10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 2 by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on August 8th, 2007
For Part 1 go here- 10 things I hate about Bangkok
SUN DODGERS: Thais are generally dark-skinned and live in a tropical country. So why are they scared of the sun? It is a bit like Eskimos being frightened of snow. At the merest hint of an ultra-violet ray, you will see Thais running for shelter or pathetically trying to shield their heads with a newspaper or handkerchief. The more organised of the natives permanently carry an umbrella with which to repel the evil rays, even though centuries of acclimatisation mean the sun can do them little harm. Meanwhile, white-skinned farangs lie on Thailand’s beaches developing skin cancer.
UNOFFICIAL BUS STOPS: In normal countries, catching a bus is a simple process – you stand at a bus stop and wait for it to come. Not so in Thailand. If the locals decide they don’t like the location of a bus stop, they start an unofficial one. Near Sukhumvit Soi 60/1, there is a world-class official bus stop. It is sheltered, has about 20 seats, palm trees and a pleasant green area at the rear. By Bangkok standards, it is a world heritage site. Yet the locals won’t use it, presumably because it is 100 metres away from the footbridge over Sukhumvit Road and it would take them too long to zombie (see Part 1) their way there. Instead they congregate at a dangerous junction, blocking traffic and pedestrians while sweltering in the sun and holding handkerchiefs above their heads. It is pointless even going to the official bus stop now. I have tried that and the buses just sail past with the drivers giving me dirty looks.
ALABS LIKE BIG MIL’: This is a favourite phrase of bargirls when discussing Middle Eastern visitors. It took me a while to work out that they were saying that Arabs apparently enjoy a lot of milk. I had never really considered Muslims as dairy enthusiasts and whenever I spotted an Arab in a coffee shop, their milk-shakes didn’t appear to be supersized. The penny dropped as I wandered past the Grace Hotel and saw very large-breasted Thai girls with their Arab escorts.
THE EDEN CLUB: I walked out of this Sukhumvit Soi 7/1 institution after being rudely instructed that I must take two girls and must let the first girl select the second one. Who is paying the piper here?
STRAWS: These were designed for children under five and hospital patients with their mouths wired. Any adult using a straw in a bar or restaurant looks like they shouldn’t be allowed out without their carer. Yet you will find straws being hurled at you from all directions in the City of Angels, especially in the 7-Elevens, where the ratio of straws provided to drinks purchased is usually 6:1.
THE JOBLESS BUT EMPLOYED: Thailand’s unemployment rate is apparently under 2 per cent – not surprising when you realise that half the population is composed of army generals, security guards, civil servants in inactive posts and bargirls. The figure is also kept down by a ridiculous level of overmanning. My local frozen food store has about six staff supervising a few freezers. I appear to be its only customer, so on each visit I get an overwhelming level of customer service. The staff wai when I enter the premises, one carries my basket and another gives me a running commentary on the various products in very stilted English. ‒It’s OK,” I protested last time. ‒I think I will be able to get some chicken wings on my own.” My minder looked hurt but insisted on unloading my items at the checkout, which was being operated by three girls. Bless them.
SEAFOOD PALACE RESTAURANT: This place, right next to the Asoke Skytrain station, has won awards for the quality of its food, but it remains the only restaurant in the world where I have been told I could not see a menu. ‒Just select what you want from the seafood display, sir,” a waitress told me. ‒But can’t I see the prices first?” I asked. ‒No, you just get a bill at the end,” she replied, somewhat sheepishly. Oh, they also charge up to 200 baht extra just for cooking your crustacean, depending on its size. Isn’t cooking normally considered part of the service in a restaurant or am I being unreasonable? ‒Maybe another time,” I told the waitress as I fled with my friend.
THE NANO-SECOND MENU CHOICE: I have lost count of the number of times in Thai restaurants when a menu the size of the Bombay telephone directory has been thrust into my lap while the waitress hovers, pen in hand, impatiently waiting for my choice before I have even opened it. Usually I crack under the pressure and order chicken fried rice.
THE NEW 2-BAHT COIN: Can anyone distinguish it from the 1-baht coin? No. The giveaway is that many now have the number 2 written on them in indelible ink.
