10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 5 by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on October 19th, 2007
Part 1 :: Part 2 :: Part 3 :: Part 4
BARGIRLS’ MOBILE PHONES: Have you ever met a bargirl whose phone does not have Bluetooth, email, digital camera, WAP, GSM, HSCSD, GPRS, SyncML, J2ME, MMS and a whole lot more unintelligible acronyms? Neither have I. It always puzzles me why anyone financing an extended family in Isaan, various unwell buffaloes and a Thai boyfriend would invest 15,000 baht in a phone with functions they cannot use. A girl recently asked me if she could download some photos from her phone to my computer. ‒Me have Bluetooth,” she said, producing a USB cable. ‒No, Bluetooth is a wireless application – that is a USB cable. Anyway, my computer does not have Bluetooth,” I explained. She looked horrified. ‒You no have Bluetooth? You Cheap Charlie mak mak.”
LARGE THAI SCHOOLBOYS IN SHORT TROUSERS: As the locals get bigger on their new diet of Big Macs and KFC, there are unfortunate consequences for those overgrown youths forced to wear school uniforms. On the Skytrain recently, a schoolboy of monstrous proportions got on at Ploenchit. He was about 6ft 3ins and 100 kilograms. He had stubble and looked as though he could hold his own in the front row of South Africa’s pack at the Rugby World Cup. His machismo, however, was somewhat dented by his attire of white shirt, very skimpy blue shorts, white socks and shiny black shoes. He was obviously embarrassed. I wanted to burst out laughing but did not dare. I did not want to be beaten up by a 13-year-old.
‘MY FLEND NO HAVE DINK’: This is a relatively new expression among Bangkok’s bargirls. Several times recently I have performed my duty as a mobile ATM by buying a drink or two for a girl. This generosity is not enough. The girl will invariably then point at a morbidly obese jungle bunny sitting morosely on the other side of the bar and say: ‒My flend no have dink. You buy for her.” Frankly, it is of no concern to me whether she dies of thirst, but I sometimes relent and buy another 120-baht Cola to enhance my reputation as a customer of ‒jai dee” (translation: good heart or farang sucker).
THE GREEN GOO IN 7-ELEVEN SNACKS: What is this stuff? Does anyone like it? I prefer savoury to sweet but each time I buy a pancake or other bakery product, I bite into it and see this sickly-sweet green goo. The new government must tackle this issue.
RESTAURANT STAFF PAID TO STARE AT CUSTOMERS: I recently had a very unnerving lunch at the Sizzler chain’s Bangna branch. I was the only customer and every move I made was scrutinised by the 10 staff lined up in front of me. It was like being a condemned man eating his last meal before being executed. Each time I sipped my iced tea, the iced tea supervisor came rushing over to top up my drink. When I went to the salad counter, six staff followed me. I know they were just trying to help and were grateful to have a customer, but it was a truly scary experience.
THAI GIRLS WHO SPOON-FEED THEIR FARANGS: This vomit-inducing practice is part of the Thai ‒taking care” philosophy. It has to stop. I have had enough of looking at middle-aged farangs with smug grins being spoon-fed their khao pad gai. Where is their self-respect? Next time bring a high-chair and a bib, you gormless tossers.
SHOWER FETISHISTS: I know cleanliness is next to godliness, but Thai girls can take it too far. We have all come across the ones who insist on you and her showering more often than is good for human beings. I once entertained one who could barely go more than 30 minutes without a shower. She could not speak English and just kept on shouting ‒abnam, abnam” all the time. By the time she left, I had spent so much time in the shower that I was starting to rust. At least she added another word to my Thai vocabulary – ‒abnam” means shower.
FARANG JOGGERS: These misguided fools actually think they are doing themselves some good by running in Bangkok’s heat, humidity and pollution. Wrong. They are also letting down the entire farang community. Thais expect us to spend our leisure time in bars drinking too much and negotiating short-time rates. We should not disappoint them.
THE BEGGAR ON CRUTCHES: You will have seen him patrolling the entrance to Nana Plaza and rudely accosting everyone who passes. He even uses his crutch to tap people on the shoulder. I spent an hour observing him from Big Dogs and, believe me, he does not need your help. I saw him counting his money and it was a very impressive wad. He won’t be swapping begging for factory work.
