before the newly built Le Meridien. All pretty lame by Bangkok standard’s. There’s a ladyboy bar in the group of boxing ring bars opposite Star Six and a whole host of Gay/ladyboy bars just down from Foxy Lady a go-go. Freelance Ladyboys often linger on the road close to Thapae gate, waiting for drive-though pick ups. Bubble, Hotshot, and Spicey are all popular FL pick up joints. Again, lame by Bangkok standard’s. Spicey is the one and only after hour venue. The best of the soapy massage joints IMO is ‘Sayuri’ on Bumrung Rajd road soi 2. Another popular one is Pandoras.
For Trendy, then head out to Nimmanhemin Road, there’s a whole cluster of cool Bar/Restaurant/Clubs in and around this area. Personal favourites of mine were ‘Warm up’ (loads of Uni chicks) and ‘The Monkey Club’ (slightly more Hi-so clientle). Chiang Mai clubs are crazy cheap in comparison to similar venues in Bangkok.
As for Chiang Rai, Well, it’s pretty dead in the Town centre, a few bleak beer bars with ugly girls on Jetyod road is as good as it gets, but about a kilometer south out of the centre, left off Paholyotin Road there’s a road full of clubs. If I remember rightly the first one I went in was ‘Sperm Club’ and after that we hit ‘Par Club’ which is by far the largest club in Northern Thailand and pretty cool late at night.
Hope this helps, oh, and the Koh Chiang story is in, just waiting for SSB to put it up.
View all comments by Catman
For Chiang Mai, there’s also centrally located Club G, which has some cuties and some ladyboys, there’s the entire Chiang Mai Land street, which has about a gazillion karaoke joints plus a few popular clubs (forget their names) mostly for young Thais, and there’s a few other young Thai club areas around town, one directly opposite the main in-town mall, which has a young Thai clientele who are just dying to hook up with young farang, and some others I know how to get to but can’t remember. CM is literally PACKED with clubs and bars catering to the young Thais, it’s just harder for a short time visitor to find them.
There’s also club 61, which when I lived in CM used to be THE popular venue for trendy Thai, but that was about 3 yrs ago.
There’s also a Forte in town and some other similar type clubs stocked with tons of Thai-style cuties, some of whom will go with you for around 2 G’s, unlike, apparently, the G girls in BKK. Only been once and was quickly picked up by a real cutie for 2 G’s, so I can’t comment if this is common or not, but it seemed like it might be.
But the REAL gems of CM are the many afterhours clubs scattered around town that get going after the regular places close up shop – these places are crawling with cuties and there seems to be a real atmosphere of it’s late, no one sees me, and anything goes, even hooking up with that cute farang who I’d never be caught dead with during daylight hours.
Problem is the only way to find out about these places is to ask and know local Thais. When I lived there there was one late hours place open till early morning in the parking lot of the Airport garage! It was really popular.
My advice would be, go to warm-up, club G or another mainstream place for the start of the night, make friends, which is absurdly easy, and let them take you to the places where the REAL action happens after the normal places close.
The truth is if you live in CM and get to know the place pretty well and know local Thais, CM is a real gem of a place in terms of partying!
View all comments by CMMM
ssb -Thanks’s I have this beautiful picture of my blushing bride I want you all to see
View all comments by I Phukit
Good call CMMM. I had forgotten all about ‘Bossy Club’ up on Chiang Mai Land, ‘Fashion Club’ or ‘Fashion House’ under Pang-suan-kaew shopping mall and ‘Discovery’ opposite. There’s also ‘Mandalay Club’ on Moon Muang road which was always cool too…..it’s all coming back too me now!! I kinda miss it.
View all comments by Catman
catman – its coming. was better to post this first and link in…
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@SSB, No worries……and your Phuket review???
View all comments by Catman
cat -
it is more a tail of learning – about my own stupidity than it is a review. the chapter is not closed so tough to write about it but it is formulating.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
YP:
I arrived here yesterday. I was on ’standby’ on EVA Air.. but they can’t fit me on one of their planes for another week. Seeing that I’d already paid for a 1st class seat months ago, you’d think they’d at least offer to kick 4 peasants off a row of seats and offer them to me?
Anyway, out of desperation I walked over to the Chinky Airlines desk and asked them what delights they had to offer me. They had a plane leaving in 2 hours.. ecomony seat only…. 1400 Euros. Nice.