ME GIVE YOU POWER: When solicited for mattress gymnastics by deeply unattractive bargirls and freelances – an almost daily occurrence in my case, sadly – I try to let them down gently by explaining that I have no power. This strikes me as less confrontational than saying: ‒If I had wanted to shag fat slappers with tattoos, I would have stayed in England.” But my policy never succeeds. ‒Me give you power,” they reply with a leer.
29 Responses to “10 things I hate about Bangkok – Part 2 by On Nutter”
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Yes I remember the Mickey Rourke Lookalike. I just knew the girl I pic...
Daywalker,That's how you'll know me at the Mango.Middle-aged bald guy ...
The first time I got to Eden, you landed at Don Maeng.
Yep - I remember walking past Eden and keep walking to the end of the ...
Trojan,You have the Mango and the Eden on your list. Just don't get t...- Soi Dog, Why on earth would you want to wear a school uniform?Lolitas...
Excellent write up, had me pissing myself.Been here 8 years and done s...
They laughed and said “No pomphem. We take care. Lelax.” Cool. Don’...
ROLLN at an AA meeting...talk about irony.- Funny stuff! I was intimidated by the Eden Club too. Don't know how I ...
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Translator
Eden Club now _requires_ that Girl 1 chooses Girl 2? I wonder when that started? It used to be a recommendation but cuatomers were free to choose. I have done just that with no problems and good fun.
The minimum order of 2 girls has always been the policy, but you couldf always barfine just one.
View all comments by Arthur
I find the over staffing quite amusing. How about all the eyeglass shops in Bangkok? These have to be mafia run and only used for money laundering. They are on every corner, employ 5 people and have about 1 customer per day. I went in once with my friend and the girl said we were the first customers of the day and it was 7:30 pm! Besides that glasses are not too popular with Thai people. If you are walking around and thirsty though, just pop in, look around and they will bring out drinks immediately.
View all comments by bkk22
On Nutter – do you also hate people telling you to take a chill pill?
View all comments by Combover
I don’t understand when people bitch about having to take 2 girls from the Eden Club. Its entire purpose is to supply customers with threesomes (or more-somes). Surely everyone knows this? It’s like bitching about the Ferrari dealer who wouldn’t sell you a Fiat…
I used to ward off the fat slappers by saying “phom chorp poo-ying lek lek”, which I thought meant “I like very slim girls”. Until a pal suggested it might be more usually interpreted as “I like very little girls”. I don’t say that any more…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I think the gripe was the one girl having to choose the second girl rather than you choosing both. I have a friend who hits eden everytime he comes to town and has been for years. He was rather bummed the last few trips to eden telling me the quality and service is way down. From what I understand the owner used to be very involved but not so much anymore.
bkk22- funny observation. I have wondered that myself but most are a part of big chains.
BBB – if you say – phom chorp poo-ying lek dtuaa lek
that means like u like girls with small bodies.
that should do it.
View all comments by smitty
It’s always been the policy at Eden Club that girl one chooses girl 2. Supposedly because if they are going to do a
pussy-eatinglesbian show for you it would help if they could actually stand each other. I figured it was just a way of unloading a less attractive girl on you so I insisted on picking my own second girl.The Frenchman, Marc (the original owner) sold the business a couple of years ago because of health problems. The first time Marc told me that I had to take 2 girls I walked out. Another time because it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon and the go-go bars weren’t open, I acquiesced.
The only positive thing I can say about the Eden Club is the yellow line that divides the ones who do anal from the ones who don’t (if you’re into that kind of thing — which I’m not).
View all comments by kwai mai sabai
The straw thing is ridiculous. I take them out of the bag and hand them back, or just say “mai ow khrap” before they grab them in the first place (but they’re damn quick).
Eden: haven’t been in awhile, but I like the two-girl minimum. My favorite thing about Eden is its “bullshit-repellent” quality. U know what I mean: some guy droning on about what he *really* wants, three Thai girls dressed like nurses delivering a biological shower, oh, he’s such a stud. I look right at him and say, I know where you can get that, it’ll cost you this much, drink up and let’s go there NOW.
Because, you CAN get that.