SLEEPERS: Thai girls appear to have a sleep gene that enables them to slumber for up to 20 hours at a time. I once had an overnighter who I had to wake up at 6.30pm and tell to go because I had no food in my flat and was desperate to eat. At first I thought these girls were staying so long because they liked me, but the awful truth gradually dawned that they just like sleeping. There is only one sound that can rouse them – the opening of a wallet.
26 Responses to “10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 5 by On Nutter”
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
8 Ball, thanks for the thumbs up, hard to do a story on smell, then again I did one on farts :)
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
Good stuff. The aromas of BKK we take for granted coupled with the magnet of its most tantalizing attraction. Well written and to the p...
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
There's going to be a peanut butter comment soon.
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
I'm with you also. But with marmite.
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
@Hunch, does it for me to, especially covered in vegemite.
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
Sorry, did someone say 'stockings of all colors' ? .....ohhh.....uuurrrrrrh...ahhh
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The Ball Massage by ~h
Last trip I had ball massage using warm oils.
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
@DW, they looked better than 200lb gorillas
@cam, thanks, interesting though, the only other blokes in there were japs, they were havi...
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
Great writing..... across the world - hundreds of men - checking their saving accounts
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The Scent of a City - By RainMan
Back left corner of second floor of Nana, come on gents only YP is going to cop to knowing the name/bar? hahaha Good story, liked the wr...
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Translator
BARGIRLS’ MOBILE PHONES
I bought a 30k Nokia N95 6 months ago and only just worked out how to use the internet
LARGE THAI SCHOOLBOYS IN SHORT TROUSERS
Each to his own but next time suggest you stare at Chula girls on the BTS.
MY FLEND NO HAVE DINK’
“Yeah that’s cos she’s fucking ugly. Get a cute, preferably bi-sexual, friend and I might consider buying a drink”
THE GREEN GOO IN 7-ELEVEN SNACKS:
Never eaten 7-11 snacks
RESTAURANT STAFF PAID
Never eaten in Sizzler
THAI GIRLS WHO SPOON-FEED THEIR FARANGS
Serves them right for eating Thai food. Stick to pizza.
SHOWER FETISHISTS
I personally have worse fetishes
FARANG JOGGERS
Agreed.
THE BEGGAR ON CRUTCHES:
Yes. Like that no legged chap who crawls up Sukhumvit pavements. Lost count the number of times I accidentally stepped on his head.
SLEEPERS
Start to lube up their ass with KY and see how fast they wake up.
View all comments by MSB
My somewhat “constant” Thai GF in BKK once fell asleep sitting beside me on a very bumpy speedboat ride from Phuket to Phi-Phi, amazing. And she loves the 10k Nokia I bought her
View all comments by Phoenix
MOBILE PHONES: Over a 4-day period back in June I bought two brand new mobile phones for two ‘gigs’. One was a shit-hot Motorola with all the trimmings and the other a very schmick Nokia. The dealers at Mahboonkrong were laughing at me, though, as I spent 2,300 baht on a second-hand Samsung to replace my own 5-year-old phone that could only be used to make and receive phone calls. My ‘new’ phone does that AND takes really low quality photos as well! How pussy-whipped am I?
RESTAURANTS: I got mine back on the restaurant staff earlier this month at a place called Rock Steak at Sapphan Taksin. I was handed a menu as my bum hit the chair, and didn’t have it open yet when the waiter was standing looking at me… so far condition normal.
The restaurant had been open only a couple of weeks, though, so they were still trying to impress the foreigners with their service. The hostess — probably the wife or sister of the owner– appeared in an instant to look over my shoulder, continually pointing out pictures in the menu and matching them up with the written menu offerings. I might have understood this if the menu was in Thai, but it was printed in surprisingly coherent English.
Now here was the thing. Both the waiter and the hostess were now committed to waiting for me to order, but she had irritated the shit out of me by treating me like an illiterate, so I slowly leafed through the very thin 4-page menu, back and forth, while she hovered centimeters away looking over my shoulder. I had the advantage since I was sitting down, wasn’t terribly hungry and had no place to go, so I went into a meditative state silently flipping backward and forward, pausing occasionally to ruminate over my choices. This went on for about 8 minutes.
She finally cracked, and stepped away.
The second she moved I turned my head, looked at the waiter and ordered. I hoped that in my own non-confrontational way I had helped her understand that Ferang don’t really want to be hovered over or stared at.
