10 things I hate about Bangkok by On Nutter
Posted by On Nutter | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on July 27th, 2007
FARANGS: Have you ever seen such a disreputable collection of beer-bellied, slack-arsed, sartorially challenged, binge-drinking, obnoxious losers? Farang men are even worse.
THE SISTERHOOD: For many years I was puzzled as to why Thai girls had so many sisters. Even more confusing was that there often seemed no family resemblance – one sister would have delicate Chinese looks and the other was as black as an Isaan rice farmer. Perhaps they had different fathers, I thought. Then it was explained to me that ‒my sister” often means ‒my very good friend”. Thai logic at its most confusing.
NON-SWEATING THAIS: Within one minute of leaving the safety of air-con, I am sweating like Nelson Mandela in a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Yet all around me Thais in overcoats are huddling together to keep warm. This isn’t fair.
‘ME GO DANCE’: We have all been suckered by this one in go-go bars. After lengthy harassment by a Cola addict, your resistance crumbles and you agree to pay 120 baht for a lady-drink worth around 50 satang. The ying returns with her drink and chit confirming her cut of the transaction, plonks the Cola on the table and announces: ‒Me go dance.” The pain of this mugging never eases with time. The last time it happened to me, I complained to the girl that I expected her to sit with me in return for my generosity. ‒Me only sit with you if you pay bar,” she replied defiantly, thereby combining fraud with blackmail.
THE TERMINALLY ILL WATCH SELLER: You know the one I mean: the old guy with the lump on his face who gets thinner each time you see him. He prowls lower-Sukhumvit bars day and night. I have a grudging respect for his work ethic, even though I have been declining his special prices for some years. I am always polite but every now and then he gives me a load of abuse in which the word ‒buffalo” is liberally used. I asked a bargirl for the significance of this insult. She said it means I am big and stupid. OK, perhaps he has a point.
INDIAN TAILORS: No, I am not your friend and don’t want to shake your hand. No, I don’t want a cashmere suit in a city where I am too hot when I am naked. No, I don’t see the point of you standing outside your shop and harassing passers-by. Yes, I hope you go bust.
THE THAI ZOMBIE WALK: While I don’t expect the locals to rush around in the tropical heat, I would appreciate it if they could stop imitating those zombies you used to see in B-movies. The zombie blockers are the worst. When they see a farang rushing for the Skytrain, they form a V-shaped defensive formation that blocks the entire pavement. The only option then is to risk death by walking on the road and trying to avoid motorcyclists going the wrong way.
7-ELEVEN’S BILL-PAYING SERVICE: I love 7-Elevens. They are the ultimate convenience store – except when you are behind a Thai at the checkout carrying a sheaf of utility bills. The natives’ love of bureaucracy kicks in here as till receipts are stapled to each bill. Being Thai, the customer always queries the total he or she is asked to pay, meaning every transaction must be rechecked. Meanwhile, your iced coffee is getting warm. Set up some direct debits, you selfish pricks.
THE YELLOW PERIL: The Japanese have been rightly blamed for inflating the price of a shag. I have sat in Thermae and listened to a Jap offering 6,000 baht to a cutie for short time. Both parties seemed very happy with the deal – after all, the sum was a lot less than he would pay to be whipped by a dominatrix on his way home from work in Tokyo. Nobody can really fight market forces, so I have no issue here. But what does wind me up is that the fat-walleted Japs have made me invisible in Thermae to all but the most desperate, washed-up hags. One leather-clad abomination, who was more fourth-gender than third-gender, still gives me disturbing post-traumatic flashbacks.
THE AIRPORT: Sitting in the departure lounge waiting to leave the Land of Smiles is truly one of the most depressing experiences any mortal can suffer. Farangland, conformity, political correctness and celibacy await the traveller, not to mention bad weather, ugly women and bland food. After one day away, you will even be missing the Indian tailors.
42 Responses to “10 things I hate about Bangkok by On Nutter”
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Recent Comments
Translator
Well played On nutter.Well played.