Eden gals, like all Thai gals, really like to laugh and joke. My Japanese-salaryman imitation has them in stitches. I have never left there without at least three fine orgasms in my 90 minutes, and two giggling gals. The ultimate: I went for a two-hour Thai massage, then to Eden, then to the airport. They practically had to pour me in the taxi. All my connective tissue had turned to jelly. I limped over to Burger King at Don Muang and got a burger, they said “would u like bay-KON?” and I was like, yes yes yes, please, anything with CORPUSCLES in it.
JtB
View all comments by Jack B
And a couple of Zantac too for the viagra induced heartburn no doubt Jacko
View all comments by Combover
“bay-KON”…hahahahahaha….I’m cryin here
View all comments by bo
Combover: Yes, I hate that. If my post gave you the impression I hate Bangkok, then my attempts at humour/irony failed miserably. I love the City of Angels as much as any man – with the possible exception of Smitty.
Bangkok Bad Boy: I knew virtually nothing about Eden when I went there two years ago. I just didn’t like the attitude of the woman who was laying down the rules. As a customer, I like to do the choosing.
Jack B: You have persuaded me to give Eden another try.
View all comments by On Nutter
On Nutter: Fair enough. I always had Eden down as one of those places whose reputation precedes it. Not the kind of place you wander into by accident. But thinking about it, I’m sure there are a lot of people who don’t know about it.
It’s no Rainbow 4 in terms of lookers, but there are some cute girls there if you arrive early enough. There are some ugly girls there too, sure. Kind of like Tulip I guess, but with two (or more) girls, mirrored ceilings, and a sturdy bag full of, um, accessories…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Hey On Nutter, no question that I didn’t see the humour, and it was well taken. No question either that as committed expats we often have a fierce love for the places we live, and a need to let of steam about the minor irritations. Better to make a list of them than to go postal at a poor shopgirl when it all gets too much.
View all comments by Combover
you are killing me. this list has me in tears.
the jobless but employed thins is so spot on.
waiting for part 3…
View all comments by smitty
on the straw issue
rats piss on the bottles and cans in this country whilst they are in storage.
lots of the bottled stuff comes in crates like it used to in the uk years ago not boxes. get the piture
View all comments by joejo
Ugh! You have put me right off my Beer Lao-fuelled bar crawl tonight.
View all comments by On Nutter
to be clear. most beer comes to a bar in sealed boxes. no rats
then we move the beer from box to fridge
so I no issue at decently run bar for this happening.
View all comments by smitty
Eden Sukx big time.. I have reported before , but the girls are average and the attractive one that I picked did pick an overweight friend of hers and made her do all the work while they clucked on incessantly to each other in Thai.. the attractive one was loving herself in the mirror while the pudgy one clinically went about the business of trying to get me off in recored time… all in all paid for 90 min.. out in about 40.. They were not sexy and the whole thing was a huge disappointment from the ‘hype’.. I actually complained by email within an hour of getting back to my hotel as I got angrier the more I thought about.. Yes Yes I know I should have done it on the spot!…
Was told I would have a freebie and whoever emailed was apologetic.. then when I went in on the next trip to claim it (with notice) I was treated badly and with suspicion.. Rude people , money hungry and I make it my mission to discourage anyone from going there…
View all comments by Shuttlecock
Shuttlecock: So you had a bad experience, got a free session by way of apology (is there anywhere else in Thailand – or indeed the world – that offers this kind of guarantee?), yet still bitch about it and “discourage anyone from going there”? You said yourself on your post about Darling’s that everyone’s tastes and experiences are different. Why so bitter?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I obviously was not clear.. I was treated so badly that I walked out .. did NOT get a free session..They had more that enough opportunity to rectify the matter but my guess is that they were not used to someone standing up and actually complaining…. I am bitter at being treated so badly and encourage anyone else who,s money has been taken so readily yet had a sub standard service to speak up.. I love Bangkok but wherever you are in the world and whatever the service people should make a stand against poor service or rude people… I just wrote the money off to a learning experience in this wonderful city and have certainly not let the questionable service from one establishment sully my impression of a great place.. BBB get a great rate there do you? or drinking buddies with the owner? it seems you are their defending knight… Do I need to go there numerous times to have an opinion? Is this not the place where you can have your say? Until I get censored out I will bitch about whoever I want. Want to see more Eden bitching? go to my Darling post, I have some more detail there.. but remember I would prefer a comment on Darling. You can even have a bitch if you like..