The plane ride was an ordeal. I don’t recommend it.
I had to spend last night trying to drink the memory from my mind.
View all comments by Daywalker
Looking forward to it. There’s nothing better than a tale of someone else’s misfortune or stupidity to get me going in the morning.
View all comments by Catman
@Daywalker, it wasn’t South China Air was It??? I flew with those Cunts earlier this year…..never again!!
View all comments by Catman
Point of order on the flights. Think it should be Qatar Airways via Doha. They’re pretty good actually, according to Skytrax.
Jet Airways would be via Mumbai normally. If you get one of their new aircraft they are an excellent airline.
Not flown EVA for years, but they used to be OK back in the day when they were one of the first with a premium economy.
Trip sounds good, if rather staid by your own high standards YP. I have thought a minimum of one stage at with least a pair of ladyboys in tow, preferably on a phase most capable of generating shock and attention, such as a backpackers hill tribe trek up in Chnag Rai for example. Just a thought.
View all comments by Combover
“dead cert”?
Spicey in chaing mai in probley the best place in Thailand for banging white chicks.Been to chaing twice both in July, Lots of uni girls from Bangkok in town on holiday both times. Such women put out with a minamal of work. Im a touristand Ive always found chaind mai the eastest place to bang for free in Thailand.
View all comments by Mr Right
erm.. just the regular ‘China Airlines’….
Don’t get me wrong, sitting upstairs in the ‘bubble’ is always a hoot. it’s just that I had to turn right when I got on the plane and was sat next to a drooling idiot who kept gobbing off how great Pattaya is. As he’d been there twice before he obviously knew everything.
One good thing about sitting near the shitters though, it look the blame for the stenchy farts I kept ripping off out if boredom.
View all comments by Daywalker
YP you sound like a Bret Easton Ellis-Irvine Welsh love child.
View all comments by Wenthworth
Chiang Mai has plenty of freelancer options depending on what you are looking for; Uni, Pro. etc.
IM or email if you want specifics.
View all comments by larry
YP: Your writing style is developing in tandem with your taste for depravity. You make me proud to be English. Excellent read.
When you go to Samui, don’t stay in Chaweng – it’s a tacky shithole only worth visiting for the after-hours clubs. Stay 10 kilometres down the coast at Lamai, where the beach is much nicer, the beer bars are better and there is a great Muay Thai gym where you can work on your physique.
Lamai is also home to a notorious ladyboy called Champagne, who patrols the streets on her motorbike after dark looking for handsome farangs. You and her could be a match made in heaven.
View all comments by On Nutter
YP: If she is fucking a box-head, forgive her. Anyone can make a mistake with those silver tongued buggers. “Peace in our time” from Neville Chamberlain springs to mind.
Thank you for sharing your grief. I trust it was cathartic. I am too embarrassed to share mine, so I will dob in Knobby in a future post.
Good to see your mum has a sound sense of the authors of the worlds troubled religions. Do true believers realise that when these faiths were invented, every one thought the world was flat.
Leaving the country seems a bit extreme. Get some “therapy” in a Cambodian Casino. I understand that if you are a “player”, you get free piss and free pussy. Sounds like good therapy to me.
There is a gym on Koh Chang. Well past white sands, near the private hospital I think. Its on the left heading away from WS. Jogging to it would be a work out in itself if you are at the ferry.
View all comments by wrecks
YP. The gym in Koh Chang is in khlong phrao, over the hill about 4km from White Sands beach Its sole redeeming feature is the proximity to the very ‘friendly’ massage shop next door.
Enjoy!
View all comments by spats
YP – ive been reading your rubbish comments for a while now so i feel like i care? so to be honest im very sorry to hear about the german episode… for fucks sake i can’t see what thai girls see that they have in common in german people, but anyway very happy to hear you have found (at least for short time) happiness in CR. this will always have a soft & gewy spot in my heart – only true CR admirers will understand what im saying. basically it is the epicenter of my girly universe. as for Koh chang, samui, phuket… its for amatures, you are way above that shit. get back to bkk and snap out of it!