View all comments by bkk22
ON: Great laugh. You forgot the “no problem”-Thais: First call to my hotel in BKK: Receptionist: “Yes, we will reserve a room on a low floor towards the street, no problem”. Second call (giving them my card number) :”Yes, sure, low floor towards the street. I will write a note on your reservation, no problem.” Arrival: “Here is your key card, Room 618 (sixth of eight floors to the back).”… “No sorry sir, we dont have any rooms free on lower floor towards the street.” Aaaaah! But still, I love the Thais
Cross-cultural misunderstandings and differences would actually deserve a seperate forum. Would be interesting for me at least
View all comments by Phoenix
ON: Spot on. Very funny.
Phoenix: Agreed, but this is only one variation on “yes”. Clearly, when in LoS we all regularly come across the yes that actually means “no chance you stupid farang” and the “I will say anything to get my hands on some of your money” yes, as well as the “I have no idea what you are talking about, but if I say yes you seem happy, so I will” yes. And then there is the “well I really mean no but that would cause a disagreement so its much easier to say yes and then simply deny that I did” yes or the “well maybe if all the stars in the galaxy align and my Isaan sisters all agree, but probably not” yes.
Very occasionally, it actually means”yes”, but normally only if you are agreeing with what they wanted anyway!!!
View all comments by Martin
THE TERMINALLY ILL WATCH SELLER:
I thought he just liked gob-stoppers??
THE AIRPORT
So true…feel almost suicidal rushing down the expressway.
Is life so pointless back in blighty?? I guess so.
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
’10 things I hate about Bangkok’ addition.
THE ARABIC/AFRICAN QUARTER NEAR GRACE HOTEL
Is it only me that feels that each time I walk through this section hate filled eyes are boring in at me.It’s seems totally unacceptable to the regulars that I dared to walk between Gulliver’s and the Bamboo Bar through thier turf!! Maybe i’m paranoid
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
CB: you are, it is just the way people look at each other in these countries. Cultural misunderstandings and differences once again…
View all comments by farangsay
CB – I know it is like stepping into little middle east but I don’t feel that way at all. I eat around that area a few times a week and been prone to hang outside bamboo bar late chatting wth the kebab guy and having a drink. I think it is not dangerous but maybe some people would feel out of place. Just part of the bangkok fabric is my mind. However there are some shady looking dude and yes sometimes I think some of the guys are staring me down but I don’t care.
View all comments by smitty
Farangsay: Not totally convinced but will remain open-minded.
Pmmp:If paranoid…book me in for a session ‘On the Couch’ with pmmp
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
Just a matter of cultural differences. Been working with lots of moslems for 2 years a few years ago and I reckon that I wouldn’t know what to think about them at the beginning. They really have a different way to behave in a group. Sometimes they are almost excessive kind but do not really mean it and sometimes it’s the other way round, they seem to be rude and mean but don’t really mean to be like that either…
View all comments by farangsay
Guys,did’nt suggest problems with Moslems or anyone else.
Just commenting on the atmosphere I detect in that area.
Sure,in life there are always misunderstandings with cultural differences but I feel more ‘hostility in the air’ when in that area. Just my opinion.
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
Having lived in North Africa for the past 8 years, and seen a lot of violence / deaths.. believe me.. the Muslim gents around the Grace Hotel area make me feel like Thai girl whos just had a generous, rich Jap dude smile at her!
View all comments by Day walker
O.N. I find myself nodding and giggling at your piece.
Another thing that makes me ‘bewildered’ more than angry, is the taxi’s that have an exhaust pipe the size of a cannon, and sit soooo far back in their chair that I feel like a Dentist.
As for ‘gob-stopper-man’.. is this the same chap who sells the 3ft Zippo lighter? Has he ever sold one? Who buys this rubbish?
Also, have you noticed how ‘slug-boy’ who drags his arse round Suk 15 area moves pretty damn quick to ensure he blocks your path so you have to step over him? I’ve seen him at the end of a hard days work moving around like a cat on a hot-plate.
Oh… and what about the nice Indian man than can predict my future and knows just by looking at me, that I am lucky? If he can predict the future, he wouldn’t have looked so shocked when I told him to fcuk off?
I love Bangkok, me.!