View all comments by Shuttlecock
We don’t needing bitching or ranting. just info…
I think BBB is saying he had a great time at Eden. Many people do. Others don’t.
I have never been. I was only saying that I don’t think it was as good as it used to be. Neither is Darlings for the record. All these places depend on who you get on what day. Let’s not kid ourselves.
So let’s end the back on forth on this one and move to higher ground.
I went to darlings twice. first time was cool. Second time sucked ass. doubt I will be back.
tulip. always good!
View all comments by smitty
I will always stand up for myself.. if you think thats ranting perhaps I misunderstood , I was just trying to share information. Perhaps I will just read and keep my opinions to myself.
View all comments by Shuttlecock
SC – not saying that at all.
I just think the back and forth on the one subject between 2 people who obviously disagree won’t help other people much.
I think neither of you are going to budge on this issue from the looks of it but I am not sure it means much anyway.
U dig darlings. bbb digs eden.
I like tulip.
my mothers is oblivious to all of them.
so please keep the opinions coming and some new posts.
View all comments by smitty
Just a few shorts lines to thank the staff at big mango for the great time I had (1st aug to 7th aug)and to the girls for a lesson in pool playing, yes i lost but had so much fun, and the burgers are as good as i have had any where in this wold. and when i return later this year i will keep my promise to the girls.
again thanks for the great time, see you all soon
dave
View all comments by david thomas
dt – many thanks back. we appreciate the biz and the comments.
cheers!
View all comments by smitty
kudos to big mango for the mindblowing nachos i had the other night during the chelsea game
cant remember how much they cost but worth every penny…… sorry i meant every baht, i will deffo be coming back – but not to play pool – i dont like being beaten by women, it dents my fragile pride
2 other contenders that could of made the list are as follows……….
SUIT TAILORS (granted BKK is not as bad as pattaya or phuket) but when these slimeballs try and shake ny hand and say ‘hello my friend’……… gives me shudders
and tuk tuk drivers in patpong – majority are the gonneria of society – 500 baht for a tuk tuk to chit-lom BTS? what the fuck? i have 3 memorably bad experiences of them so here we go………
1 time i was in a bad state by mid-night where i knew i had to head home….. next thing i know his thai friend asked if he could ‘ponce’ a lift – no worries i thought as the price was the same and i was going that way anyway…… i fell asleep half way through the journey to wake up finding his ‘mate’ rifling through my wallet he’d lifted from my pocket – pissed up and understandably pissed off i stuck my hand in his pocket to find my fucking credit card in there – luckily we were at traffic lights at time so i grabbed my card and wallet and jumped out without paying
the other is i was walking through there a few weeks back with a female ferang friend that was visiting me that waned to see some shows, and this scraggy old tuk tuk driver followed me for 100 yards saying ‘tuk tuk, you want pussy’ you know the usual rant…… about 10 times in thai i said ‘mai ow krup jing jing’ ….. then in thai he started saying i was a prick and i was cheap – in hindsight rather foolishly in thai i called him a ‘lizard peasent’………next thing he is head to head with me and i have 6 tuk tuk drivers around me within seconds ready for a scuffle – foolishly i didnt back down (luckily i didnt get a shoeing) and was about to get a hiding when a random police office walked past and split it up and we went on our way – lucky escape for me i guess
any1 had similar experiences?
View all comments by Stevie G
this is a hilarious rant. keep it coming.
View all comments by author
I will be going for the first time to eden club, is this place legit or not?
View all comments by dee
@@dee: It’s certainly quite real, and its everything that people say it is. It’s not decked out in satin and lace… in fact the look is a bit dark and dank, but it’s okay. The girls aren’t usually the most beautiful in Thailand, but they do what’s advertised, which is to give you a memorable threesome experience.
The standard advice:
Get there at opening time (noon or 12:30) to get best pick of girls.
Choose one girl you like, and let her pick her partner.
If you want anal sex, choose a girl from the appropriate side of the line (the left side from memory).
View all comments by werewolf