View all comments by Mr Carpet
@BBB – Chav? I dont own a hoodie, dont drink cider, and havent punched a pensioner in the face and robbed her purse for going onweeks now
@Jeezo – Im a sucker for live band and panpipes. Add to that the liver cramps, hot sweats and the spinninghead from the bottle of Sangsom the night before and it all got a bit much for me. The girl I was with bought my excuse of a rogue contact lense for my red eyes and snivelling
@Catman/CMMM – Much love for the CM and CR info. The Rai will be all about the stoner girl. Have been on MSN a lot lately and shes foaming at the lips between her hips for my arrival. If I manage to lay this bitch she’ll be up there with my best.
Chiang Mai will be a 4-5night stay, so if the 2girls im meeting dont spread there dirty legs, im totally gonna get involved with the afterhours gigs and wake up with a few ‘whories’ to tell
@On Nutter. Just had an email back from Evergreen saying they are booked up, so maybe Lamai is worth a look? Can you email Champagnes phone number? I lost it
View all comments by Young Penfold
@Spats – Are we talking and oily, a soapie or just hand-shandies administered out by old hags?
Mr Carpet – Samui is a tad lame, but for the sake of a free holiday, and some free ass I’ve lined up, its worth a visit. Im thinking of buying a sniper rifle and picking off fat ferang beach joggers from my balcony
@WRECKS – Whats a box-head?
View all comments by Young Penfold
santa – since ur reading – im sorry if u thought otherwise but i was actually trying to be nice! im sorry about the sauna comment a while back but truth is i fucking hate germans and im sorry about your girl. peace out man, and i wish you a happy arrival in bkk soon.
View all comments by Mr Carpet
sorry. ur second take im laughin. cool. agree.
View all comments by Mr Carpet
@YP – “Cowboy Up” as a friend always said to me going through my “ordeal”.
After 5 years we split (really messy) and she went to work in the EDEN CLUB – and this NO LIE!
So not only is she “doing” Germans, current employees (women) – but anyone who walks through the door and she happens to be lucky (no problems there) enough to be chosen by the customer or one of her work partners!
In hindsight, much thought and 1 year later – this was a blessing in disguise! The “glass is always half full” brother!
Maybe this is a blessing for you as well!
View all comments by JDH
Your writing sparkles like the sunlight reflecting off the jism spilt from a discarded johnnie – Like OnNutter, you prose makes me proud to be British (like Obama is apparently… anyone read that story?)
The Queen sends her best wishes and Prince Phillip hopes you will be ‘giving it one to all those slitty eyes’ (He gets his asians mixed up)
View all comments by doctorbond
@YP. It was oily and experienced. Old Hags would be unkind, but not too far from the truth
Kai Bae, the next beach down has about 15 or 20 beer bars and some massage joints where the quality is a lot better…. have a good one and good luck getting here on Eva!
View all comments by spats
@Carpetmuncher – One small shredd of comfort is that despite him being, and again quoting my monther ‘a nazi cunt’ he is far uncooler than me.
He doesnt drink booze, thinks tattoos are vulgar, he reads a lot of books by all accounts, and he has a heart hurmour. I know what gym he works out at, so am tempted upon my return to punch him in the chest and watch the fucker gasp like a fish and turn blue. For Queen and country of course.
@Spats – What time the beer bars kick off, and there any ST places nearby?
View all comments by Young Penfold
Oy !
Nice greetings from Germany !
Will be in BKK and Pattaya over christmas and shag your “girlfriends” for some cash. No worries, they still “belong” to you !
YP, Carpet and the other haters:
Why do you hate Germans ? Because of your personal wwII experience or for the hard competition to brits as the lowest tourist scum ?
Anyway, I will also bone YPs LB collection and his and their mothers while singing “Rude Britannia” !
View all comments by Ze ugly German
I’d just like to say that I have nothing against Germans. The krauts that I know are a good bunch.