(By the way I had a dish of Sausage and broiled John Dory fish filet that was tasty and reasonably priced. The chef was a little heavy-handed with the salt & MSG on the fish, but overall I liked it. If you’re in the area and looking for a bite to eat at a reasonable price, try it out. It’s near the Chinese temple that you can see as you exit the BTS).
SLEEPERS: Ask any Thai Girl if she has a hobby and I’ll give you 10:1 odds that she’ll say, “sleeping”. Other common bets include
8:1 watching TV
6:1 shopping
5:1 reading ‘gardoon books’ (cartoon books)
Sleeping, Watching TV and Shopping make up the most common Trifecta, and can usually be played as an Exacta.
On Nutter: if you ever see me in a bar, walk up & introduce yourself and I’ll buy you a drink. The “10 Things I Hate about Bangkok” series is my favorite piece of writing on the internet. Waiting for each new installment gives me a reason for living. (BTW, this installment reads vaguely like a BangkokBadBoy blog. You haven’t taken him on as a ghost writer, have you?)
View all comments by werewolf
Just want to say that I am enjoying your writings.
View all comments by Smitty from the USA
Werewolf: Thanks for your kind comments. You can happily buy me a drink any time. I was wondering how I would recognise you until I remembered your post that “to put things in perspective, think of Homer Simpson, make him 8 years older, and you have me. Brad Pitt, I ain’t.” You sound pretty distinctive.
No, Bangkok Bad Boy isn’t my ghost-writer but I take that as a compliment – he is an excellent writer and a fellow Brit. BBB and Smitty are my role models, though they obviously get laid a lot more than I do.
BTW, I will be in the Mango tonight between 10 and 12 if you want to get me that drink.
View all comments by On Nutter
@ On Nutter: Your persistence has prevailed.
Irony is once again legal on the boards
Thanks for the fix.
The native environment is devoid of ANY irony whatsoever. Generally speaking, they just don’t get irony here. If perceived, it’s too close to critique and so is interpreted as a Ferang rudity.
While not diametrically opposite, wit and hate are somehow mutually exclusive.
You, no doubt, do really hate some things but I’ve seen no hate in your lists to date. . . . . . only some very adept “Discovery Channeling.”
The green almond pasty glop (as you probably know by now) is bai toeie custard. One of those buns is like three Beer Lao’s.
I’d, um, take the Beer Lao
View all comments by Thongsuk
*warm fuzzies*
Back soon.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Thanks for another fun list, On Nutter!
It’s the big things that bother me in Thailand: like the government of 9-year-olds with tanks and guns, the lack of stable visa/foreign-investment policies, and press freedoms. I could care less what they sell at 7-11.
That said, I would advise never buying a drink for a “flend” unless she’s part of the deal as well. I view Thailand as a “pay-for-services-rendered” type of place. Joking and having fun are not services, and can always be enjoyed for free.
Irony does not seem to be a part of Thai culture or humor. I’m a rather large guy and adopted the nickname “Jack” a long, long time ago, which has proven useful. But at one time I tried to say my name was “Lek” (small). Just like the enormous American actor who calls himself “Tiny” Lister.
The reaction was universal: a puzzled frown, followed by vehement denial: “No, no, you not lek, you YAI!” After 5-6 tries I simply decided that Thais have zero irony, more’s the pity.
JtB
View all comments by Jack B
IN HK at the minute and left Fenwicks. Its f**kin ten times worse than BKK for fillipino harassment than BKK. Even one of the floor staff asked me to buy 3 girls a drink I was talking too. You know what F**K em. Give me BKK anyday! Sorry, One thing I hate in general is over harassment!
View all comments by Huk
“SLEEPERS
Start to lube up their ass with KY and see how fast they wake up.”
Very funny, made me LOL. Keep up the good work!
I only get to travel to HK not BKK yet but one day!
View all comments by New guy
fucking brilliant list.
I agree on the sleeping thing… one of the reasons my first long term thai girl and i broke up was because she would spend the weekends asleep in my bed- we never went out and did anything.
This is coming from a lazy person who sees little reason to get up before 11 on a saturday…. and the girl in question is a chula graduate.