View all comments by Day walker
I had a black dude sprint past me down the alley between soi 3/1 and soi 5 once. Figured he was in a hurry, and paid it no attention.
Ten seconds later, an enraged Arabic-looking guy ran past me in “hot pursuit”, waving a very real and very scary-looking sword.
Personally never had any problems round there. Great food in general, although a pal and I had chronic guts after a curry at the Mehman on Soi 3. That’s the one with a big portrait of Yasser Arafat on the wall, surrounded by smaller photos of Hezbollah soldiers. I think we ordered the Jihad special.
Amazing Thailand…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Thanks for the belly-laugh, Mr. man from On Nut! There could probably be a top 20 but your 10 makes a good short list.
Some others:
1. The tuk tuk driver that takes you to a tailor shop instead of your requested destination (so he can get a petrol coupon for each potential customer he delivers).
2. The taxi driver that flashes you a laminated card of a massage parlour and insists on taking you there instead of your hotel. BTW, these cards haven’t changed in the 10 years that I’ve been coming here.
3. Touts. Touts of any flavour. The massage ones that accost you every time you round the corner at Suk’/soi 5. The ones that yell “ping-pong show’ in your face when you’re walking in the Patpong night market. Etc.
4. The young Thai male that cuts in front of you at the BTS turnstile just as you are about to put your card in the slot.
5. The older Thai male that cuts in front of you while you are standing in the queue waiting for the skytrain.
6. The tailor that promises you a suit in 24 hours and when you go to pick it up you are told to come back phoo-nee. When you go back phoo-nee the suit doesn’t fit and it has to go back to the sweatshop for alterations. That takes another 2 days.
I know about the murderous looks you get when walking through the alley in muslim town between soi 3/1 and soi 5. So far I’ve never been attacked though.
View all comments by kwai mai sabai
Kwai mai sabai: Thanks brother,staarting to think I was the only one.
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
“NON-SWEATING THAIS: Within one minute of leaving the safety of air-con, I am sweating like Nelson Mandela in a Ku Klux Klan meeting”.
Whilst waiting for the lights to change so that I can cross the road at the corner of Nana and Sukhumvit (there have been reports that the lights there do change occasionally!)after 5 minutes I am usually sweating like a Hamas suicide bomber holding an invite to a Barmitzvah.
View all comments by Mike Phillips
CB… you are certainly not alone. Although I don’t feel as intimidated as I do in say..’Nigeria’… I don’t think any of our Muslim friends would pee on me, if I were on fire.
However… I find it hard to belive they are all extreme fundamentalists or devout Muslims.. after all, they seem to be drinking and living with Brasses?! A tad hypocritical??
When in BKK, I often get looks of hatered. I can almost read their minds and see the pictures in their heads of beating me senseless. I know they hate me and don’t want me there. Still, it’s my own fault for staying at the Omni.
View all comments by Day walker
DayWalker: Dont think I stated that I thought they were Islamic Fundamentalists.Just did’nt like the atmosphere in the area.Not something I have felt anywhere else that I have been in BKK.
Been staying at the Omni for many years now and really like the laid back feel of the place.Not quite sure how the Omni fits into the equation of the discussion.Have I meet you ?? re: the Omni reference
View all comments by ChelseaBlue
CB.. I was kidding about the Omni!!
They do how ever get annoyed with the complaints about the noise from my parties?! No sense of humour some people?!
Re:- Islamic baddies… I guess I’m a little ‘touchy’ due to some bandits cutting my mates head off with a penknife?!
Getting back to ‘O.N’ original piece… what about 10 things we ‘love’ about BKK?
1) I love the way the TUK TUK / taxi bike riders (corner soi 5) ask you if you want a sexy massage. I think they’d do more business if they at least put some make-up on?
2) I love coming out of Bookazine (same area) and seeing all the girls standing around waiting for a bus… Although… I’ve never seen a bus pull up come to think of it? And there is no ‘formal’ queuing system either..?
3)…….
View all comments by Day walker
There are many thing to love and hate about BKK.
Love – The beautiful abundance of totally available women ( I know at a Cost)
Hate – F%#@!king Taxi drivers that decide if they will take you where you want to go or just drive off while you are still holding the door open. Pricks… I still can not figure out why I can not get from A to B no matter how hard I try at certain times .. Then the next time you dont want a cab they are there yelling ‘taxi’ taxi’ .. Get lost where were you when I needed you!