Especially when comparing them to the French
View all comments by Daywalker
YES YP anothergood read ,like your style whatever that is ..ill fillyou in on samui a little-chaweng is bigger,buisyer than lamai,and is full of fucking annoying taxi drivers and thai=indians that offer blokes in boardies a full on suit -yeah that going to work-not.but chaweng has soi green mango with 3 gogo bars with 2 more aroung the corner-all are bloody boring compared to bbk-no tits never any pussy and lots of two step shuffle.there were a hottie or two but i was with the girlfriend so a waste of time.sweetzone night club is where the songs are good,some hotties or green mango -big but shitty.reggeabar and soi reggea much better-rggea bar full of freelancers then when everybar closes at 2 or 3 everybody still standing goes to the solo bar untill 5=6.chaweng main road after 2 am becomes ladyboy street-once pulled over in the motor to check on a almost flat tire and within seconds had 3 surrounding me with offers from as low as 250 bht,thanks but no thanks.ill tell them you are on your way though..chaweng has 3 gyms .lamai has more bars/girls but a shitty disco although the thai one is ok.1 10 bht gym on the beach-proud memberbut open 6-9 and 5-8only.lamai or silver beach is nice and has good new bungalows.
let me know when you are in town if you want more info,cheers zep.
View all comments by zepplin
Very funny, but quite sad, because while I’ll be stuck in England for as long as it takes to convince the missus that a return to Thailand doesn’t really mean 21 nights of unbridled sleaze, you’ll be jetting back with a lunchbox full of turkey and stuffing sandwiches and your new Dangermouse wellingtons.
But how can you hate on Pattaya? I have dreams about Pattaya at Songkran in the way healthy minds dream of New England in the fall. And why not beautiful Samet? Not great for freelancers but there is a growing shehe population and lots of middle class Thai birds.
I think Thai very under-rated. The stuff we used to call Thai Stick at school/uni was like smoking bark, so I was very pleased to get couchlocked off about 1p’s of Thailand’s finest – cheap and tasty enough to blaze pure – on my last trip. Jamaica, Netherlands, Thailand = the toking trifecta in my humble.
View all comments by milo
Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been doing my bit to even things up a little for YP and others.
Several times a week for nearly a year I’ve been shagging a special local lass who is lovingly sponsored by a German living back in the fatherland, or motherland, or whatever. The lass and I giggle at his sugary emails and SMS messages as each one arrives, and I especially enjoy encouraging her to accept his calls on the mobile while I quietly spread her thighs and bump my testicles against her bum cheeks while she assures him that, yes, she is at home watching TV and missing him. “Kid Teung and Joop Joop”. Every time he makes a cash deposit in her account she comes over to my place to celebrate by giving me a blow job.
The German is coming to town soon to give me a much needed 10-day rest, getting for ten days what he pays for all year. Meanwhile I get weekly what he pays for all year. I’ll enjoy the short break and be back between her legs before he boards the plane to go back to the freezing weather and ugly women where he came from.
So, if you’re German, sending money to a little Thai cutie here in Bangkok to keep her out of the bar, and planning a visit to the Land of Smiles this month, you may be the lucky winner of the 2008 Werewolf’s-been-schtooping-your-girl award — at least you know you’re in the running.
BTW ZuG: Hope it’s not *your* girl I’ve been doing!
Everyone: If you’re back in farangland and sending money to your honey in the expectation that you’re ’saving’ her for yourself then think again. You may be keeping her out of the local expat bar, but your probably not keeping any local expats out of her.
View all comments by Werewolf
Werewolf, thats funny !
This year spring in Pattaya I banged a bargirl that was telling me storys about the Brit who financed her “beauty salon” and even showed me his pic on the cell phone. The investment was obviously a failure as she was still working (“first week in bar, leally” haha).
Maybe TGs know about the european competitions and try to be the laughing third ?
Germany is btw the same cold wasteland of feminazis as the UK is, so the romantic stupidity of sending money to remote exotic whores should be a disease that is spread to the same degree across freezing Europe.
View all comments by Ze ugly German
Why did you want to go back to the UK when you split with your bird? Was it some kind of punishment? The last place I’d want to be, when thinking about my ex being fucked crazy by a German, is being turned down by ugly white women in Wetherspoons.
View all comments by Tiny Mouse
CM: “Spicy” has been mentioned above. If you can’t get laid at Spicy then you must have an extra arm growing out of your head or something. Great place. The night market areas are pretty quiet, but you can definitely meet ladies there. I’ve never had to pay for female temporary employees in CM.
CR: my god it’s boring in CR. Your pot-smoking CR hippy chick sounds like the perfect girl to me.
Lopburi(don’t laugh): It’s a great town. There’s a Carabao bar downtown for sanook mak mak. Best to speak some Thai, or just smile alot if you don’t. If you’re alone, you’ll quickly be invited to sit with people. Decent brew, fun times. I think it closes at 2 am.
