Big Mango Bar
drink and blog

The Twilight Zone

Posted by admin | Blog, Reader Submissions | Posted on April 30th, 2006

Sometimes I refer to Thailand/Bangkok as the Twilight Zone. Meaning the normal rules of the world just don’t apply sometimes. Let me highlight for you a few examples to justify my position on this.

Elivs. In any other part of the world if someone were to walk around dressed like a non-performing Elvis look a like he would usually attract some level of attention. In fact the Lan Kwai Fong (the famous nightlife spot for expats with too much money and arrogant Chinese girls looking for rich boyfriends) area of Central Hong Kong is home to an Elvis impersonator who makes his living by singing off-key Elvis songs using the same melody coupled with 3-4 different lyrics from famous Elvis songs. Both the locals and the expats always get a kick when he walks by. I usually paid him just to go away since I truly loved Elvis and cannot handle a HK Chinese pretending to look like my idol. Back to my point. I was hanging in the Soi 7 beergarden yesterday reading the IHT and nursing my diet coke when I spotted him – an Elvis impersonator not in an Elvis outfit but dressed to kill none the less. You can picture it. Jet black hair with the big scoop in the front married to a huge set of lambchops that seemed to reach down to his ankles. He was wearing some sort of white alligator skin half boot/half dress shoe shoe. Hell if I know what to call them-sansaboots? He was wearing black polyester sansabelt pants – yes you know the kind but it was the shirt that really got me. It was a polyester, somewhat see through, white shirt with a black leopard print pattern. Yes – long sleeve with a big collar. Remember it is hot in Bangkok right now and Soi 7 beergarden only has fans. Just the hint of seeing his naked torso underneath was enough to remind me that today was not the day to have my first meal at Soi 7. Ever been to Vegas? You know those cheap ass big black goldrimmed glasses you can pick up on the street so you too can look like Elvis – he was wearing those. Indoors. What a sight. But given that Bkk is the Twilight Zone and even further to the point that the Soi 7 beergarden is the heart of it – no one gave the guy a second glance. In fact he was getting so little attention that he started talking like Elvis and even waving to the disinterested crowd like he was greeting his fan base before a concert. I almost fell off my stool. Elvis gets no love.

My second example of the Twilight Zone also took place at the Soi 7
beergarden. In most parts of the world the young, good loooking male is
typically at the top of the food chain when it comes to picking up
women but not in the Twilight Zone. So there I was with my daytime
drinking buddy a week ago perched on our stools in prime position to
chat up the various Thai ladies who were doing the “circle” at the
beergarden. We know how to pick our spots since for daytime drinking we
are fairly lazy and like to be in a position that affords us a good
view when the girls have to walk around to get a seat or as I call it
doing the “short time” walk. Kind of like the catwalk at a fashion show
but with a twist. We had arrived at the perfect time given the garden
was not quite full and the inflows of bodies was more women then men
given that it was an hour or so away from peak hour. Post peak hour I
usually have to find another venue since the beergarden morphs into a
scene that I tend to get a little bored of.