BTW- I can top you 6:30pm record. We had gone to bed before just before 11pm the night before, and she did not wake until 9:30pm the next night– only to order in some food. To top it off, she would not even get out of bed to pay for it- she made me go downstairs to the front door to pick it up!
View all comments by Paul
Nutter…you eat at a Sizzler?
You deserve whatever fate comes your way.
The Sizzler paragraph should be removed if for no other reason than to preserve YOUR reputation.
View all comments by The Asian Badger
THE BEGGER ON CRUTCHES – I once almost barreled him over when I was rushing to get somewhere on Sukhumvit Road (between Soi 5 and 7). Then a week later he came up to me while I was crossing the intersection at Nana and gave me a startling tug from behind on both my love handles at the same time as I was crossing the road. I turned around to see what that was and there he was hysterical with laughter. I was so unnerved, and at that point happened to be standing in front of the police box at the Nana intersection, that i went in their raving at them that I was accosted by a beggar. I invited him in to join the little police box party I started, but of course he scurried off faster than an Olympic sprint runner. So much for needing crutches to get around quick and I think that should be enough to stop him from trying to accost me with his crutches, or hopefully any other part of his body at this point for that matter. I would trade him in for the 35 kilo guy in the pink jeans with the permanent oversized gobstopper in his cheek and the Zippo lighter that is big enough to light King Kong’s cigar. Ugh!
View all comments by Bangkok Biatch
Love it On Nutter..
Well I’m not proud of this but one girl always use to come over and the first things she would do was deleted everything from her phone, normally when I went to shower. I bought her a new phone (Nokia) and paired it to my laptop and every time she walked in it auto-synchronized and got all the SMS, photos, etc. Shocked isn’t the word for it. But it helps you from believing their sweet mouths. I never give them money but the odd phone for a deserving candidate keeps them sweet.
The number one thing I hate is their inability to put the tops back on bottles properly. Water, Coke, whatever just half a thread holding it on. Go to the kitchen to find coke dripping from the fridge after you’ve put it back. Or dropping it when you pick it up. Or just when they knock it over with the lid on or off and it still goes everywhere.
Is it just me or has anyone else noticed this?
View all comments by Young Royal
@ Bangkok Biatch: The Crutch guy lost his leg in a mo-sie accident (at least that’s what he told me.) As somebody noted above, he’s rather nicely wedged up and doesn’t need my baht.
The little 35 kilo gobstopper guy sells watches and lighters to tourists able to have contact with Farengi without incurring taxation by the beggar pimps. He’s had untreated mouth cancer for the whole sixteen years. Must be fun. A couple of times a year, I roll him a hundred baht (and sometimes a bottle of Dutch Mill drinking yoghurt). He leaves me alone or just wais me the rest of the time.
This makes me feel good. (Is this perverse?)
Another thing that makes me feel good is to slip a twenty and/or a bottle of water into than arms of a sleeping drunk or an occasional 100 into the hands of a paper re-recy-kun guy and his kid.
I don’t give to the Thalidomide (Lady Suk 7 – day shift) for the same reason I don’t give to the one-legged guy. Similarly I pass on the able-bodied Kmen mothers with, Valium-addled kids in tow and that new massive diabetes amputee who cruises Suk backwards in his wheelchair waggling his stump.
Best moral boost I ever had was slipping a hundred to a plastic bottle guy grubbing the bins in front of Ekamai Major.
Well-dressed and well groomed, he was sporting a purple/black facial wheal about the size of a piglet’s liver. He smiled (a real smile), and thanked me (a real thank you) in nearly unaccented English. We chatted. Former office worker. Guess he got too ugly for the office and the other staff got bored with him and his appearance.
Since I’m actually quite a prick in real life
this stuff evens the accounts 
View all comments by Thongsuk
I went shopping in Huay Kwang late one night and saw a man who looked liked he had been totally burnt all over. I was so bad that I couldn’t give him money even if I wanted to. I heard they moved him on be people stopped going there.
View all comments by Young Royal
Thongsuk: You certainly know the area beggars well. One other one that I’m sure you know is the deformed guy who sits in front of the Jewelery Shop across the street from Golden Bar. He sits is a little ball the size of a motorcycle helmet almost. Doesn’t bother anyone, just sits there. I have seen him walking straight up but nonetheless he’s got some bone issues and again never bothers a sole. I throw him a bit every once in a while.