Hua Hin: disco at the Hilton; one street of girly bars. Nice place to relax for a few daya, though I thought the drive out there was torture (but that might have been due to having no aircon on that trip). The beach is ok except for the rocks and horse poo:-)
Isaan: I really like isaan. Highly rewarded for thai language skills there.
dboy
View all comments by Dboy
ZuG: I’ve been doing the current girl off and on (pun intended, I guess) for about a year, but only very regularly for five months.
Before that I was doing a little honey that was sponsored by an Aussie. While he hadn’t set her up in business, he had paid for her to go to school, and was taking care of all her living expenses.
She did stop working in the bars, but mainly because she was lazy, I think. She certainly never wanted to stop having sex with me… I pretty much just drifted away.
She actually called tonight, between my last comment and this one looking for a little comfort, telling me she was bored and lonely.
I didn’t encourage her, so, all you Aussie sponsors out there can relax. The winner of the 2007 Werewolf’s-schtooping-your-girl award went to the Lucky Country, but you’re out of the running this year.
Hmmm… I wonder which county I need to fuck (figuratively and literally) in 2009?
View all comments by Werewolf
“I especially enjoy encouraging her to accept his calls on the mobile while I quietly spread her thighs and bump my testicles against her bum cheeks while she assures him that, yes, she is at home watching TV and missing him.”
Forget the Nuremberg Trials, forget World Cup ‘66. For true revenge for the Allies and justice for the Jews, look no further than Werewolf’s heroic spooning
View all comments by milo
@Zepplin – Much love for the info. Have been scowering the net for some funky beachside bungalows where we can get upto some depraved shit. Hopefully equipped with a jacuzzi. any tips? And whats the best way to get from chaweng to Lamai?
@TinyMouse – Fat peroxide blonde, chav-spunkbags in my local wetherspoons NEVER turn guys down. Especially not me
View all comments by Young Penfold
Milo, please keep out of those european topics, since Germany had lost its african colonies quite early. And it was rather “winning” when I see London these days.
And because you seem to be a quite old guy:
Revenge for the Allies ? Are you still making revenge for Cecil Rhodes with white girls in Brixton backyards ?
View all comments by Ze ugly German
@Milo – to be fair I do give Pattaya a hard time. Bit like beating up a kid in a wheelchair that wont fight back
I like to hit Patts for maybe 2-3 days max, then retreat back to BKK, sit in a bleach bath ,repent my sins and apologise to my liver
Am picking up 2 mates from the airport and heading straight to Patts for 3nights then off to Samui. Am thinking of greeting them with a bottle of smirnoff and 3 soi6 cum-fiends at the arrivals gate.
Am currently looking for a hotel in Patts with a jacuzzi that DONT supply kiddie porn with every room. Suggestions please
View all comments by Young Penfold
YP:
Have you tried the Penthouse? ( if they got the kiddie stuff then fuck them ,I didn’t know about that) otherwise check out the Private pool area and there rooms are fun, dance poles,jacuzzi,Swings
and some other fun items in the rooms.
Cheers
View all comments by AnotherBarBoss
YP: The bars kick off early, but its not really worth getting there till mid-evening. I don’t know of any ST places, but given the number of locals that go there, it’s almost certain that there would be one in or around white sands beach.
View all comments by spats
@YP, great story by the way, though the mental image from your sentence
“Even as my dear mother was giving me her card details over the phone to book a flight home, I was already plotting my cum-splattered return” is disturbing…
View all comments by spats
YP: Box head is the affectionate term we down under use as a collective term for anyone from within the German borders. I realise we shouldn’t mock physical features, but hey…alls fair in bloggs, love and war. Just ask a box head.
YP: Just like we call you and yours Pommies. You can’t help it if you can’t speak English. I can give you some lessons. For example
Strine: Djavagurdweegendmite?
Translation: Did you have a good week end mate?
ZUG: Its your job to improve the image of your countrymen. Telling us you are playing tit for tat and have been rooting a pre sponsered girl does not work in your favour.
It’s OK for wolfy cos we know he can’t help himself, (and we know her boyfriend can’t get it up) but you have responsibilities.
And ZUG, whilst all nationalities produce girl bashers, my Teelac and her sister were both badly bashed by a man from your country. Help me even the score and all will be forgiven.