Anyway. 1:30 pm. 2 Vodka/cokes in the hopper and I am feeling
confident. My drinking buddy has his eagle eyes trained on a few young
ones in the corner. I call this technique the connector. In order to
feel some emotional connection, past just the physical yes – you will
do test, you try to meet eyes for just a few seconds to signal that an
emotional connection is there providing the financial details past
muster. Love Bkk style. I was chatting up a few ICC guides and even
went so far as to suggest buying drinks for them in order to cement my
position in the food chain. Yes – it is not enough to be young and
stylish in the Twilight Zone – you must also demonstrate stability. You
have to show that you have some $ to spare. Just as I was getting
comfortable in walked one of our friends we know from the States who
spends a good portion of his time in Thailand and the Phillipines.
Among us who know him he is an expert in the trade. Although older he
is well versed in Soi 7 economics and his kill ratio is the envy of
many a young student like me. Damn. Competition had moved in. Yes he is
over 60. Not exactly trim and speaks almost no Thai at all. In any
other part of the world I would have welcomed his open challenge on the
hunting grounds but not here – not at the Soi 7 beergarden. I ordered
amother a drink, a double to ease the pain, and went back to the task
at hand. Just I was numbing myself in walked another one of our
buddies. He is 60 on the nose. Fit as a fiddle, equally skilled and
even banters around a decent Thai vocabulary. I was toast. If I was
smart I would have paid my bill and moved on knowing my chances were
slim at this point but being a humble student I decided to sit back and
learn – take my medicine so to speak. Accept that my position of youth,
nominal fitness and months of Thai school are without value in the
Twilight Zone. Within minutes competitor #1 had a phone call and gave
his coordinates to some girl over the phone. Seconds later she arrived
at his stool and settled in between his legs to give him a big kiss.
She was tall, gorgeous and dressed sexy but not slutty. Damn. She was
19, with braces and still in training but supposedly was a quick study.
They were talking about her sister and discussing other girls that comp
#1 might also be interested in. Yes in the Twilight Zone girls will set
you up with friends and family if they think it is a better “fit”. They
paid their bill and were off to the races. Another vodka/coke please. I
turned to my drinking buddy to see that while I was engrossed in comp
#1 kill that I missed comp #2 talking with another gorgeous girl. Not
as tall, but thinnner, great style, whiter skin and an amzing set of
well – you know. Seems they already knew each other and both decided
that to spend their time looking for new people would be more difficult
that just getting back together for an afternoon of passion. Smiles all
around. Bill paid and comp #2 said he would see us later. I turned to
my drinking buddy who was laughing his ass off and decided that I to
would pay my bill and go home for a nap. Youth means nothing in this
game.

My final example. I was on one of my tours of Soi Cowboy the other
night and stopped into Long Gun to say hello to some friends. I took my
perch on the rail knowing that it would allow me to chat with my
buddies seated on the bench behind me as well as get a good, close up,
view of the dancers. I happenend to get a seat just before one of their
shows. The Long Gun shows, except for the Patpong crap, are generally
pretty good and usually get my motor started. The first show required
that we all move our drinks off of the rail since the dancers tend to
really twirl around, naked, and they could without just cause – knock a
drink onto the ground or on you for that matter. I always hold my drink
since I am lazy and want to be able to watch the show and keep drinking
at the same time. I don’t mind staying close to the action since
sometimes you might get bumped in the right place, your face, by a
random object, a naked boob, at just the right time – anytime is fine
by me. Wait. A slight intruder could spoil the show. A cockroach. You
know the kind. A big brown cockroach – in other parts of the world
people spend large sums of money on chemicals to rid their homes of the
offending bug’s presence – happened to be sitting on the drinking rail.
Who knows how it got there since Thailand is full of these creatures
scurrying around all day carrying on with some task that we can’t be
bothered with but at this moment the lone cockroach was on the drinking
rail with nowhere to go given the action on the stage and the lack of
drinks on the rail. Bold move taken. The roach ran onto the stage and
scurried around at Formula 1 speeds dodging the feet of the dancers who
were oblivious to the bug they were sharing the stage with. Then,
without warning, the roach ran up one of the dancer’s legs and onto her
back, dancers full nude at this time, and paused for a second to decide
what to do next. Looking like she had practiced this routine many
times, the closest dancer to the dancer carrying the roach quickly
spotted the bug, grabbed it with her free hand – the other hand was
clutching the pole given the stance she was in required something to
balance herself with – and flung the roach to a free spot on the floor.
Very few people saw the whole ordeal. No customers were harmed during
the roach chucking and the show went on without a hitch. The 2 guys
next to me were in shock given they were tourists and just assumed that
in most parts of the world if a naked female was in close proximity of
a cockroach that she would probably stop everything she was doing to
concentrate fully on screaming or jumping up and down – but not here.
This is Bkk. The Twilight Zone. No cockroach can disturb a full nude
show. Not ever.

What a trip…