ON: Another monster list. BTW, about 30 hours is my sleeping beauty record. At one point I put a small mirror under her nose to see if she was still breathing. I wish I was kidding. Hunger as others mentioned was the only thing that got her up. She proceeded to clean my house of everything edible.
View all comments by pmmp
@Pmmp:
. . . in a little ball the size of a motorcycle helmet almost. Doesn’t bother anyone, just sits there 
Hmmmm. Perhaps three joss sticks, a malai and an orange plastic bucket of toiletries would be more appropriate than a twenty.
View all comments by Thongsuk
ON: Another superb piece! No one can match Brits when it comes to dry humor, either at writing or at movies (Aussies come close).
I try not to let BGs see my very ordinary mobile. They look at it with pity the same way they might look at a 2 inch pecker.
For me, the Sizzler salad bar is a quality feed and good value. Eating at empty Thai restaurants can make you feel as though you are feeding on carrion with a flock of vultures circling overhead.
I’m impressed at how the crawling beggar can move seamlessly from Silom to Sukhumvit to the On Nut BTS stop, and how he always finds puddles to crawl through, even during the dry season. The locals drop decent dosh for him at On Nut.
Don’t you love the BGs who announce ‘I go dance now’ just as they return with the drink you just bought for them? Then, after you promptly pay the bin and are walking out, they lean over and ask you for a 100 baht tip for the 30 seconds they sat with you.
Other than meeting friends for drinks, I’m slowly weaning myself off Bkk gogos.
View all comments by DJ
The amazing sleeping girls is from the yaba comedown isn’t it? Bright and perky at work yet sleeping for 16+ hours indicates a fondness for something stronger than coffee. My record is 20 hours (woke her up so the lovely little delinquent could go to work). 3 days awake followed by 3 days asleep is what I get told.
I will grant that 12-14 hours could be normal for an unadulterated bargirl given the comfy bed, aircon, broken sleep from the 5am call from a drunk friend just broken up with her boyfriend, broken sleep from the 8am call from Mum, and the good shagging and feedbag she got earlier.
View all comments by Cabby
I lived with a Thai girl for a year. During that year:
* she didn’t work
* she didn’t use drugs
* she drank beer or whiskey about 3 or 4 times per week
* she only had sex with me (average 1 or 2 pops a day)
She still managed to sleep about 12 hours a day without effort.
Based on the 12 hours of sleep a day, and the stress of cohabitating in a single room (I work from home so we were spending 24/7 together)I asked her to move out about 3 months ago.
She called me two weeks ago to report that she was vomiting (from drinking too much whiskey I think) and saw blood in her vomit. I took her to the hospital, and long story short, her blood test showed her to be aenemic (very low red blood cell count).
I don’t if I’m trying to make any specific point, except that I doubt yaa-baa is the cause of extended sleep patterns that seem to be genetic in Thais. My work often puts me in contact with middle class working Thais. Ask them, and you’ll find that almost all of them sleep 10 to 12 hours per day if they have the opportunity.
My guess is that the stultifying heat has caused Thai people for centuries to use sleep as an escape, turning them into human koalas, and that Darwinism can probably explain the lethargic way they do so many things, from walking to sleeping.
I notice that I now only walk at about half the speed that I did when I lived overseas. I have a pace that is defined by my personal ‘heavy perspiration threshhold’. Especially when I’m in slacks, shirt and tie, my pace on the way to the BTS that is barely above stationay.
View all comments by werewolf
editor:
moved this to a full post:
http://www.bigmangobar.com/reader-submissions/2008/04/23/10-things-i-hates-about-bankok-by-cruiserpimp/
great stuff!
View all comments by cruiserPimp
cruiserPimp: OK, you’ve got my job. Just realised it is six months since I did my last list. I keep meaning to do another one but bone idleness then kicks in. Anyway, your list is fantastic. I can’t stop laughing about the ones about western women and Pig Dog. The mystery about Pig Dog is that nobody has ever seen him eat, yet he is obviously getting too many calories from somewhere. Several times I have tossed him bits of half-eaten chicken and he has just looked at them contemptuously and gone back to sleep. Truly a canine legend.
View all comments by On Nutter
I wish ‘Pig Dog’ would eat ‘Midget Pig Tart’ at the entrance to the Plaza.
Monkey faced little gimp.
View all comments by Day Walker