Love – The skytrain. was a little reluctant as I do not use public transport at home but here it is a air conditioned refuge.
Hate – Lack of reasonably priced wine. I drink beer rarely and love my wine.. I tried a couple of times the ‘white wine’ at some of the bars. spat it out and used it to soak the skid marks out of my jocks…foul! I have found in certain supermarkets you can find some acceptable wine in bottles but the price equals a full-on soapy at Poseidon! Have to learn to drink Jack straight as I am a bit worried about the dodgy ice.
Love – Food, although I have had one death defying experience with something that almost killed me (dont eat of the carts unless you have a local to uy for you) , but in general the diversity and value is amazing..love it…
Hate – Pushy girls in beer bars , they should realise at 2pm when a man comes in in shorts sweating like a pig with a back pack on that he really might just want a cold beer ( but prefer a chardonnay).
Much to love and hate and much in between.. mostly love it..
View all comments by Shuttlecock
I’ve never felt the stare, and I loitered between soi 1 and 5 for quite some time. It might be interesting to have a chat with some of these guy sometime. Exchange some info maybe?
Sweating sucks though. It’s almost pointless dressing up… 5 minutes I spend waiting for the Skytrain and whatever pretense of polished look I may have is washed away in a pool of ickiness.
View all comments by Julian
OnNutter and BBK continue to provide both enlightening and entertaining articles, making this forum one of the best sources of Bkk nightlife info.
I’ll add:
FLOWER MAFIA: The childrens’ aggressiveness and rudeness are an annoyance, but the real concern is their vulnerability in being tossed into a seedy lifestyle at all hours of the night. There are few civilized countries on this planet where society would permit the predatory adults and corrupt cops to profit off these children in full sight of the public.
RE: Muslims in the soi 3 and 3/1 area:
My friends who come for holidays in Thailand and have not been exposed to Muslim culture, are usually intimitated by the loud and confrontational manner that middle-easterners normally conduct their business and personal affairs.
The only area I consider scary and intimidating is the small dead-end soi off of Sukjumvit Soi 3 between Nana Square and the small Y Not beer bar complex. Primaril populated by West Africans and purportedly a center for drug transactions. If you walk down that small soi at night, you will get hard stares from the occupants. The is a small beer bar down that alley that won’t be getting my business again.
View all comments by DJ
Hahaha, Brilliant…
View all comments by bangkokdiaries.com
After recently coming to BKK for the first time, i really couldnt fault the place. loved every minute of it. great people, great places and great women. Would though mention the whole hostile feeling you get while walking around the grace hotel area. I totally agree with CB always feeling that somebody is watching you and gives that uncomfortable feeling. apart from that everything else fantastic! especially the midgets at the entrance of nana plaza. love it!
View all comments by samguernsey
DJ: I am totally with you about that dead-end soi. While looking for a friend’s small hotel, I made the mistake of wandering down there one night. I received seriously confrontational stares from the black guys and felt in some danger of violence.
I like Arabic food and eat in Soi 3/1 quite regularly. Never had a problem in the restaurants. The service can be quite terse and unsmiling, but I think they are like that with everybody, not just farangs.
I have had a few comments directed at me by the West Africans as I have walked from that area towards Gullivers. As ChelseaBlue observed, many of those guys do seem to feel as though we are treading on their turf.
View all comments by On Nutter
@shuttlecock: learn a bit of thai and taxi’s wont be a problem, the ice is not dodgy you don’t have to worry about drinking with ice and street food is mostly safe, don’t let one bad experience cause judgment for all the street food.
View all comments by bkk22
Went into 7-11 today for a quick pack of gum. Right in front of me was a Thai lady who set about 7 bills on the counter and started going through them. I left without buying my gum. They need to have like a limit on how many bills. I am sure it was going to take her 10 minutes.
The other annoying thing is when a customer trying to pay their credit card bill talks to the 7-11 person like they are the customer service rep for their visa card company. Complaining about a charge or a problem with the billing – like the 7-11 chick has a clue. She scans the barcode and asks for the money – how would she know about a billing issue?