View all comments by wrecks
YP-
The Pethouse in Patts may be your best best for reasonable accomodations, a tart-friendly atmosphere and large jacuzzis in the loo. Just a suggestion..good luck
View all comments by Indu WangZi
IMHO the penthouse has seen its better days. The nickel and dime u to death and the room rates are up there anymore. They also had the kiddie porn.
daywalker and pmmp stayed at the joint above heaven’s above which is smaller but has a jacuzzi room. for a smaller party it might be fine.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
Interested if anybody comes up with a hotel with a jacuzzi in the room and suited for partying loud. The Penthouse was great but has degenerated so. The Galaxy Suites upstairs from Heaven’s Above has one jacuzzi room but you can’t go loud or with too many people. They also charge extra for additional guests. It’s not too luxurious either. BTW, daywalker had his own room. The jacuzzi suite is not that big and only has one bed. For the next Pattaya run we are going to look at renting an isolated house instead.
View all comments by pmmp
I hate giving these guys a plug — the management is finest scum Pattaya has to offer — but if you’re looking for a private place it might suit the bill.
Pricey, but Daywalker has the money:
http://secretspattaya.com/villa/
View all comments by Banglamung
@Banglamung: Cool. Thanks. Pricey but might fit the bill perfectly. Have you stayed or seen these villas? Can you blast the music and have as many guests as you want?
View all comments by pmmp
Mot stayed there and will die before I give the Secrets guys any of my money. But I’ve seen it.
Its in the middle of a residential neighborhood and is sex tourist central. SO i”m guessing parties are regular happenings.
View all comments by Banglamung
Ze Ugly – Ha ha. I’m too busy avenging King Leopold with Belgian girls and Dr Verwoerd with Afrikaans birds, but I assure you, Cecil Rhodes will be in my mind next time I get my ‘jester’s shoes’ with a Britisher. However, I do take exception to being described as ‘quite an old guy’. I was born in the eighties (just about)!
View all comments by milo
YP – sorry mate, i guess it’s that time of year when he starts doing his rounds… we know his hair is white, but im sure and hope his balls are blue. peace.
View all comments by Mr Carpet
Ho ho ho !
My balls will be red Coke hot after leaving YPs german-friendly ex-GF with some sticky presents from my sack.
…then Lancer, Trancer and Hans and Franz will have the ultimate joyride with her until new year.
View all comments by Ze ugly German
Regarding the villas…never stayed but read some bad reviews on another site, and no, not the site ran by the owners.
View all comments by Knight Rider
german duder – very funny. i hope we will all still get presents. i want a helicopter, but if that’s too hard too wrap then just one or two sideliners from ceasares would keep me smiling
View all comments by Mr Carpet
Yp – What do you forsee at the end of your whirlwind trip? Would you just go back to hometown again, or try and extend your stay in thailand with maybe another gf situation.
Just wondering because it sort of relates to what I’ve been thinking about my second trip, (and I think I would try to get a “B” visa). Somewhere I think you mentioned having an “O” visa, if so, you’re lucky, not every embassy hands those out.
View all comments by naturalgame
@Naturalgame – No idea what my plans are.
Dont really wanna follow the trend and become an english teacher, as some of you MAY have already noticed, my spelling and grammar are pisspoor at best.
Gonna do some freelance personal training for some pocket/whore money, which will be whipping fat ill-disciplined beerbellied ferangs into toned fannymagnets like myself.
Will also add to my growing tattoo collection, continue to practise Muay Thai, bang the snot out as many coyotes/ladyboys/uni harlots as i possibly can, learn to read thai, engage in drunken fisticuffs with tuktuk drivers
If I dont find any fullfilling work after 2-3months, think I might even pull the plug on BKK
View all comments by Young Penfold
Going to hit Pattaya in a few days.. need a jacuzzi room.
My secretary is going to sort out the hotel. Banglamung’s tip is the fave at the moment. Although pricey, still a better deal than the Penthouse.
Oh.. here is a tip to Penthouse Management (as I am sure they read this).. in addittion to removing all kiddie-porn.. please put some bloody signs up so the room are easier to find. You may think the corridors stink of cat piss, but when the Daywalker has to ‘go’ and can’t find his room in a hurry……
View all comments by Daywalker