Just give me my freaking gum!
View all comments by smitty
Ten things that i hate about bkk/ airport.
quiet ovious that you may be from the luck country [AUSTRALIA}, the land of the fat, oppinionated, ignorant. arrougant, self rightious mad cows. {Q;How do you know if your aussie girlfriend has mad cows disease ?}
[A; you will never know}
keep up the good work
View all comments by Alby
i love it! truth spoken in such a humorous way. I can especially relate to the last point. everytime i leave bkk, its a heartbreaking affair.
View all comments by limmy
I was drinking at the slightly rundown Y`not bar on soi 3
played pool bought some drinks for the girls, checked my bill at the end of the evening, found there was 800B that the bar couldn`t account for.
The bill just had 800B but no indication as to what it was for.
The staff feigned embaressment but it was just business as usual for them.
Fellow farangs be careful
View all comments by hal
kudos on a blinding post
i was recently at suvarnananananananbhumi at end of august heading back to england and was physically choked even though i had my return booked for xmas day. walking out of the arrivals lounge at heathrow was a knife in the heart seeing all the miserable po-faced bastards going about there business
the arab area i only ever frequent for 2 reasons…… a little trip to bumund’something or other’ hospital if i have worries about my old chap, or for a kebab on the street late at night
ive had a few set2s with young arab lads who think they can crack on to your GF shamelessly and think you will just accept it – slimey c*nts
iv had a few meals in the indian restaurants up there but the fact i cant get a beer with my meal pisses on my chips
special shout-out goes to that little walking rectum of a flower seller in nana – the lad must be barely 11 – sales technique is awful – ‘buy rose’. hes even taken to as i walk away muttering ‘isaat’ – id tell the grimey little scroat santas not real but i suspect he knows
View all comments by myspace.com/penfold_xxx
I liked it that the first thing in the list of 10 by the OP was “farangs”. Couldn’t agree more. Farangs have made Thailand a much worse place than it was ooooh, long before my arrival.
View all comments by Dirty Keith
Very amusing, and all true.
Nice work Nutter
View all comments by Dek Jing Jo
Ahh… You’ve got to love BKK.
No matter where you live, there will always be stuff you hate. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am chilled to the bone on a nice July day in London, and that you don’t walk out of the tube, you fall/throw yourself out.
I’ve been coming to Thailand for holidays since I was in my mum’s belly (still amazed they’d let a pregnant woman on a plane with the size of belly she had.. ), and I still do. Can’t wait for November where I’ll get my Thai fix. I’ve been dreaming of Bangkok for as long as I can remember, and I will some day root up all of my stuff and move there.
With that said, it’s been a while since I’ve read a blogpost that has made me giggle this much. People in my office will surely suspect me of being on something.
I don’t find that I have many problems with taxi drivers, except one time where the driver neither spoke Thai (!) or English. Usually we’ll just strike up a chat about food and going to isaan. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, they don’t feel the urge to drive me to dodgy places.
But what’s up with the indian tailors? Why are there so many? Why do they know a sentence in my language? Why would I feel the need to buy one of their products after they’ve just told me it’s cheaper than something from a horrible, horrible discount mall? I’d rather just head down to Big C (or MBK, or Paragorn, or Siam Square, or.. or.. or..)
Ok, babbling, sry, am out of here.
View all comments by Linepigen
I personally hate it here, am here with my spouse and I cannot seem to understand all the ‘love’ of this foul smelling, stray dog and cat and rat infested town, where cabbies try to rip you off and all the normal ‘townie’ thai pricks and girls just leer at you because your hair is lighter and for me (much prettier than they could ever try to get theirs!) I am so f ing sick of it, only a few more weeks to go! Than happily back home to where most people have their own car and we have food and health inspectors, and you can drive anywhere in a few minutes oh and yes, building and city inspectors to insure that our sidewalks are never treacherous like these here in freak show land bangkok!
View all comments by I hate bangkok
i h b – please dont let the airplane door hit you on the ass on the way out but thank god you are leaving
View all comments by sideshowBOB